Silence filled the room. We sat waiting, wondering. The doctor who delivered my last son arrived to perform the ultrasound. Within seconds, she found it. A tiny little blob on the monitor. A tiny little blob that would rock our world.
“It looks like you are about 5 and a half weeks along”, she said. “And see, there’s your IUD, still in place.” We barely acknowledged her, or the ultrasound images. We were in shock and disbelief.
Over the next few days, we did not talk much about the elephant in the room. What do you say when you are unhappy with the two pink lines? The two pink lines that you coveted for so long with your first child, the two pink lines that you were ecstatic to see with your second are now making you cringe with terror. Terrified of the possibility of uterine perforation, terrified of the possibility of three kids in four years, and terrified of yet another pregnancy loss.
Just a few hours before, I was telling my friend I was late this month, and I would take a pregnancy test, since testing always made my period appear. Not this time though. This time, I sat alone in my bathroom, crying and shaking, hoping the test was somehow wrong. The thought of telling my husband, who originally wanted only one child, was making me nauseous. Or maybe the nausea was from the pregnancy itself. I had to tell him though. Not telling him would not make this less real.
“I took a pregnancy test….and it’s…..positive.” I cried like a 15 year old telling their mother. Only I was 31 telling my husband.
He had both our two and one year olds sleeping on his lap, so he couldn’t exactly yell or cry, but I’m pretty sure he wanted to do both.
“WHAT? Are you serious?” He quietly exclaimed.
Shaking, I could only bring myself to nod.
With my other children, it took a combined 18 months to get pregnant. How could this happen to me? How could I of all people end up with an unexpected pregnancy? I had to see a specialist before conceiving my first born for crying out loud! Fertile Myrtle, I am not.
We had no idea how we were going to do this, again. Our house was too small, our kids were too young, money was extra tight … these and other concerns were our main focus for quite a while. We were so fixated on the negative aspects of bringing another child into the world that we were unable to focus on the positive, which of course brought a hefty dose of guilt. I was overwhelmed with guilt for not being excited. Didn’t I know how many people would give anything to be pregnant right now? How could I not appreciate this? I remember sitting and rocking my son, crying and telling him I loved him and would not replace him, all the while being excited about giving him the opportunity to be a big brother. The emotional roller coaster was making me sick…or again, that could have been the pregnancy.
Thankfully, I have some incredibly supportive friends who assured me that my reaction was normal. They reminded me that just because some people had trouble getting pregnant did not mean I had to jump for joy when faced with an unintended pregnancy.
From Disbelief to Acceptance
I cannot pinpoint the day I became excited about the baby. Maybe it was the day of the gender reveal party, or the day we settled on a name? All I know is slowly but surely, the fears were replaced with acceptance, the dread was overtaken by joy, and the guilt was all but gone. Though it has been over two years since I saw those two pink lines, I still sometimes feel guilty about my reaction to the pregnancy. I have to remind myself that it was okay to feel less than thrilled. It was okay to be scared. It was okay to react the way I did given the circumstances.
Nine months later, when this little guy arrived, I felt nothing but joy and gratitude for his presence. He was perfect.
Our little surprise is now nearly 20 months old, and I could not imagine life without him. He is so sweet and happy and funny. He fit right into his role as baby brother, and he loves playing with (and fighting with) his siblings. Though we thought our family was complete with two children, Dylan came along and filled a void we did not know existed.
Wow, oh wow! This made me cry. Powerful story. Many moms experience this, but afraid to express it since everyone expects them to be jumping with joy. Thanks for being vulnerable and courageous enough to share this. I’m glad in time you found the joy of expecting as well. What a beautiful baby boy. I love that photo.
Thanks, Christine. I really appreciate your thoughts. And I know all too well about blog posts that make me cry! 🙂
I bet writing that made you feel better. What a story, you’re awesome for sharing it.
Thank you, Tiffany.
Thanks for sharing! My husband also only wanted one kid, so I can definitely relate to this. Our timeframe was just a tad shorter. 🙂
And I know so many people who have conceived with an IUD. Crazy!
