Sometime in the next 9 weeks, I am going to have another baby. Even though it’s only been 2 years since I had Fern, it might as well be a lifetime. Yes, all of the baby gear has changed, and now there are all sorts of shiny new strollers and car seats. But I am mainly talking about the hospital experience and what I am supposed to expect.
When I had my first, I was just so happy she was here that I didn’t want her to leave my sight. Fast forward 2 years, and #2 came. The hospital had a nursery where I asked that she go so I could get a few hours of sleep. The nurse was not the nicest and very reluctant to adhere to my wishes, almost shaming me for not wanting my baby with me 24/7. Apparently, bonding and helicopter parenting has to start immediately, or it doesn’t count.
Now, with baby #3 coming very soon, I find myself in an odd situation. I recently found out that the hospital I’ve been going to no longer staffs a baby nursery. They say this is part of the hospital being designated “baby friendly.”
But here is my question … what about me?
When I asked my doctor about this, she laughed and said most first time moms love the idea of the baby being in the room with them at all times. She then went on to say, though, that by the time you have a second or third, the idea of rooming in loses its luster. I know for me, rooming in is not ideal. With my second, my husband was there for the birth and after, but then when dinner time rolled around and my adrenaline wore off, he had left to go home to care for my other child. The same will happen this time. That is just life with more than one kid.
But it was night time when the true exhaustion kicked in, and I felt like I had nothing left to give. I had been in labor since about 2:00am the previous night. I’m pretty sure I had barely slept for the week leading up to having the baby. And now here I was, ready to collapse but having to care for a screaming newborn who just wanted to be held. So I held her and nursed her. But I ended up falling asleep with her in my arms. When I think back to that time, it frightens me.
- The baby could have fallen out of my arms.
- She could have been smothered by the bedding.
- She could have stopped breathing while I fell asleep, and I would not have known.
Apparently my thinking isn’t way off because I recently read a study that examined infant deaths during the years of 1999-2013 in “baby friendly” hospitals across the United States. There were 18 cases of death or near death due to bed-sharing at the hospital. New mothers are exhausted. You just brought forth human life! New mothers are also usually sore due to having pushed out a baby or having a c-section. Yet, instead of letting us have a break for even a few hours, we are now forced – or “strongly encouraged” – to have to jump into the game immediately. It’s breastfeed as soon as the baby comes out. If you don’t have skin-to-skin contact, you won’t bond with your baby. Why not give mothers a break for the precious few hours they have in the hospital, with a trained staff around to care for their newborn?
There is a lifetime to deal with the judgmental looks and comments. Why does it have to start the second the baby is born?
The baby friendly initiative was started by the World Health Organization to promote higher rates of breastfeeding. That’s great, but not every mom wants to breastfeed. And not every mom gets the hang of breastfeeding right away. Even those who plan on breastfeeding are feeling unneeded and unwanted pressure. It seems that in their campaign to push breastfeeding, hospitals have forgotten all about the mother. It’s an extreme focus on the baby and baby only. And here is what really boggles my mind … the World Health Organization makes guidelines and recommendations based on the world, including many 3rd world countries where there is a lack of clean water and other resources we take for granted. Of course, breast would be best in those areas. But last I checked, the United States is not the 3rd world. We have access to FABULOUS medical facilities and other resources such as nurseries. Would it really be such a bad thing to use them for the first 24-48 hours after life? I think not.
Oh.my.gosh. Slow clap. Someone finally said it!!! I had my babies 4 1/2 years ago & thankfully they still had a nursery. Now they don’t. I am done childbearing but I cannot even imagine not having that resource. Mainly because I had an experience much like yours. I had a c-section late at night, hadn’t eaten in hours and hours, horrible reaction to the pain meds and anesthesia, throwing up everywhere, and super groggy from the “relaxation meds” they had given me when I had a panic attack on the table since my babies were whisked away from me to the NICU. At any rate, when my son finally came to our room, the nurse insisted on showing us how to bathe him, even though it was almost midnight and I couldn’t see straight. Then she handed him to me on my tiny bed, my legs still paralyzed from the spinal. The next thing I knew, I had virtually passed out dead asleep and my little boy almost fell out of my arms. If the nurse hadn’t turned around at just the right moment, who knows what would have happened. So, so dangerous and so much pressure to put on a momma who has just been through the birthing process. Bonding will happen – it just doesn’t have to be forced on us. Bring back the nurseries!
