When I seem frustrated with you and short with you, it is hardly ever about YOU. It is about me, and this age and stage we are in.
When I am completely spent at the end of the day, and I don’t have it in me to give you the attention you deserve, it is not because I’m mad at you. I am giving of myself all day, every day, and by 6:30, I sometimes have nothing left to give.
When I am too tired to talk or connect with you once the kids are finally asleep, it is not because I’m mad at you. By the time the end of the night rolls around, I am either having to catch up on work because of deadlines or I am incapable of doing anything aside from spacing out to How I Met Your Mother reruns on Netflix.
When I complain about something seemingly insignificant that you did or didn’t do, it is not because I’m mad at you. It is because sometimes those things which seem trivial can quickly make a productive day go off the rails.
When you catch me crying, it is not because I am mad at you. I hold it together all day, but sometimes I need a release. I need to let go of all the emotions that build up. They build up when the kids are disrespectful, when I read yet another tragic story online, when I feel the weight of motherhood.
When I am zoned out on my phone chatting with friends, it is not because I am mad at you. I am not purposefully ignoring you. I am simply connecting with people who will love me and get it, judgment free, and maybe even make me feel like a less crazy version of myself.
When I send you a scathing text about one or more of your children driving me to my breaking point, it is not because I am mad at you. It is because I do not want to lose it and yell at them, again. I have to put that anger and frustration somewhere. Since you helped create the kids, you are the only one who will understand and not call CPS on me.
For all the times you think I’m upset with you, for all the times I am short with you and do not meet your needs, I am sorry. I promise I am doing the absolute best I can with what I have. I am hopeful that one day, when the kids are in school and we aren’t so deep in the trenches, I will begin to resemble the more carefree person you married. Until then, please remember, I am not mad at you.