Setting boundaries with our loved ones can be incredibly challenging, and navigating family relationships is among the tougher work we do as parents. Sometimes we have to make the hard decision to eliminate toxic family members from our lives. If you are struggling with toxicity in your relationships, you are not alone. You may find comfort in hearing how others have dealt with toxic family members, toxic in laws (including difficult mothers-in-law) and toxic friendships.
Setting Boundaries With Loved Ones
Dear Mother, Sister, Friend, In-law or other well meaning person in our lives,
We love you. We know you love our children and we are thankful for that. We want you to be close to them. We want you to have a good relationship with our child(ren). But we need to talk about boundaries. It is a difficult subject because it is unlikely that you mean any harm, though some of you undoubtedly do, and we do not want to come across as ungrateful, whiny brats. We are our children’s mother. We suffered with the morning sickness, the difficult labor, the C-section, the adoption fees, the breastfeeding issues, the sleepless nights. We did. Not you. Sure, you may be related to our children, but you are not their mother, and it’s time we cleared the air. We’ve compiled a list of things that are boundary breakers for many of us, and we would like you to consider them, and consider us as new, fragile mothers just trying to do the best we can with what we’ve got.
We want you to know that these words are hard to write, even harder to say, as you mean so much to us. But at times certain words or actions hinder our relationship, cause us to pull back and potentially damage the relationship you have with our children. While not every situation is a boundary breaker for every mom, it would be wise, when dealing with new parents, please consider the following things:
My child is not “your baby.” My husband may be your baby; hell, I may even be your baby, but that little bundle of joy is not. I know you know that. To you, calling him/her your baby is a term of endearment, but it causes mothers around the world to clench their teeth. I went through so much to have that child, and the right to call him mine is mine. It may be petty, but the privilege of calling the baby “mine” should be reserved for the parents.
Please refrain from intervening when I am disciplining my child. You may not approve of my methods. You may think I’m too stern or not stern enough, but this is not for you to decide. You do not see the whole picture. You may think I am overreacting by not giving in to my daughter’s tantrum for more candy, but you do not have to live with the repercussions. You will not have to put her to bed tonight. You are not the one who will be up later tonight trying to sooth her upset stomach. So if you don’t mind, I will handle the discipline myself.
While we are talking about candy, please do not offer them candy then say, “If it’s okay with Mommy.” While I appreciate the consideration, it turns me into the bad guy if I have to say no. Do us all a favor and ask me first. Most often, it will be fine, but since you may not be aware that he had a giant cookie from Starbucks just before we arrived, a quick “Hey, can I offer them him some candy?” will be much appreciated.
You may think my child has an illness, a delay or any other medical issue, but please do not attempt to diagnose my child. This is not to say if there is something clearly going on that you should remain silent, but be mindful of your words. No mother should hear, “There’s something wrong with that child” from a loved one. If you feel you have legitimate concerns, bring them to the parents, away from the child, and voice them – gently. Suggest we bring it up at our next doctor appointment, but do not label or suggest medications unless you are a qualified professional and we sought your opinion. Attempting to diagnose a child will only lead to frustration and perhaps resentment, even if you are correct.
Unless we ask, please do not attempt to be a lactation consultant. Breastfeeding can be challenging, and it may involve literal blood, sweat and tears. It is also extremely private for some new mothers, and not something everyone would like to do on display. Thank you for your concern, but anything more than “How’s breastfeeding going?” will get you into the boundary-crossing zone very quickly.
Talk to us about birthdays and holidays. We do not need to know or approve of your plans or gifts, but we would like to be sure they do not interfere with ours. Giving our child the same “big” gift we planned to give, and giving it a few days before the actual celebration – that is over the line. Attempting to plan an outing for my child on his birthday, especially one that doesn’t include me, is another example of boundary breaking.
If any of the above describe your words or actions toward the new (or even seasoned) mother in your life, you may be guilty of breaking boundaries. You might think, “Oh, if it bothered her, she would just tell me.” But that is so difficult because we do not want to hurt your feelings. We know in almost all cases you mean well, but that doesn’t stop it from offending us, or causing us to become defensive and even withdrawn.
