“But He Looks Normal” :: Words That Hurt a Special Needs Mom

“But He Looks Normal” :: Words That Hurt a Special Needs Mom

By now, if you have followed my son’s story, you know that Brady, my 14-year-old was born with a micro-chromosome deletion and later diagnosed with Level 1 Autism and severe ADHD. Over the years, people have said things to me, unintentionally that ultimately hurt my heart.

One phrase that someone has said to me is, “But he looks normal.” First off, what does normal even look like? My son is a handsome 14-year-old boy with dark hair, dark eyes, and is tall and thin. Is that what normal looks like? Or is it just because he is not in a wheelchair or has facial features of a person with disabilities?

I do understand what people mean to an extent; Brady does not appear to have any physical disabilities. Mentally, socially, and educationally though, he is disabled.

Every year, when the school or SPED department goes over his IEP, my heart is crushed hearing Brady’s inability to perform at the normal grade level. This is Brady’s disability. He sits alone at lunch because of his social anxiety, and he feels self-conscious about his reading skills and often calls himself stupid because he is aware of his educational disabilities.

“He doesn’t look like anything is wrong with him.”

I can remember exactly where I was when this statement was said to me, how I felt, and the amount of tears that I shed for the entire ride home. I have never thought that anything was wrong with my child once in my life. My son is perfect. Does he have all A’s and perform at a mastery level at school? No, he does not. Brady is far below grade level. He attends school at St. Therese Academy, a school for exceptional learners. The school is geared toward students that need have exceptional needs and/or learning differences. But no, there is absolutely nothing wrong with him.

People have said things to me unaware of the harm that it has caused. I, too, have been guilty of saying things that I may not understand that hurt. We all must learn and grow in our experiences.

While Brady lacks educational skills, he has an abundance of kindness and thoughtfulness. Brady is such a loving child and that is more than I could ever ask for in a son. Brady is so much more than Autistic; he is an excellent swimmer, a wonderful pianist, loves to volunteer, loves his family, and more than anything, he is perfect in his own way.

April is Autism Awareness month. A month that we observe to raise awareness about Autism (ASD). I encourage everyone to learn about the challenges that people with ASD experience daily.