Yes, three at once would’ve likely pushed me over the edge! 😉
I know this time was very difficult for you and your family……..only because it was an ‘unplanned’ blessing……..now, we couldn’t imagine life without adorable, sweet, handsome, loving, funny Dylan. This just reminds us that indeed, God knows what he’s doing!!
Thanks for sharing!!
And we couldn’t have done this without you!! You have been instrumental in preserving my sanity, haha.
I know you wrote this years ago but I am reading it now as it is just the way I am feeling.
I have one now who is 14 months and just days ago I found out I am pregnant again…I was not thrilled to see the test result, I felt sick to my stomach and have cried pretty much every day since.
I am 38 so time was getting close to having number two before I turned 40 but never the less I still don’t feel ready.
My husband and I met late in life so we knew we had to try for 1 right away and after that that if we wanted number 2 we would have to try not long after our first turned 2 in case we didn’t fall pregnant first time.
But I knew I wasn’t ready but with time not on our side and lots of my family going into menopause before 40 I felt pressure to try…but seeing that test say yes when deep down you are not ready is so hard.
Our families lie 12 hour drive away and a 8 hour flight away so that also stresses me out, not only because I get no support or visitors able to stay for long but when I travel to see them it is tough enough with one let alone two. I hate feeling crappy about this when I felt so happy first time around. I get seconds everyday of thinking I can do this, it will be ok….then I crash back to tears and not waking to get out of bed to face reality 🙁
I hope this feeling fades soon. Even with my first as excited as I was he came a week early and I never got to that stage f being ready even for him.
Myndee, fantastic! Thank you for sharing your story and being so honest and refreshing about something so many women face.
I felt the same way when I first found out we were pregnant. I was a nervous wreck about telling my husband as we had both agreed we didn’t want any children. I cried…alot. I remember when I told him. I had left work early (after I had taken the test there!) & he was working on out broken bathroom (in the broken house we had just bought & planned to restore). I looked at him, cried & told him the news. He hugged me & seemed excited. I said, through tears, “but you don’t want any kids.” His response, “well I do now.” The very next day we confirmed it with my OB who then told me it was twins. Bam! Double whammy! My upset turned to excitment (and nervousness) that very day. I figured that twins, conceived without “help,” was a blessing & a miracle & we both were very happy. I was put on bed rest at 29 weeks & then my twins came at 30 weeks & the guilt from that 1 day of resentment came flooding back. I cried & cried & cried while my babies were in the Nicu b/c I thought that by my not wanting them originally, I had done this to them. Luckily, they are fine & you would never know they were early & we are so happy for our little surprises.
Your post really hit home with me. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
Oh my! That must have been quite the experience. I want to tell you not to feel bad and of course their NICU stay wasn’t your doing, but I am all too familiar with the irrational mommy guilt we bear. I’m glad everyone is doing well now! How old are your twins?
That’s amazing and what a wonderful husband you have to say that when you first told him. How many men would be so poised and say the perfect thing? Of course you wouldn’t blame them for saying something less eloquent in a time of shock, but, wow what a great thing for him to have said. What a blessing he is along with the twins!
Thanks Carrie. 🙂 I like him! 🙂 )Btw, my comment below was in response to Myndee’s response) 🙂
I know that but at the time, I was juat an emotional wreck! They are 3 & 1/2 now & full of hell! 🙂 I should have mentioned that my husband was 48 at the time (I was 29)…that makes a difference! hahaha! 🙂 So, he is definately the oldest daddy in the pre-k3 class.
Myndee, nice to know I wasn’t alone. When I found out I was pregnant with Mick I was happy and devastated. My youngest was 12! My husband had just been laid off and ki was so overwhelmed it wasn’t funny. I don’t know when I changed over either but we didn’t know he was missing! My house is still way too small (he’s in my room – in my bed) money is still tight but those blue eyes have my heart. My husband was excited and then he cried with worry too. God knew he was supposed to be here. My sister is still in disbelief. She still looks at him and says “I just can’t believe he’s yours!” On the downside – whenever the girls take him anywhere people think he’s theirs.
What a beautifully written, heartfelt post! Bravo sweet lady!
Wow! I can totally relate to this! So beautiful & heartfelt!