Why My Kid Probably Won’t Come to Your Kid’s Party

Dear Fellow Parent,

Thank you so much for inviting my child to your child’s birthday party. Unfortunately, we are unlikely to attend. In fact, if my kid hasn’t regularly mentioned your kid, we’re definitely not coming.

Please do not take this rejection as a commentary on you or your child. It’s not even about my child. It’s really about me. I don’t want to go.

You see, I’m an introvert, and the sheer thought of having to participate in small talk with other adults – who likely have nothing in common with me other than children of the same age, all while said children run around us screaming – causes my chest to tighten with anxiety.

At the last birthday party, I took my kids to, not one adult talked to me beyond the initial introduction. As someone who is terrible at small talk, you’d think I’d be okay with this, but it was mortifying.  Because I lack the social skills to initiate small talk, I find myself worried that others will assume I am a snob, so I over-compensate by making eye contact and smiling, hoping some extroverted parent will take pity on me and initiate small talk just so that I don’t have to sit alone and give off the impression of being unapproachable and unfriendly. But nobody rescued me this time, and it didn’t help that the party was outdoors, so I was eaten alive by bugs while sitting in my isolation. All the posturing is, quite frankly, exhausting.

And it’s not just my social anxiety that makes me not want to attend these parties. My weekends are always already packed full of errands, laundry, chores, lesson planning, and efforts to squeeze in quality family time. A birthday party means several lost hours – hours I can’t spend doing any of these other things that still have to get done. Plus, there is the additional stress to find time to shop for a gift before the party. It’s an awful lot of work just to commit to a few hours of personal misery. And let’s be honest, after all that fun and sugar, my kid becomes the monster under the bed in the evening, so the misery extends well beyond the party.

If my child has an established friendship with your kid or if she regularly talks about your kid, I will make every effort to get her to your child’s party. I will suffer the tremendous discomfort these parties cause me for the sake of my daughter’s friendships and opportunities for socialization because I know it matters to her and her friends. But with two girls at the age where birthday party invitations are typically sent out to every kid in the class, we simply can’t attend 40+ parties a year anyway, so more than likely, your kid’s party will be among many we choose not to attend.

I do apologize that we cannot attend, and I hope I haven’t caused your child too much disappointment; however, my social anxiety, the loss of time, and the collective cost of birthday presents are all too much for me to handle this weekend. I’d say, “maybe next time,” but let’s be honest, that would just be a polite little lie.

And as a final note, please don’t be offended when your child doesn’t get an invitation to my child’s birthday party. Nobody did. I talked her into picking something fun to do with the family because I don’t want a bunch of strangers at my house, and location parties come with hefty price tags and stressors I have no interest in dealing with.

So, thanks, but no thanks. We hope your kid has a fantastic time. We just won’t be there.


A mom with boundaries

Kelly first moved to New Orleans to attend Tulane University, from which she earned a B.S. in Psychology and English and an M.A. in English. She quickly discovered New Orleans was the place where she had always belonged and her high school sweetheart, Jeff, soon followed her here. They have now been married for 14 year and have two beautiful girls, Emma Jane (9) and Hannah (5), and 2 year-old pup named Ember. Kelly is a lover of all things nerdy and a proud fangirl, and she is a passionate high school English teacher.


  1. This is beyond sad. I get the social anxiety part but at some point when it starts to affect others ..namely your innocent children there is a need for intervention of some kind. All the excuses don’t fly with me ….a gift card takes 2 min to buy and throw in a card,( buy a few at a time and be ready!) your laundry and house chores will still be there when the party is over and really are way down on the priority list as they should be in a family where “ family time” is enjoyed that you mention. It’s almost as if your social issues will be passed on to your daughters …they will not get to enjoy partying with their friends and make the memories that are so important when building friendships , and they will not have parties of their own even if only with a few friends ….?? A lot of “I” “ I will suffer” “I’m sorry your kid will be disappointed” “ I’m stressed………how about…….. “ I’m working on getting help to overcome these feelings that are affecting my family. It won’t be long when unfortunately the invitations will stop coming your girls will be “the ones that never come “ and therefore no longer get asked . Very sad as you have many years ahead .Social activities do not end in grade school …. Make the changes needed for yourself as well…..mom time is so important ..getting to know the families that your girls chose to spend time with is priceless. Hoping you can find the time between your work ,your house ,etc to do whatever it takes to enjoy life and allow your children to as well. Seriously wishing you “freedom” from these feelings and happiness …life is way too short to miss out on all the fun stuff!!!

  2. And what about the other kid? The one that likes, and is friends yours enough to actually invite your kid personally to their party. What if, and hear me out now, the party and invitation is not about YOU at all? What if it’s about a kid who, surprise, surprise, might actually be shy and feel insecure in social settings too? And what if, by refusing to let your kid go, you break another’s heart? Because how do you know if the one invitation your kid got, was the only one they had the nerve to hand out? How do you know they aren’t best friends at school? They certainly can’t be friends outside of school because your too nervous to talk to adults, so your kid just stops asking to go places, so they won’t get told no, again. Not sure who I feel more sorry for, my kid, the shy one, who may not have any kids come to his party because of parents like you? Or yours, the one never gets to experience fun parties because mommy might have to talk to someone.


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