Agree with you completely!
Please keep in mind the nurse may (and probably is) just be doing what was required by the hospital. Believe me, many nurses are not happy about these changes either!
I have enjoyed reading your blogs, however, this one has by far been the most selfish blog I have ever read. This is not what I was expecting and I am without words to describe how insulted I feel.
The medical staff at the hospital is to make sure that you and your child are safe during delivery and to monitor your medical issues for 48 hours. You choose to get pregnant, you choose to keep your child, and you choose to become a mother and that starts the moment you get pregnant. You want a break, then hire a nanny but you become responsible the moment that baby comes in the world. I understand you are tired, and drained but as a mother you have to suck up your own issues and take care of your child.
I am sorry if this offends you. But as an OB nurse and someone pregnant I could not have read something more insulting.
Also Woman’s hospital does have a nursery for people to send their babies to on all patient floors. They are just smaller now.
How is she selfish? Her bullet points outline her concern for the baby’s safety. I’d love to know where you are an OB nurse so I can stay away from that hospital. Perhaps your perspective will change once you deliver instead of judging those who actually have.
Having delivered 3 babies, I am struggling to see what is insulting about the above post. If the medical staff’s job is to make sure that the mother and baby are safe, doesn’t that extend to the evening? I have a friend whose baby fell out of the hospital bed and onto the cold linoleum because bonding post delivery had been encouraged and the mom was exhausted. CT scans and 50 exams later, thankfully the baby is okay, but I really fail to see how that alternative is safe, medically or otherwise. I don’t think Megan is suggesting it is the hosptal’s job to take care of her baby. Rather, she’s suggesting that we collectively form more of a village, so to speak, around brand new moms … starting IN the birthing center / hospital. Our culture already expects moms to do so much alone, which creates a lot of unnecessary pressure and likely postpartum issues.
I agree with your response but when you get home you will have the same issue,however, no one will be there to help you when you are exhausted. And some point good judgment and a solid support system is what you must form before delivery.
New mom exhaustion at home is drastically different than your exhaustion in the hospital. Especially considering that you have most likely been under heavy narcotic medications just hours, or even mere minutes before. That’s where it gets dangerous. And I had a support system – my husband was in the room as was a nurse who insisted on teaching me to bathe a baby when I couldn’t even feel my legs yet. I don’t blame the nurse. However, I don’t think I had any business with the baby in my bed at 1am after a terrifying and exhausting day.
I am with you, Meagan. The 24-48 hours immediately post baby are pretty different than 1-2 weeks postpartum. Ironically the medical staff at the hospital also interrupts you about 65 times a day with temp checks and more, so it’s also true that moms are not really provided the optimal environment in which to rest during that period.
I’m not saying that I expect to be waited on hand and foot but I do expect some compassion and attention to the fact that I just pushed out a baby. As I said, there is a lifetime of judgement that lies ahead and your comment proves my point that these types of judgement cannot even wait until my baby is here. You know nothing about my family situation besides what I post on here. What if I told you I cannot afford a nanny or private nurse? What if I told you that my family happens to live over 1,000 miles away and my husband’s family lives 300 miles away? What if I told you that yes, I have a plan for my kids if I go into labor when our family isn’t here but that doesn’t include sleeping over or taking them back and forth to school? What if I told you that my kids crave consistency and that having someone else do morning/bedtime routines throws them off completely not to mention the fact that bringing home a new baby is going to rock their world and I’d like to keep their lives as orderly as possible for as long as possible? I really do hope that you keep an open mind after having a baby and maybe take a kinder approach to the postpartum period. Having a new baby is hard, whether you’ve done it once or five times. Its possible that the patients you see are just putting on a brave face because they don’t know what else to do and feel that they don’t have a choice.
I am not saying by any means that every situation is not different and needs a different approach. But when I read your blog I got the impressive that this was an inconvienvce for you to keep your own child bc you needed sleep and a little break.
When you go home you are waking up every 3 hours to feed you child… Regardless if you are doing it by yourself are not you are not sleep and you should. You will still be sleep deprived and tired and wanting a break.
