Setting boundaries with our loved ones can be incredibly challenging, and navigating family relationships is among the tougher work we do as parents. Sometimes we have to make the hard decision to eliminate toxic family members from our lives. If you are struggling with toxicity in your relationships, you are not alone. You may find comfort in hearing how others have dealt with toxic family members, toxic in laws (including difficult mothers-in-law) and toxic friendships.
Setting Boundaries With Loved Ones
Dear Mother, Sister, Friend, In-law or other well meaning person in our lives,
We love you. We know you love our children and we are thankful for that. We want you to be close to them. We want you to have a good relationship with our child(ren). But we need to talk about boundaries. It is a difficult subject because it is unlikely that you mean any harm, though some of you undoubtedly do, and we do not want to come across as ungrateful, whiny brats. We are our children’s mother. We suffered with the morning sickness, the difficult labor, the C-section, the adoption fees, the breastfeeding issues, the sleepless nights. We did. Not you. Sure, you may be related to our children, but you are not their mother, and it’s time we cleared the air. We’ve compiled a list of things that are boundary breakers for many of us, and we would like you to consider them, and consider us as new, fragile mothers just trying to do the best we can with what we’ve got.
We want you to know that these words are hard to write, even harder to say, as you mean so much to us. But at times certain words or actions hinder our relationship, cause us to pull back and potentially damage the relationship you have with our children. While not every situation is a boundary breaker for every mom, it would be wise, when dealing with new parents, please consider the following things:
My child is not “your baby.” My husband may be your baby; hell, I may even be your baby, but that little bundle of joy is not. I know you know that. To you, calling him/her your baby is a term of endearment, but it causes mothers around the world to clench their teeth. I went through so much to have that child, and the right to call him mine is mine. It may be petty, but the privilege of calling the baby “mine” should be reserved for the parents.
Please refrain from intervening when I am disciplining my child. You may not approve of my methods. You may think I’m too stern or not stern enough, but this is not for you to decide. You do not see the whole picture. You may think I am overreacting by not giving in to my daughter’s tantrum for more candy, but you do not have to live with the repercussions. You will not have to put her to bed tonight. You are not the one who will be up later tonight trying to sooth her upset stomach. So if you don’t mind, I will handle the discipline myself.
While we are talking about candy, please do not offer them candy then say, “If it’s okay with Mommy.” While I appreciate the consideration, it turns me into the bad guy if I have to say no. Do us all a favor and ask me first. Most often, it will be fine, but since you may not be aware that he had a giant cookie from Starbucks just before we arrived, a quick “Hey, can I offer them him some candy?” will be much appreciated.
You may think my child has an illness, a delay or any other medical issue, but please do not attempt to diagnose my child. This is not to say if there is something clearly going on that you should remain silent, but be mindful of your words. No mother should hear, “There’s something wrong with that child” from a loved one. If you feel you have legitimate concerns, bring them to the parents, away from the child, and voice them – gently. Suggest we bring it up at our next doctor appointment, but do not label or suggest medications unless you are a qualified professional and we sought your opinion. Attempting to diagnose a child will only lead to frustration and perhaps resentment, even if you are correct.
Unless we ask, please do not attempt to be a lactation consultant. Breastfeeding can be challenging, and it may involve literal blood, sweat and tears. It is also extremely private for some new mothers, and not something everyone would like to do on display. Thank you for your concern, but anything more than “How’s breastfeeding going?” will get you into the boundary-crossing zone very quickly.
Talk to us about birthdays and holidays. We do not need to know or approve of your plans or gifts, but we would like to be sure they do not interfere with ours. Giving our child the same “big” gift we planned to give, and giving it a few days before the actual celebration – that is over the line. Attempting to plan an outing for my child on his birthday, especially one that doesn’t include me, is another example of boundary breaking.
If any of the above describe your words or actions toward the new (or even seasoned) mother in your life, you may be guilty of breaking boundaries. You might think, “Oh, if it bothered her, she would just tell me.” But that is so difficult because we do not want to hurt your feelings. We know in almost all cases you mean well, but that doesn’t stop it from offending us, or causing us to become defensive and even withdrawn.