Sincerely,
Mothers Everywhere
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Everybody on here talking bout the writer is overrating or anything like that you much not have children or just don’t love them the way you should but everything they said is true it’s not your kid I’m a father and my girlfriends mom has never giving us space or time to bound with our son she has been in his face from day one she thinks she can tell us what to do with him what he should wear even tells us that somethings bout him is not our decision but hers she has been doing this for almost three years I really really think my girlfriend doesn’t care at all she tells me she talks to her bout these things but nothing ever changes there’s so many times I wake up to get my son and she has him or has taken him from the house because I didn’t wake up at 5 in the morning with him but I feel like bitch I’m his father and nothing bout him should concern you just because you wake up before everyone does not mean just go and get the baby we’ve asked her many times time to do this I’m not even going to sit here and explain everything she does because it’s honestly just creepy and ridiculous like if I tell her I don’t want her to take a bath with my son I’m not understanding why I have to KEEP telling you but like I said all I have to say to this is yes we live with you but just because of that doesn’t mean I should have to SHARE or GIVE you my child it’s not like you don’t work and pay all our bills and take care of our son all I know is if this is the way life is when we FINALLY get our own place I plan on being single again because I will not live my life like this if my girlfriend still wants her mom in my sons life after all this I will be forced to leave she asks like she is on my side with thing but honestly it does NOT feel that way at all she’s a BIG mommas girl and loves the fact that her mom is so involved with our son and our relationship from the first day I met her I have been in competition with her mom because her mom feels like she loves her mom then anything or anyone but now that my son is here she feels that way bout him there has been times she has burst into tears because we lay him down for a nap she need help and I think she acts and does these things because she hasn’t had a boyfriend since her child’s father passed away when my girlfriend was 2 and she’s 27 now she has no friends or family and is alone most of the time and all of that may very well be sad but that doesn’t mean I should just give you my child full time or not have a problem when you do something we’ve asked you not to do a million times none of that has anything to do with me and I don’t feel bad anymore because it’s like what did you do to be alone most of your family is still alive there is just so much more that she does and how I feel bout her but like I said if this is going to be my life I will find a new woman to be my wife I will not stay with her for the child I would do my part as a single father it just sucks because I know it’s not her fault because this is how she was raised to feel like know one should come before her moms she was raised to never leave the nest because her mom will be alone but that doesn’t mean I have to all I know is when we move her and I OR even just me, will leave the nest and I know some people will read this like he’s trying to keep her away from her mom not at all the case hang out with your mom text your mom but MAKE sure she knows her fucking place because it’s obvious she doesn’t with my son or even care to know therefore have fun watching him grow from afar.
And here I am thinking this is just a part of PPD or I am a bad mom or I am just being too sensitive just like my husband always say. This is posted on what year? 2014? Now it’s 2018 but this is what I exactly feel and my daughter isn’t even 1 year yet. I’m a new mom. Since day 1 after her birth, I and my husband haven’t received a full time help from experienced figure about taking care of her. My family is in the Philippines. They can’t come here to Canada even if they’re all willing to help me with her. We’re living with my in laws but they’re busy with work. My mother in law has 2 jobs, my father in law works overnight and afraid to hold her, not until she’s big enough and my husband also works. I’m left with her alone everyday even if I’m still recovering with my stitches. She’s now 2 months, still a bit colicky and has baby acne. So you can imagine how it is. Don’t get me wrong. I love her very much and wouldn’t exchange her for the world. But when you had a very tiring day, didn’t get to shower or eat much, maybe skipped going to the loo then your mother in law comes home, hears the inconsolable crying. She rushes to your room like you just hit your baby. She asks what’s wrong, holds your baby, calls her her baby then literally asks her if she’s mad at her mom because HER MOM! HER MOM! did something to her. Maybe she’s just joking but it’s making me feel like I’m not a good mom, that I’m not doing .
I cant forget that one time she thought I was overdressing my baby. Maybe she was overheating or I was holding her too much that she’s already used to it that’s why she wouldnt stop crying.
She saw the rashes on my baby’s face and asked if I am bathing her.
And here’s the breastfeeding issue. My baby wouldn’t stop crying. My mother in law asked me to take out my breast then while I was nursing, my baby was still fussy. She asked if she is getting enough or if the letdown is too fast. Ofcourse I will know, it’s my breast and yes she gets enough. If not, she will not grow and we will not run out of diapers. She is just colicky and I am just really not comfortable being observed while breastfeeding.
Another related issue. My father in law thinks my baby is fussy because all she gets is air from me because I dont eat. But I do eat. He just doesn’t see me because he sleeps all day. My husband leaves me with food in our room before he goes to work. My husband explained it to him a few times but I dont think he believes him.
