After I had kids, I found it difficult to get in the mood or want anything to do with sex. Prior to having kids, my husband and I had a great sex life. Once or twice a week was great for us. Lots of flirting and lots of communication about what each other wanted in sex. All great things.
But once I had kids, I just wasn’t myself. The thing is I WANTED to be in the mood but the thought of being touched and everything that went along with it, I just didn’t want to do. Like a lot of moms, I was exhausted. I knew down deep this wasn’t all that uncommon. But I didn’t want to give in and let it be. I wanted to fix it. I wanted to feel a little more like myself and get my mood back. I foremost wanted it for myself, and I wanted it for my marriage. So I started reading and one small thing caught my attention and I set out to try it.
A scheduled sex night.
I realize it sounds very unromantic, but before you shoot the idea down, hear me out. Before I thought this would work, I had really dug down deep and figured out what was putting me out of the mood. We were fighting, or bickering I should say, over sex. Every time my husband tried to initiate sex, I would say no. But, I felt like he was trying every single day, and it felt frustrating. But, he tried every day because to him it felt like I was always saying no. But what was happening was that I felt like I never had the opportunity to breathe without him looking for some time with me so I kept pushing away even more. Also, I felt like I wasn’t getting the chance to go after him. If I just flirted with him, he automatically thought it was sexy time that night. Sometimes I just wanted to flirt and that was it. So, when I would flirt, but wasn’t fully in the mood for sex later that night and then said no later when he would initiate, his feelings were hurt.
We were going around and around the same circle every week and getting nowhere. Then we’d just give in and have make-up sex until the cycle started all over again.
What I realized for myself and for us was that he wanted time with me, and I wanted time with him too. But, I also wanted the flexibility to say no, without feeling bad and I wanted the flirtatious nature we had before we had kids.
So I suggested we had a scheduled sex night once a week. I thought Thursday night would work for us. At first, he thought it was a terrible idea and very unromantic. I asked him to hear me out and to give it a try. If it didn’t work, we could scratch the idea and try something else. The rules were I could flirt with him, but there was no expectation of sex later that night unless it was a Thursday. Or if I said no any other night of the week, he couldn’t be upset because there was an agreement for our Thursday nights.
We did this for several months and it helped us really get into a new sex routine as we navigated our new season of life together with kids. I was to flirt and tease and send sexy text messages during the week that in turn were building up to something we were both excited about. There were no more letdowns or saying no other times during the week because we knew what was planned for the week ahead.
If you are struggling like I was, I encourage you to give it a try. It got really fun for us and we couldn’t wait to get the kids in bed on Thursdays for our one on one time.