7 Things You Should Not Say to Adoptive Parents

First, I am not a fan of those “what not to say” blogs that inevitably pop up on any given subject. Most of the time, I find these blogs describing missed opportunities to educate. So, I realize the irony in my writing one. However, it’s Adoption Awareness month, so here I go.

7 Things You Should Not Say To Adoptive Parents

1 :: Adopted is a verb; adoptive is an adjective. My child is not adoptive; she was adopted as an infant. Adjectives are qualifiers, and my family doesn’t feel the need to qualify her in this way. It’s unnecessary. And while it’s not exactly a secret, we don’t broadcast that she was adopted. She’s ours. Our names are on her birth certificate. And right now, her privacy is our number 1 concern. We believe that how we came to be a family is not anyone’s business. So, please don’t call my daughter “adopted” unless you also call children “biological” on a daily basis. I’ve certainly never asked anyone if their child came out of their vagina. Asking if a child was adopted, is crass. Don’t be crass.

2 :: Don’t ask about the birth parents. If this is someone you know well, they’ll tell you. And if not, why do you need the info?

3 :: If you know someone has adopted, ask them before you spread their news. For some, it’s an intensely private experience. We once had a family member tell someone my husband had worked with 10 years before that we had adopted. Why? I have no freaking clue. I don’t know why this person had to be told anything; but anything other than, “They have a daughter now,” is way too much information for anyone other than us to share.

4 :: Some people adopt because they have medical issues and cannot have children biologically. This is none of your business. If you don’t understand this, please re-read until you do. If you are close enough to the parents to know if this is the case, awesome. If not, it’s not your concern.

5 :: Don’t ask in front of children. I have a cousin who was interested in adoption. He came to me and specifically asked if we would share our experience. This is the time, place, and only way to do this. It was respectful, thoughtful, and we had a great time talking. Just don’t ask us about our daughter in front of our daughter.

6 :: I don’t know why but people insist on telling people who’ve adopted because of infertility, “Now you’ll get pregnant and have one of your own.” Uh … okay, that does happen … sometimes. And yes, I know what you meant, but you just made me feel horrible for not being able to make a baby in my body and completely disregarded everything I went through to get my child. And you managed to do that at the same time. So, think twice before telling anyone that gem. Also, my daughter is “my own.”

7 :: And lastly (and I really wish this went without saying, but sadly it doesn’t), it is never, NEVER appropriate to bring up or discuss the fact that a child is not a parent’s biological child in public. Not ever. It will completely take the parent off guard and probably stun them into silence.

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If you are interested in learning more about becoming certified to foster and adopt in Louisiana, please visit the Department of Children & Family Services website.

About Nicola

image1.PNGNicola grew up in southwest Louisiana but lived in southeast Louisiana for several years. She and her husband have been married for almost 12 years. They have 1 daughter, 4 dogs, and 1 cat.

5 COMMENTS

  1. I love your post. I also love how direct you are in writing it! I was an adopted child (see post), and I never quite understood why people could not just accept that we (my family) were just family, no matter how we got there. I can’t even count the ways I am like my parents, but I also grew up without an expectation that I would be “like” my parents. It was ideal all around, except for the questions and prying. I think this is an issue of people not talking about it enough rather than talking about it too much. Those who say those seven offending things are just not saying the right things. People need to talk about adoption early and as a real option for creating a family, not as an afterthought or as gossip. We didn’t adopt our daughter (mostly because the adoption outlets we tried deemed us too young and we could not truthfully state a reason of infertility when we applied). But we love our biological daughter just as much as we would have loved an adopted child. 🙂

  2. My husband is adopted and none of these things applied to how his laments felt or expected others to handle things, AT ALL. They were incredibly open about Chris being adopted, my husband was eventually told who his biological mom was and was ecstatic even more so that he was adopted 😉 by his wonderful parents. We refer to his parents as….well his parents…..and to his birth mom as his biological mom. So for us the term “biological” is used much like the term “adopted” seems to be used for slot of others. To us his mom and dad are a I moly his parents…..there is no other identifying factor…..we specify his birth mom to make it abundantly clear she is just his birth mom and that doesn’t make anyone other than may e her feel that his family came to be any less authentically than any other. My mother in law is incredible and open about her fertility issues, her adopting my husband, etc and I’m so thankful that it has me we been this “secret” or incredibly “sensitive” subject. We now have children and that would make it that much more difficult to make them understand. I also feel that all this secrecy and sensitivity surrounding people’s feeling welcome to ask and talk about it makes adoption feel something other than AMAZING!!! IT Should be talked about and celebrated and told to everyone…..then maybe more ppl would choose this option instead of abortion. Maybe if there wasn’t this shush stigma it would seem more acceptable?? My husband being adopted is the only reason I met him and have his four beautiful babies and this beautiful life….I’m thankful daily for his birth moms choice to give him up and his mom and dads choice to become his parents! That’s something to shout about and hope and pray more ppl choose to do (weather they are the birth parent or mom and dad) so that more ppl like me can be blessed by their choices!!

  3. I hope you guys can read through the typos….my phone doesn’t have even the most commonly used words in its vocabulary and changes them often! No edit button so you will have to do your best! Lol

  4. My husband is adopted and none of these things applied to how his parents felt or expected others to handle things, AT ALL. They were incredibly open about Chris being adopted, my husband was eventually told who his biological mom was and was ecstatic even more so that he was adopted ? by his wonderful parents. We refer to his parents as….well his parents…..and to his birth mom as his biological mom. So for us the term “biological” is used much like the term “adopted” seems to be used for alot of others. To us his mom and dad are simply his parents…..there is no other identifying factor…..we specify his birth mom to make it abundantly clear she is just his birth mom and that doesn’t make anyone other than maybe her feel that his family came to be any less authentically than any other. My mother in law is incredibly open about her fertility issues, her adopting my husband, etc and I’m so thankful that it hasn’t been this “secret” or incredibly “sensitive” subject. We now have children and that would make it that much more difficult to make them understand. I also feel that all this secrecy and sensitivity to avoid people feeling welcome to ask and talk about it makes adoption feel something other than AMAZING!!! IT Should be talked about and celebrated and told to everyone…..then maybe more ppl would choose this option instead of abortion. Maybe if there wasn’t this shush stigma it would seem more acceptable?? My husband being adopted is the only reason I met him and have his four beautiful babies and this beautiful life….I’m thankful daily for his birth moms choice to give him up and his mom and dads choice to become his parents! That’s something to shout about and hope and pray more ppl choose to do (weather they are the birth parent or mom and dad) so that more ppl like me can be blessed by their choices

  5. Couples who cannot become parents biologically can become parents, though, through the process of adoption. That’s why I find this to be the most inappropriate thin to say to adoptive parents: You should be glad you don’t have to go through labor.

    You’ve got to be kidding me! The vast majority of adoptive parents have spent years hoping and praying they would have the experience of labor and childbirth. Believe me when I say they aren’t glad they can’t (compared to not having to) go through it.

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