More infants are killed at home in beds then in a hospital in a bed. So more accidents do happen at home. And it is up to you to make it work. Maybe my outlook on life will change when I deliver, I hope it does. However, I don’t think that will change the fact that I still have multiple obligations that will not change and that I will still have to do on a daily basis regardless of how tired I am.
I understand most people can not afford a nanny nor private nurse but I do not personally know 1 mother that is complaining about taking care of a miracle that they just delivered. Baby are special, a miracle, and regardless if this is your first or your fifth they should be treated as such. You just had a child and you should want to have your baby at your side. You should want to be there to experience every moment il even if this is not your first time changing a diaper or feeding a child. I will say a prayer that I can be more sympathetic bc I don’t understand and I hope I never do. I want the most out of every experience, not to just say I am tired. Bc you can sleep later you can’t get back those first 24 hours.
Hi Ashley, I am so glad you hope your outlook changes once you deliver. I hope so, too. I am a huge advocate for co-sleeping, breastfeeding, bonding, babywearing, etc. And I do not think this option should be taken away from women, but if it is, TONS of other changes need to go along with it. My labor with my second child began at 9pm. He was born at 9am. I was awake for over 24 hours at that point, and we had a second child at home. I NEEDED rest in order to be able to safely care for and bond with my child. And comparatively speaking, my labor/delivery was easy. Of course I wanted my baby by my side. I planned him, prepared for him, and birthed him, but I did not become superwoman who was able to sustain herself on no sleep, no food, and a night of labor/delivery. I trust that Megan and those who agree with her are not selfish mothers who do not wish to bond with their children. In fact, I would argue they are quite the opposite- they know their limits and they know when they need help. If they need help keeping their brand new babies safe, and if that help comes in the form of much needed rest, then the hospital should provide that- the same hospital that doesn’t provide a full size bed, a cosleeper or a comfortable place for your partner/spouse to sleep, should at the very least provide a nursery! And to your point regarding more infant deaths occurring at home- well, you are at home with your child a lot longer than you are in the hospital. Statistically, the two are not comparable. Congratulations on your pregnancy; please check back with us after your delivery! Best wishes to you with everything and I hope you still use this blog as a resource.
Thanks you. Good luck Megan and I will say a prayer that The Lord blessed your family, and helps you and your spouse through this major change. I do wish you nothing but the best.
It seems you have found a few people who agree with you Megan. I however, could not disagree more!!! I’m sad that you and a few others that posted say they kept the first baby in the room and didn’t want to part with them, but happily send away the second and third babies. They are individual babies and just because you have done this before, it’s their first time being born and they crave to be with their mom!
It is human nature…. Babies need/want to be with their moms…ESPECIALLY the first 24-48hours after birth. They have been inside of you for 9 months! You are all they know and you make them feel safe. You may have the misconception that they peacefully sleep being cradled by nurses and lulled by soft music in the nursery while you recover. That is so wrong…. They are bombarded with bright lights, noises, other babies screaming and your newborn will lay there screaming crying too. Eventually, they give up and shut down and sleep. Not peacefully feeling safe and loved like they want.
Hospitals do things differently now because they have studied and learned what is best for baby!
There are ways rooming in can be done safely and when you feel like you can’t do it safely, hospitals have policies in place to help.
Ashely, I think you are spot on! Please don’t listen to the negative people commenting. You are right, they are all special and deserve to be with their moms. Good luck with your baby.
Clearly you’ve never given birth. I have three times and I am telling you right now that you need rest after giving birth and it has nothing to do with not wanting to “bond”. I gave birth overnight twice and it’s exhausting and dangerous to go that long without sleep. Good luck.
