Setting boundaries with our loved ones can be incredibly challenging, and navigating family relationships is among the tougher work we do as parents. Sometimes we have to make the hard decision to eliminate toxic family members from our lives. If you are struggling with toxicity in your relationships, you are not alone. You may find comfort in hearing how others have dealt with toxic family members, toxic in laws (including difficult mothers-in-law) and toxic friendships.
Setting Boundaries With Loved Ones
Dear Mother, Sister, Friend, In-law or other well meaning person in our lives,
We love you. We know you love our children and we are thankful for that. We want you to be close to them. We want you to have a good relationship with our child(ren). But we need to talk about boundaries. It is a difficult subject because it is unlikely that you mean any harm, though some of you undoubtedly do, and we do not want to come across as ungrateful, whiny brats. We are our children’s mother. We suffered with the morning sickness, the difficult labor, the C-section, the adoption fees, the breastfeeding issues, the sleepless nights. We did. Not you. Sure, you may be related to our children, but you are not their mother, and it’s time we cleared the air. We’ve compiled a list of things that are boundary breakers for many of us, and we would like you to consider them, and consider us as new, fragile mothers just trying to do the best we can with what we’ve got.
We want you to know that these words are hard to write, even harder to say, as you mean so much to us. But at times certain words or actions hinder our relationship, cause us to pull back and potentially damage the relationship you have with our children. While not every situation is a boundary breaker for every mom, it would be wise, when dealing with new parents, please consider the following things:
My child is not “your baby.” My husband may be your baby; hell, I may even be your baby, but that little bundle of joy is not. I know you know that. To you, calling him/her your baby is a term of endearment, but it causes mothers around the world to clench their teeth. I went through so much to have that child, and the right to call him mine is mine. It may be petty, but the privilege of calling the baby “mine” should be reserved for the parents.
Please refrain from intervening when I am disciplining my child. You may not approve of my methods. You may think I’m too stern or not stern enough, but this is not for you to decide. You do not see the whole picture. You may think I am overreacting by not giving in to my daughter’s tantrum for more candy, but you do not have to live with the repercussions. You will not have to put her to bed tonight. You are not the one who will be up later tonight trying to sooth her upset stomach. So if you don’t mind, I will handle the discipline myself.
While we are talking about candy, please do not offer them candy then say, “If it’s okay with Mommy.” While I appreciate the consideration, it turns me into the bad guy if I have to say no. Do us all a favor and ask me first. Most often, it will be fine, but since you may not be aware that he had a giant cookie from Starbucks just before we arrived, a quick “Hey, can I offer them him some candy?” will be much appreciated.
You may think my child has an illness, a delay or any other medical issue, but please do not attempt to diagnose my child. This is not to say if there is something clearly going on that you should remain silent, but be mindful of your words. No mother should hear, “There’s something wrong with that child” from a loved one. If you feel you have legitimate concerns, bring them to the parents, away from the child, and voice them – gently. Suggest we bring it up at our next doctor appointment, but do not label or suggest medications unless you are a qualified professional and we sought your opinion. Attempting to diagnose a child will only lead to frustration and perhaps resentment, even if you are correct.
Unless we ask, please do not attempt to be a lactation consultant. Breastfeeding can be challenging, and it may involve literal blood, sweat and tears. It is also extremely private for some new mothers, and not something everyone would like to do on display. Thank you for your concern, but anything more than “How’s breastfeeding going?” will get you into the boundary-crossing zone very quickly.
Talk to us about birthdays and holidays. We do not need to know or approve of your plans or gifts, but we would like to be sure they do not interfere with ours. Giving our child the same “big” gift we planned to give, and giving it a few days before the actual celebration – that is over the line. Attempting to plan an outing for my child on his birthday, especially one that doesn’t include me, is another example of boundary breaking.
If any of the above describe your words or actions toward the new (or even seasoned) mother in your life, you may be guilty of breaking boundaries. You might think, “Oh, if it bothered her, she would just tell me.” But that is so difficult because we do not want to hurt your feelings. We know in almost all cases you mean well, but that doesn’t stop it from offending us, or causing us to become defensive and even withdrawn.