Honestly, I dont understand if they know what colic is or if they would understand even if we explain it to them again. Do they even listen to us or just choose to understand the things they’re used to.
Where am I going with all these? I’m sorry by the way. Looks like I just rant. Might as well make my own blog and post this as my first entry but my point is, they dont know what I go through, what I experience because they were not with me the whole day then they will come prancing their way in like everything I do is wrong.
New parents, especially new mothers doesn’t deserve this. The last thing we need is judgement. All we want is real actual help.
This open letter is the first comforting thing I’ve read since the last two months of my new life as a mommy. You made me feel that I’m not insane?, that I’m not the only one.
Thank you very much! ☺
Wow, this headline should read “The Entitle Spoiled Brat Generation Speaks Out.” First of all, why not be grateful that more people than you and your husband love your children? I call my grand angels “my babies”. It means I would do anything for them, help you as parents in any way I can. Give my left kidney or blood or bone marrow if they needed it. They are really extensions of my babies, but this is just shorthand. Be honest: do you resent someone else loving your children besides you? That screams insecurity on your part.
Then the gifts: you want to control what your children receive? I can understand inappropriate gifts, but toys or cherished gifts from their parent’s youth are not to be passed down? Who said grandparents even have to give gifts? They do it out of love because they cherish those babies. The Entitlement here overwhelms me!
And why is it bad to make you the “bad person”? After all, those are your rules. You made them and have every right to make them, and good for you for feeding your child healthy food only. So have the conviction to stand up for it. FYI peers in my generation who banished sweets from the house found their kids consumed twice as much once they were out of the house.
You have a lot of growing up to do, and the word “gracious” is missing from your profile. You should be respectful to your “elders”. Remember, your kids are watching how you treat us, because they will do the same to YOU! In agrarian societies, the basis of our evolution, children were raised in large families. Elders were respected for their knowledge and consulted often. It was one of the small perks of getting old. Now you go to Alexa for child rearing advice. It is great to set boundaries in every relationship, but there comes a point where you go too far and are just plain rude. I think this is one of those times!
Candy you sound like such a Joy. I bet your DiL LOVES to be around you… LOL!!!!!!!
I am absolutely certain you did not have this level of overbearing relationship with your MIL. This is exclusive to typical Boomer entitlement.
Wow! is all I have to say. Whomever wrote this has a terrible relationship with their Mother.
Great article! PERFECTLY SAID. Tho whoever said the author is entitled/spoiled, etc. they are the ones that need a chill pill. They clearly never went through anyone taking advantage of them when they were a mom. Or maybe they themselves are the bullies that like taking advantage of new moms, so this article upsets them because it exposes them and offers alternative options to those being oppressed by people like them. They’ve never been robbed of motherhood or been bullied by the ILs. So for them to say that is completely ignorant. Truth hurts! Whether you like it or not.
Great article! PERFECTLY SAID. Tho whoever said the author is entitled/spoiled, etc. they are the ones that need a chill pill. They clearly never went through anyone taking advantage of them when they were a mom. Or maybe they themselves are the bullies that like taking advantage of new moms, so this article upsets them because it exposes them and offers alternative options to those being oppressed by people like them. They’ve never been robbed of motherhood or been bullied by the ILs. So for them to say that is completely ignorant.
So all u grandmas out there, what if the mil is manipulative to the child and says things like mommy doesn’t love u and makes your kid cry? Or tells one of your children that she is her only granddaughter and she only loves her and your other 3 girls cry and feel unloved bc of the remarks she makes? Or you are breastfeeding your baby and mil says u need to stop it that’s disgusting? Or she tells your children not to listen to you and in front of everyone says that you are a horrible parent and that you never do anything right and supposedly you are a bad parent? All of which u r not. U r wonderful parent and take excellent care of your kids. So what do u do then? How would u handle it?
I have an older sister who is trying to “mom” through my little girl. She has never had children. When she found out I was pregnant, she went to my parents house and threatened to commit suicide. When I gave specific instructions about sleeping areas, she ignored and allowed my baby to fall… she apologized by saying how terrible she felt because it ruined her day. I could go in, but I don’t want to get worked up. Just because you don’t agree with everything, doesn’t mean there isn’t a situation where they apply.
2018 and this is still relevant! Applies to older kids and toddlers too, not just the babies!