Sincerely,
Mothers Everywhere
Got it.. a little much, who wrote this is very selfish , but I guess this generation is a little up tight. issues like this petty ways are what puts wedges in families.. I ( we ) don’t need to watch Your baby either. Definitely leaving grandparents feeling heavy hearted. Dear Future Parents… we know they are YOUR BABIES. Sorry we are so full of love and feeling proud that My Baby is having a baby
I think the author was being kind when she used the term “privilege” of the mom to call her child her baby when it is fact her (and the other parent’s) right to do so. Also, I did not once read that the author or her supporters were ungrateful or unappreciative of help and support. I am grateful for my job AND have to set boundaries and limits to ensure I am not disrespected or taken advantage of. It doesn’t have to be so black and white. Both can be true.
Ladies (and gents): do not feel guilty for setting healthy boundaries. Of course we have to choose our battles and set them respectfully, but we have every right to do so; in every aspect of our lives!
P.S. some of you ladies are saints! Hiding behind a curtain, taking pictures of me breastfeeding, holding my newborn before me?!? I would have lost it and felt no remorse.
My MIL let my son watch my FIL pee, and took pictures of it while I was at work. Boundaries can be absolutely necessary! She calls herself “BFG” (best fu***** grandma) , in front of my mom and step mom. She wanted to throw a grandma shower when I was pregnant. I love my MIL, bit she has gone completely overboard since my son was born. I’m all about love and affection from grandparents… but BFG and you let him watch his grandpa pee.. come on. She will not be left alone with him again.
Absolutely correct. The primary factor is that the responsibility for caring for the baby belongs to the baby’s parents, nobody else.
Grandparents often undermine the parents simply because they have different views on raising children, which is unacceptable.
If a grandparent or any other relative cannot respect the parent’s wishes and boundaries then they forfeit any expectation of having time with the child.
My philosophy is to set firm boundaries and expectations with relatives and if they break that trust then give them a reminder of the boundaries and also that you are the parent.
If they break the rules again then withdraw contact with them for a period of time, ensuring to explain why.
Any further transgression results in permanent withdrawal of contact.
People need to respect boundaries and parents need to set and enforce these boundaries.
I couldn’t agree more.
Now, what do you do when your father-in-law has your toddler my 19-month-old, calling him “daddy?” He wants to be called “granddaddy,” and of course, a toddler is not able to say that, so she opts for daddy instead. Whenever she calls him daddy he smiles and is responsive to her in a reinforcing way, but never corrects her. My wife also knows this and brushes it off.
Because of this behavior, among many others, I have a very strained relationship with them, especially him. They also babysit my daughter and spend quite a lot of time with her when my wife and I are at work.
Any insight of wisdom would be appreciated.
Realist article ever!! Put in the best/ nicest words for this situation ?
My sister in law is exactly like that, she manipulates my husband over my parenting choices and struggles. Our son is autistic and, on the bad days, it can be a struggle, but we pull it through somehow and, all in all, he is a happy little boy wholoves us dearly. In my SILs opinion, all his delays come down to my bad parenting, bad tactiques, bad everything. She never comes over to offer hands on help, you know, that mucking in involved when you look after a person with a disability, just constant judgements ,”well intended”, of course, and always from the distance. Because of her, my relationship with my husband almost collapsed, especially after I realised that she was been managing my marriage from distance for years. As my husbands bond with her is very strong, he refuses to see how much damage her interference produced, so, a while ago, when the times became so tough that they visibly affected my health, I sent her a text message saying, essentially, ”Enough is enough, back off!”. She felt offended, put on the victim cap, told my husband, etc. She keeps sending my son birthday presents and I have now to find the most relevant words to let her know how little value they have and that ANY input from her into my sons life is not welcomed anymore, after she almost broke our family. Sometimes in laws have a very thick cheek and a talent to dig into your self-confidence as a parent, indeed, but we have to stand tall and assert constantly our boundaries. There is no way around it than confronting the beast.
ridiculous
Thank you for that! I thought I was the only one experiencing this issue and I was confused and frustrated with emotions of being upset and jealous and mad that my baby was allowed and taught to say mummy to her “paternal grand ma” that sits while I am at work and her dad is at college.
I needed this.
This is a fantastic post! Many people in my mother’s generation have very little awareness of how their behavior, actios, and words come off. Generations parent differently. I wish there were more understanding. I don’t need someone to come hold my newborn so I can get a break. Other cultures seem to understand this better a D mother the mother during the postpartum months. But I agree with he author. This is one of the nicer versions of this I have seen.