Sincerely,
Mothers Everywhere
So glad to come across this article. I’m a mom to a 6 month old and I struggle with setting boundaries. I often question if I’m overreacting about things, but it is comforting to see others bothered by the same things. Thank you for sharing!
What about the situation where the grandmother is the one who is always present for a grandchild with Down’s syndrome? If she gives advice based on therapists’ recommendation, should I feel offended as a mother? I feel guilty, because I am always at work, but her “advice” aggravates me. I am the mother after all.
Hi Grace,
I can say that these “boundary breakers” are meant in general situations, and obviously there are specific circumstances in every family. For you, I think you should remind yourself that you are the mother, and whether or not you can always be there for therapy does not negate your role. If the grandmother is truly just passing along advice and has your child’s best interest at heart, then she is doing a good thing. BUT, I do understand where you’re coming from. I do not want you to feel guilty about being at work. I know that’s easier said than done, but you have nothing to feel guilty for. You are earning a living that no doubt benefits your child. You are an awesome mom. Never forget that.
I would like to add when I went to my mother in-laws house to pick up my son she tells me she gave him sugar water for his hiccups suger is the wrost thing you could give a baby I mean come on it’s a baby hes growing he needs to be healthy. Also his face was really red he got a sunburn she tells me she took him outside but your not supposed to take babies outside there skin is sooo sensitive she said he just got a little sun not a sunburn umm no thats a sunburn he was crying for weeks so what did I do I purposely brought sunscreen so this will not happen again so the next time I pick him up he once again was red she didnt use the sunscreen she tells me sunscreen is not good for babies because it makes them brake out yes that is true but I was trying to tell her I bought sunscreen its design for babies but she kept talking over me as if she didnt want to hear what I had to say I swear she doesnt respect me or my parenting I talk to my fiance you need to talk to your mother but all he can say is I think my mom knows what shes doing she raise 3 boys and at this point I just want to pull my hair out
And stop inviting yourself over to my house!!!! All visits should require 48 hour advance notice and await approval!!!
It’d also be nice if you considered my feelings half as much as you demand other people to care for yours.
I would like to add when I went to my morther in-laws house to pick up my son she told me that she gave him sugar water she said it helps with hiccups I dont think he should have that I mean come on its suger and hes a baby a baby suger is the wrost thing you could give a baby that’s growing he needs to be healthy and not only that but she didnt ask me frist she went in did it because she knows best and also his face was really red he had a sunburn your not supssoed to take a baby outside there skin is sooo sentive so what did I do I purposely bought sunscreen so this will not happen again so the next time I went to pick him he once again was red and she didn’t use the sunscreen she tell me that sunscreen can make babies skin breakout yes that is true but thats why I bought the one made for babies I tried to tell her I bought sunscreen its made for babies but she kept talking over me as if she didn’t want to hear what I had to say I feel as if she doesnt respect me or how I parent she looks at me as ohh your a new mom you don’t know anything and I can’t talk to my finece again about this becuse when I did talk to him he just says ohh i think she knows what shes doing she had 3 boys so at this point I just want to rip my hair out
I find this relatively helpful but some things are truly selfish as only mothers can be. What I find most interesting is you forgot to mention the flip side: all the mothers who expect their parents to be extensions of your baby’s care; who want Nana & Papa available at a moments notice to watch your children when you need it, not considering the health of your own parents. I find it funny that parents your age know so much and don’t consider what your own parents went through raising you, paying your way and ruining their bodies worrying for you. Oh and don’t get me started on mothers Day. Suddenly the world revolves around you and you forget your own mothers.
I find young people to Day to be mostly narcissistic and completely self absorbed when it comes to parenting “your baby”. I’m all for what you’ve described in your story but need to add: don’t put pressure on grandparents to know what’s allowable and not allowable without guidelines. And don’t expect anything you’re unwilling to give.
I agree with this article!
I am able to raise my child the way I see fit. I do not think it “takes a village” it takes me and my husband ( no one else).
