What Is Your Attachment Style? A Revelation In My Marriage
Marriage is hard. No one can deny it. Even if they portray to be the most perfect couple on the planet via social media, every marriage has it’s challenges. Whether it be financial, emotional, sexual etc. I am not a licensed therapist or even anything clinical with fancy letters behind my name. I am just a girl who has been married for a decade and has gone through some of the same arguments and debates over and over again, feeling helpless and then realizing most marital issues are resolvable with open communication and a complete understanding of your other half.
Y’all know this new thing where technology “hears you” and then all of a sudden ads and articles start popping up? It is freakin’ creepy. However, one time it happened and it completely changed my outlook on my husband and the arguments we had been having. I was talking to my sister about some of the things my husband and I have conflict on. Later that night, I was scrolling through TikTok videos and most of the “for you” page was videos on something called anxious and avoidant attachments. I was perplexed because I had never searched that before. Then it clicked. Earlier in the day, I was telling my sister how I wish I was able to not take things so personally and be a little less sensitive and less anxious about everything.
If you have not heard of attachment styles, keep reading. It has honestly changed my mindset during disagreement or conflict, not only with my husband, but with my family, my children, my friends and coworkers. Educating myself on these styles has truly opened my mind and allowed me to see things through a different lens. We are all a product of our environment since birth, and once you read about these different styles, things will start to click. I promise you.
I will not bore you with the details of the full picture of how this has changed our marriage for the better, but I will share with you the variety of styles and more information on them.
- Secure Attachment: Empathetic. Able to set appropriate boundaries. Feel safe, stable, and more satisfied in their close relationships. They do not fear being on their own and they usually thrive in close, meaningful relationships.
- Insecure; Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment: Complete opposite of those who are anxious (see number 3). They are very skeptical of closeness and try hard to avoid emotional connection with others. They do not want to rely on others or have others rely on them.
- Insecure; Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment: In most cases, tend to be overly needy. Often anxious and uncertain, lacking in self-esteem. They crave emotional intimacy but they also worry that others don’t want to be with them.
As you can see, the attachment styles characterize the different ways that humans interact and behave in relationships. During early childhood, these attachment styles center on how children and parents interact. In adulthood, attachment styles describe attachment patterns in romantic relationships.
I truly believe (again, not clinical, not an expert) that knowing your style and your spouse’s and reading up on each other’s attachment styles can help your marriage blossom and your communication improve.
Unsure of which one you are, take the quiz here.
P.S. If you are curious as to why I went down the rabbit hole of attachment styles, you guessed it…I am an anxious attachment style. And my better half is avoidant.