Diary of a Toddler Mom

Sunday ::

I might be going crazy. Our living room smells like poo, but I can’t figure out where it’s coming from! I have looked under everything and sniffed every surface like a freakin’ basset hound, and I still cannot figure what the funk smells so bad. I even thought for a moment, “Whoa, maybe I’M what smells like poo. What if I don’t realize that I’m totally Pepe Le Poo?” One shower later and the smell is still there.

WHERE IS THE POO???

Monday ::

This morning, I did not want to get out of bed. I stared at the baby monitor with one eye open, willing Ben to go back to sleep. He did not. It was a 4 cup-o-coffee morning.

Tonight, Jeff joked that Ben is going to be so confused when he’s older and hears people talking about New Orleans’ Monday red beans and rice tradition because all we ever eat on Mondays is rotisserie chicken…#lazymamamondays.

Oh, I almost forgot! Update on the funk: apparently the scented firewood Jeff bought smells exactly like a 21-month-old’s poo. Go figure. #themoreyouknow

Tuesday ::

Can we freeze time? Whenever I think Ben can’t get any cuter, he does. Honestly, you should hear the way he says, “No way!” If he was on a sitcom, “No way!” would totally be his catchphrase. It would become an instant classic like “What you talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?” and “How Rude!” and nostalgic onesies with his catchphrase would be printed twenty years from now. It’s just that cute.

Note to self: write a sitcom about my awesome kid and merchandise the cr@p out of his awesome catchphrase. Become a billionaire and hire someone to invent a pill that makes you really skinny without any weird side effects. Market the pill under the name, “No Weigh!” Then open a Trader Joe’s in Metairie with my skinny pill money. Sell organic “No Whey!” protein shakes at Trader Joe’s. High-five myself. All. Day. Long.

Wednesday ::

Soooooo, “No way!” isn’t quite as cute when Ben is shrieking it throughout Lakeside Mall. Even pulling up an episode of (the dreaded) Caillou on my phone did nothing to break the continuous tantrum. I kept hoping the people ahead of me in line at Gap Kids would invite me to cut them. And “No, lady in front of me in line, he is not hungry and he does not need a nap. He just wants to be set free to run around like a wild man, which he could do sooner if you would just let us cut in line instead of judging my parenting. Thankyouverymuch.”

Looking on the bright side, does the fact that Ben has hit the Terrible Two’s three months early mean that he’s advanced?

Thursday ::

I thought Ben’s eating habits would get better as he got older, but my once non-picky eater exists mainly off of carbs and the occasional piece of chicken or fruit. His new nickname is “Polly” because the only thing he wants to eat lately is crackers. He wakes up in the morning, pushes his breakfast to the side, and says, “Cuh-kerrr.” Do they make crackers with hidden veggies in them? Remember to google that later.

Also google when the crazy jumping phase will end? (Please let it be soon.) Ben would rather jump than walk. He jumps off of anything he can get onto – a curb, a block, MY LEG. His favorite way to jump is to intentionally land on his butt. Hopefully, he’ll stop doing that before he breaks his tailbone…or at least after he is potty-trained and no longer has the diaper for an handy butt cushion.

I long for the day when he doesn’t fling himself around with such wreckless abandon. I also long for the day when I can get a non-blurry picture of my sweet, little Tasmanian Devil. At the same time though, I want him to stay exactly how he is for as long as possible. Just the thought of him growing up sends me into tears too often to admit.

Friday ::

Two words: Tummy bug. I don’t look forward to Ben getting sick again, but I do look forward to the day when he can direct his vomit into a bucket. He mainly vomits on me, but one epic vomit splashed all over his nursery floor hitting the glider, the crib, several toys, and his curtains. Remember Sunday when I was sniffing the living room for poo? Well, tonight I was sniffing Ben’s room for the invisible spot of vomit that I failed to clean. Who knew that one tiny speck of vomit was pungent enough to pollute an entire room? I finally moved our entire tummy bug operation into the living room, setting up the air mattress, covering all of the furniture with old sheets, and having buckets and bowls within reach from every spot in the room.

Saturday ::

The tummy bug has hit me hard. Downside: all of the vomit. Upside: I lost 5 lbs! The tummy bug is not quite as effective as the “No Weigh!” skinny pill will certainly be, but this mama will take what she can get.

What is your toddler like? Any crazy, funny stories? What do you find most challenging about the toddler stage?