I do think it takes a village, but that means many things. My husband and I live 4 hours away from his parents and a day’s air travel from mine. All 4 grandparents are present in our child’s life, but on a day-to-day basis, it’s a network of friends who are the more tangible village. (The main difference being, I guess, that there are many things we’d begrudgingly put up with for family that we wouldn’t for friends. Hence, fewer problems. ;))
We also have a great day care with fantastic teachers, which took us a while to find and costs a bit more than we’d have preferred. But in reality, it’s a big part of the village, and she thrives there.
I have to say, the thought of expecting to use grandparents as free babysitters gives me the willies on many different levels. That is something that would have never even occurred to me. We have a couple of great babysitters for that purpose, or again, it’s possible to “swap” watching the kids with friends.
But in the end, it goes to show how much what we experienced growing up shapes our ideas of how things “should be done.” E.g. when I was a child, we alternated visiting the two sets of grandparents on Sunday afternoons. But my parents were always there, and I can count on one hand the times we had an overnight stay with any grandparents. This was simply a thing for major situations (like when my parents spent several days finishing the attic or when my mom had surgery). When two families join together who have totally different (often unspoken) assumptions about this, things can get very interesting…
Myndee, you are a spoiled child. I referred to my first grandchild before she was born as”my baby” and my dil instantly put me in my place. She should have known it was only a term of endearment. Well our relationship from that moment forward has been Luke warm. Honestly, I believe these girls only feel that way toward their MIL’s and they would never be that rude to their own Moms.
I’m sorry your daughter in law upset you by standing up for what she felt is right, no matter the intent (which I am certain was a term of endearment). If it helps, my own grandmother was the source of one of the things listed above. My mother-in-law has always been a gem…she loves my children with her whole heart, but has always respected me as their mother, and her son as their father, aka the chief decision makers of our children. Perhaps your daughter-in-law has felt you have crossed the line about other things and the “my baby” comment was too much for her to handle? Perhaps she tried for years to earn the right to call a baby her own. Perhaps she is spoiled. I really don’t know, but I can tell you setting boundaries is healthy and a good thing, even if you don’t agree with her boundaries. I would hope you have some of your own- and maybe you have some that I think are ridiculous, but that certainly doesn’t mean you are spoiled, and mothers setting boundaries with friends and family, especially in regards to their children, does not make them spoiled…or rude. I’m sure you know that people are different and what bothers one person may not bother another…and they can both be right. 🙂
Looks at all of these old, entitled bitties. I feel terrible for your daughters and daughters in law. You are textbook narcissists. The above article’s points are completely reasonable requests from a mother or father and the fact that you choose to attempt undermine the parenting of a child who again, is not yours, shows what kind of person you really are. Greedy, selfish, and in need of a “do over” baby. Oh the mother in the article above is “too controlling” for your liking. Tough titties. It’s her prerogative to raise her children as she see fit as she is legally, financially, and emotionally, responsible for her own children and the way she wants to raise them. All parents get to decide how their own children will be raised, you did, and great, your kids may have turned out just fine. That doesn’t mean you get to decide that’s exactly how your grandchildren will be raised too.
I happen to be incredibly lucky to have a gem of a mother-in-law who has the grace and couth to not even need the points in the article mentioned. She can express her love as a grandmother and does not narcissistically require autonomy over the upbringing of children who are not her own. She respects me and I respect her. She does not impose her opinions and beliefs on her children and children in law and respects each of them as the adults that they are and we all respect her as well.
You are not entitled to more respect than you are willing to give. Respect their roles as the mother of their children and they will respect yours as a grandmother.
I would like to voice my opinion about aunts in particular with the takeover spirits. I also told my relatives before I had my first child, that we will not be around much because my aunts will not contain themselves. I do not need any of them to help raise my toddler son, because they are very inpatient women that are getting older. What I find funny that I will never leave my son with any of them because they are manipulators and I cannot put my son in danger like that. So, I rather depend on childcare centers so I am able to work and provide for my son and if i feel I need time away from my son on a particular Saturday, I would rather put him in a drop in childcare center for two hours than leave him alone with my family that is so quick to hit other people children for no reason.