I have to agree with Ashley. I find the original posts conclusions inaccurate. Yes you may have some legitimate points, but there are also many misleading points. I am also a nurse, but on a postpartum area (and I’ve had two babies at home so no nursery option there). I do think moms may be exhausted and even more likely to be sedated with the high rates of drugs used at our hospital on L&D — but I disagree with the original blog that the answer is a nursery. There are other options to be explored and Sweeden provides an excellent example of that with their very high rate of baby friendly hospitals. There they have a large bed for the family to all sleep together after delivery and moms stay for 5 days in a supported environment so there is no rush to bath your baby in the first few hours after arriving. You can rest and really get the help you need for Breastfeeding to get off to a good start. You are taught about and encouraged to practise safe bed sharing. It’s really successful too! Their breastfeeding rates are amazing and those rates relate to long term health — therefore a hospital and staff who are protecting breastfeeding are caring for not only your short term safety but your long term health -something that really needs to be embraced in North America where we set people up for lifelong health problems in the name of short term selfishness (sorry but it is selfish to sacrifice a child’s long term health for a longer stretch of sleep, etc). The baby friendly designation is to help breastfeeding succeed because it often does not with current routine hospital procedures. Many procedures sabotage mothers Breastfeeding, especially separation. Babies have clearly spoken they need their moms. You’ve been connected for 10 months and they do not understand anything but being with their mother. It’s stressful to the baby and many mothers find it stressful too. I also wanted to mention it IS mom friendly to encourage breastfeeding as it can make mothering easier, lower your cancer rate (among other life long health benefits). Lastly, the principles of baby friendly are not just for 3rd world counties, that is always something that when it’s said makes me wonder if there is an underlying motive to smear breastfeeding. It’s a total myth that only areas without clean water should breastfeed. It’s something formula companies want you to believe because they want you to see formula as equal to breastmilk. Short answer to that: It’s not.
How is it selfish to have help when you are sick and recovering. You are most likely one of those women who helicopter parent and put your marriage on the back burner while your child is growing and then wonder why your kids hate you and your marriage fails… See I can make harsh Judgments based in little to no facts as well…
Honestly though not listening to a mother who has just given birth doesn’t help the situation whatsoever this blog is hardly “insulting” as mothers we should have rights too, the pain/lack of sleep and forced breastfeeding and wake ups from pushy nurses is not a good mix for new mums it’s overwhelming when you haven’t had an ounce of sleep and the nurses whom couldn’t care less about the 3 day labour I had endured on top of the pain from being forced to stand up after an epidural and collapsing and the eye rolling I received when I asked for a hand out of bed because It took me 10 minutes to get up and move to the other side where my baby was ruined my experience. Also the refusal to hear my voice when I said I don’t want to breastfeed because they’d grabbed my boobs and squeezed the hell out of them but hey lets not prevent post natal depression which can actually cause worse problems . Seriously hospitals need to be mummy friendly too not everyone wants to boobfeed and that should be ok also having a couple hours sleep should be ok too, it’s people like you who make it harder for mums to have a voice and hey we freaking deserve that little time bit of recovery before going home and listening to everyone else’s unwanted advice
Thank you for writing this post! This is so true and so scary at the same time! I am very thankful to have had my children at a hospital with a nursery and with nurses that were more than happy to bring the baby to the nursery and let me rest. Although I am a believer in the importance of breastfeeding, I also believe that it’s not for everyone in every situation. At what point does breastfeeding become so important that it’s more important than your baby’s safety?
Well said! With my first I sent him to the nursery to rest and definitely received judgement along with a snide comment. I wanted to fire back with something along the line of I’m sure my insurance compbahy will compensate all too well for your job but I just didn’t have it in me at the time. I will undoubtly love my child and want what best for them and that includes having a mom who is as rested as she can be within hours of giving birth!
THANK YOU!! By the time i had my first hospitals did not have nursery facilities. The nurse did take the baby for a few hours to let my husband and myself rest but with my second the baby had to stay wtih me while my husband went home to take care of our 2 year old. When i fell asleep with the baby in bed with me a nurse came in a yelled at me for it. I told her that i had asked the desk to send someone to help me since i was still imobile from the csection, i could not reach to put her in her little bed. I also complained to the Dr and he said taking the nursery out of the hospitals was the wrong move. When i have my next this spring It will be the same. Csection then my husband will go home to be with the kids. One nurse told me it was my job to find someone to watch our older kids or find someone to be with me in the hospital. I dont need a baby sitter but some help from the STAFF getting PAID to take care of me would be nice
What a great opinion piece. Once again a vocal few are pushing opinions of care on the masses. One of the unmentioned points thus far is that Baby Friendly is being supported by the US Healthcare system and is being pushed by the Joint Commission. The data underlying the benefits of breastfeeding are hard to argue with however the hospitals are not putting up a fight as not staffing a nursery/purchasing formula just also happens to help the bottom line. I’m afraid it is going to take a monumental case where a baby is injured in someone who has some clought to turn the tide. To expect a sleep deprived, medicated, exhausted mother to make clear decision about caring for her baby just seems illogical. I believe in the option of keeping your baby in the room if you desire but don’t force it upon mothers under the guise of poor parenting so you can meet some arbitrary standard made by the WHO.
