3 Things I Learned About Pregnancy After Loss
Five years ago, I had a stillbirth and lost my son. Three months later, I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor staring at a positive pregnancy test but the excitement at seeing those two lines lasted about a second before turning into full-blown fear.
Pregnancy after loss – it’s not for the faint of heart and can be one of the most mentally exhausting journeys you can experience.
Along the way, I learned a lot about anxiety, fear and trusting myself. So if you find yourself pregnant after experiencing a pregnancy or baby loss, here are three things I learned that I hope will help you navigate the next nine months.
1. Your last pregnancy’s story isn’t this pregnancy’s story
It can feel like gospel truth that your current pregnancy is doomed, just like your last pregnancy, especially if you’ve had consecutive losses. But as true as that might feel, rest in the knowledge that this pregnancy is not your last pregnancy. The baby you’re carrying right now is its own being and this pregnancy has its own story to tell.
You have every right to hope and believe in a happy ending. This became my mantra, something I would tell myself every day of those tumultuous nine months. Just because the worst happened to you before does not mean the worst is going to happen again. So mama, believe that the precious baby you’re carrying is growing healthy and whole.
2. It’s normal to feel disconnected to your “rainbow pregnancy”
Oh, the mom guilt! I remember feeling like a truly awful person because I could not connect with my baby during my pregnancy. The things moms usually do to bond with their baby, like picking out a name, buying clothes and decorating a nursery were all things that I was too terrified to do. I became incredibly superstitious, nervous that if I bought the baby shoes or set up the crib I would be risking another loss.
Through therapy, my therapist helped me realize that this disconnection was actually a way of protecting myself. She also gave me a great piece of advice – start with the small things. Buy one pair of shoes, wash one outfit, let yourself think of one name and then sit with those actions for a few days. Seeing that preparing for baby was ok…that my baby was ok helped reinforce my first point. Your last pregnancy’s story isn’t this pregnancy’s story.
3. Your anxiety may never truly go away…and that’s ok
I kept waiting for the moment when I felt like I was at a safe point in my pregnancy, looking for “the next reassurance.” But whether it was through ultrasounds, at-home dopplers, frequent visits to L&D, any reassurance I would receive would be short lived. Anxiety is like grief – it’s not linear and often times, it’s ever evolving. You can’t “placate” anxiety, just like you can’t placate grief. The hard truth about pregnancy loss is that reassurances are often short lived and there may never be a point at which you feel completely anxiety free. Once I made peace with that, I was able to prepare myself for the inevitable fear that came following a positive appointment or ultrasound. It may sound counterintuitive but doing that helped me make peace with my anxiety and hang on to the bits of confidence I did have.
Dear Mamas, I know this is pregnancy can be a long, emotionally wrought road but I hope you are able to find joy in your rainbow pregnancy. Give yourself grace – to fear and worry but most of all, to hope and love.
