Dear Baby Girl,
You are perfect in every way. We love you just the way you are. We can’t wait to meet you.
Mommy and Daddy
That is what I have said to my baby girl several times since we found out that baby #2 is going to be a girl. It usually immediately follows one of the following comments:
- Oh no another girl, I guess you will have to try for #3.
- Is your husband disappointed?
- Well at least you can reuse your clothes from the first one.
- You had an IUI right? You know you can do gender selection pretty easily.
- Third time is the charm.
First off, what is wrong with people?
Secondly, we are so blessed to have this new addition to our family. As I have written about in the past, my husband and I have been through a loss and a struggle with secondary infertility. So when we found out that we were expecting, we, my husband included, didn’t care about the gender of the baby. We were just too excited to be parents again.
From the second you pee on the stick, you are in love. You are not in love with a baby pending finding out the gender. So it is disturbing to me the reactions that we have gotten as people, friends and family included, find out the gender of the baby.
In the 20 week anatomy check, we asked to make sure that everything looked and measured correctly first before they told us the gender. Because in the end, making sure baby was healthy was our #1 priority. Gender was secondary. It did not matter the gender; we would love our baby just the same.
However, I feel that I need to constantly remind my baby that she is loved even though she will be our second girl. Not because we are disappointed in any way, but because of the comments that we have gotten.
I feel as though I have to justify to others that we are excited to welcome her into our family. I have been hurt by the comments, taking it very personally, and have responded defensively. This little baby is a blessing and not a consolation prize. I mean, if we don’t care about the gender, why do people try to stir the pot? It is such a negative thing in what is such a happy time. As the mother, I am in the butterflies and unicorns stage where my baby is just wonderful; so don’t rain on my parade.
The question “are you trying for a third one?” makes me the most crazy. First off, that is a horribly personal question. There is something about having a baby that people feel invited to ask you intimate things that they wouldn’t normally ask you about your boobs and uterus.
But I am more offended by the fact that this little baby is not even born, and people are already looking beyond her birth. I mean, can’t we focus our attention on this little one, just like we did when her big sister arrived?
I am sure this is the same on the reverse side. If you had two boys, people would want to know if you were going to try for a girl. But the point I am trying to make is, why isn’t the answer just “congratulations!” Why does it have to be loaded?
Of all those comments the only one that I think is slightly understandable is the one about your husband. Mainly because lots of men run around not being scared to say they really want to boy. Now that being said I can tell you definitively that my in-laws don’t even hide the fact that they strongly prefer our sign to our daughters. What is this, the 1800s? It absolutely drives me insane because they were definitely less excited for their arrivals. A baby is a baby and a huge blessing no matter what!
Exactly! if my husband was fetching wood or hurdling cattle I could understand the need for a boy…maybe. But in today’s world, girls are just as equally rock stars! I grew up with sisters so I am super excited for them to have that bond!
*son not sign
Even if your husband is disappointed, what would make anyone think that you want to discuss that publicly? Just congratulate the family on their new addition and move on.
Brittany, I left that comment for Linzy as a good friend – I’m confident she knew what I meant 🙂 For a stranger to ask is out of line. For a good friend to ask honestly how she’s feeling is perhaps different ya know? I’ve had a few close friends confess to gender disappointment so as a friend I think that statement of all is not always offensive.
Congratulations on your second pregnancy! I’m sure your baby is perfect just the way she is.
I’m pregnant with my second child and second boy and could not be more thrilled! While I’m not sure I’ll ever have the opportunity to but ridiculous expensive bows or smocked dresses (my husband is secretly doing a happy dance right now) I am honestly ok with that. I don’t know what it is about pregnancy but I feel that people more often than not stick their foot in their mouth. Don’t people understand as a pregnant woman you already have an INSANE amount of hormones following through you and it would be best to keep your reaction simple and polite! “Congratulations on your baby, I can’t wait to meet him or her” Is perfectly acceptable and appreciated! In all honestly I probably made equally ignorant comments to expectant moms prior to becoming a mom myself but I do strive to make sure my words are softer and kinder now that I’ve experienced some of these statements. Congratulations on baby girl number 2!
Exactly! Thank you for validating my rant!!
Congratulations on your newest blessing! Girls are great! I have three girls, so I understand each and every comment from friends, family, and strangers. And yes, we get asked frequently if we are going to try for #4, the boy. Seriously people, it is none of your business:)
My name is Lindsey as well and I am expecting baby girl #2 too (how exciting)l! My husband and I are super excited about another girl. It’s actually just what I wanted. I hate having to justify to people and explain, yes we are happy, no we are not disappointed it’s another girl. I deal with the same things as well as you. I always tell people… This is not the Stone Age. We do not need a man to carry on our name…
Sounds like you are in the same boat!
Congratulations on your sweet baby! We didn’t find out the sex for either baby (girl then boy) and people were rude about that. Telling us we HAD to find out, expect to only get ugly clothes since there is little gender neutral, etc. I don’t know why people feel it’s okay to be so rude to pregnant women, don’t they know hormones are all over the place without the unnecessary comments 😉
I feel your pain. I have five girls and people ALWAYS want to know when we are having a boy or how my husband “manages” with all girls. Like, really not anyone’s business. 🙂 Every baby is a blessing, whether boy or girl!
This really does make me feel better because when people hear I’m expecting my third boy they usually respond by saying, “bless your heart!” or “Good Luck!” I thought that boys were just so much more difficult, but if they’re saying the same to you about girls, it’s my guess that kids are just a lot of work period! I’ve met my fair share of toddler girls who are every bit as adventurous as my boys (you know who you are). I’d bet money that if I ever did have a daughter, she’d be very rough and tough from having 3 older brothers! LOL. For me, having a fourth child would not be in an effort to try for my girl, it would be to have another child. Statistics are pretty clear at this point… it would be a boy again and I’m ok with that! 🙂
As someone who has been through two losses so far and 0 live births, I will be ecstatic to have any baby. I think only people who have had no trouble at all having children care about the gender, because if you’ve had a loss or any difficulty getting pregnant at all, you realize it’s asinine to care about gender. Very happy for you and your family!!