Actually that is not true that baby friendly helps a hospitals bottom line as they usually receive heaps of formula (and even more like equipment and supplies) for free. When you’re designated baby friendly you have to purchase it, hospitals do not want to do that and it truly keeps many of them from seeking the designation. That is the current state of my hospital.
Great post!
One of the silver linings of having NICU babies…I got time to recover. I do not envy moms not getting one last of sleep after pregnancy and before bringing a newborn home.
Megan, I could not agree with you more! I am delivering at the same hospital as you with out they nursery for a scheduled section with a kiddo at home. I think having a nursery is a necessity and I wish I would have known about the elimination of the nursery at the hospital prior to now. My doc agrees that mom needs to recover in the hospital just as much as baby needs to be bonded with. I think there is a big breakdown between OB and Peds on this topic. No it is not the nurses’ job to babysit but it is her job to care for a newborn when you have a mom recovering and the need for sleep is there.
I commend you for writing this piece. I delivered on 10/15 via scheduled csection at 8:00 AM. Following the csection. My husband fell ill and had to leave me and the baby. When the nurse realized that he was gone, she immediately asked me who was going to stay with me. I informed her that we had another child at home and that he would just stay home and care for her and I would simply be sleeping and send the baby to the nursery. She informed me that there was no nursery, I was completely surprised. She informed me that this is what the patients wanted and they voted to have the hospital drop the nursery services so that all babies would remain with their mothers. I am unsure who actually voted for this, however, this required a full replanning of our entire situation as my mother is deceased and my support system is full of working family and friends that aren’t available at a moments notice. I could not move out of my bed with a baby in my room due to the incision; the nurse eventually helped me up and got me moving at about 10:00 that evening. Once I realized that I was doing the same thing at the hospital that I would be required to do at home, I choose to request discharge two days after my c section rather than staying the usual four days post-op; the hospital was actually more aggravation than it was worth without the nursery services so that I could rest and get myself in a condition to properly care for my newborn. I am not selfish nor am I lazy, I simply would rather not have my insurance pay for services that I can handle myself at home as I feel like I am fully capable of administering Tylenol to myself well as watching my and my newborns intakes and outputs without having to report them six times a day. Once again, thank you – hopefully this will change for those that will birth at these “baby first” facilities and wish to have nursery services.
What hospital are you referring to?
So glad I am not the only person who thinks it absolutely absurd that this industrialized nation follows the guidelines of a third world country health organization. And FYI, hospitals are following the Baby Friendly guidelines because they are being given huge “grants” to drink the kool-aid and follow suit. If it were just about Breastfeeding, they wouldn’t provide formula and the government would stop sending out checks for it.
Many physicians I work with tell their patients to insist on sending the baby to the Nursery (we still have a small space that is minimally staffed) and complain if they won’t take the baby when they feel they need the baby to be taken care of. Hate to say it, but hospital funding is going towards Pay for Performance…if your patients don’t like their care, and your nurse didn’t finish filling out all the trillion check boxes on your chart, the hospital won’t get reimbursed.
So-if you are lucky enough to have someone stay with you, Bravo! And if you are a tax-paying, voting, hard-working family, you know what to do. Then go talk to your doctor and make sure they insist on having you taken care of so that you can rest when you need to. As for the respondent who said she “chose to keep her baby with her all the time when she chose to have a baby”, that’s nice for you and your past experience, but let me give you a newsflash: WOMEN LOSE A LOT OF BLOOD SOMETIMES and need a nursery. Those “babysitters” someone referred to are hard working RN’s who rarely get to eat, drink, or pee during their shifts that last longer than the reported 12 hour time frame.
I’ve seen babies fall and get injured, I’ve seen moms on the edge after two days of sleepless stupor, and I’ve seen exhaustion make her give up any hope of being able to take care of herself or her new baby-let alone the rest of the family after her short stay at the hospital with less than adequate meal service and constant interruptions. Even worse if it is a teaching facility.
I don’t think hospitals should be the equivalent of a day spa or mommy day care, but they should be run as they were intended-to take care of people for issues that cannot be treated at home by skilled and compassionate staff whose main concern is the patients’ well being and safe delivery of competent care.