When I took a photo of my adorable little bug on her first day back at school, I watched as she tried to smile through the harsh morning sunlight. I thought to myself that this may be the perfect metaphor for how I’m feeling today.
She officially went back to school. I’m officially making lunches and checking folders again, hustling to make sure we always have a clean uniform. It’s all I’ve ever dreamed of in these last tiring months. Now that it is here, I’m terrified.
I cannot decide if I am more afraid that school will shut back down, or terrified that it won’t. Emma thrives on socialization, being near and with other children. She suffered immensely while at home with her boring ole’ mama and baby sister. So this is great, right? This is a great step in the right direction.
So why do I feel like I am squinting while staring into the sun, trying desperately to see what is right in front of me. It’s sunny, so that’s good…I guess. I can’t see clearly though, I don’t know what will happen. I don’t like the “not knowing”, the gray area, the waiting.
The waiting for school to begin was long and hard, but I was always hopeful it would come. It has finally come and I feel like I can barely breathe through it. I believe it’s OK to feel that way for now, to not know, to actually, really and truly, sit in the moment. This will be excruciatingly hard for me and for my planning, organizing, fixed nature.
I’m going to focus on that beautiful smile and goodbye wave at carpool drop-off, making sure there are gummies in the lunchbox and embrace that awful morning hustle out the door. I’m going to enjoy every crazy moment, even if I cannot plan for the next. We are not back to the beginning, right? We are somewhere in between and I don’t have a choice, that has to be ok, for now.