I’m not proud to admit that I have pregnancy envy. I know you may be thinking, why would I be envious while I have 2 children? Well the truth is, it’s hard for me to not feel a twinge of envy when I see Facebook pregnancy announcements or belly pictures and attend baby showers.
I’m not only a mother who has had multiple losses, but I’m also a micropreemie mom who had a lengthy NICU stay. It seems like every time I log onto Facebook I see posts about pregnancy. Just from the posts I see, it looks like their pregnancy is a cake walk. While it may not be the truth, it’s what I see. So when I’m scrolling down and see posts of how someone is wishing her baby would come early because she is tired of being pregnant, my eyes flash green with envy.
After going through two high risk pregnancies, I get jealous of those who have had an easy time. While it may be exhausting and tiring being 30+ weeks pregnant in the August heat, I never got to experience that. I’ve never made it that far in a pregnancy. I never had the innocent pregnancy bliss. I was always wishing, hoping and praying to hold on to a pregnancy for 40 weeks.
I don’t want to feel these emotions. I’m embarrassed that a wave of sadness comes over me when I’m out and about shopping and see a full pregnant belly. While I have no desire to be pregnant right now, it’s just a feeling that I can’t seem to shake. Instead of getting upset at myself about this, I’ve learned to accept it for what it is.
Everyone has experienced jealousy about what someone else has. While I would desperately love to be able to have an easy and carefree pregnancy for myself, it doesn’t look like that’s in the cards for me. It was very trying to get pregnant the second time, and my body doesn’t do well with pregnancy it seems. I’ve always wanted to be pregnant and a mother, and I’m beyond lucky that I’ve been able to fulfill that dream even though it wasn’t the easiest journey.
While my pregnancy envy has seemed to subside over the years, I still get a feeling of jealousy every now and then. I’ve learned to just accept it and have chosen to deal with it.
Thanks for writing this. I know we are in two different situations, but I do sometimes feel jealous that I couldn’t be excited about my pregnancy. My husband and I are both carriers of different Cystic Fibrosis markers. We didn’t know of this till I was already pregnant and they started finding things early on in ultrasounds. It instilled fear in us and it made me keep my pregnancy off of Facebook. I felt like I couldn’t get excited because I could be carrying a sick baby and I didn’t want to pretend to be excited when I was really scared to death. I know some would say, “well, at least you can get pregnant”, and I understand that side, but you don’t understand the fear and stress that some women endure through high risk or pregnancies that are filled with health concerns.
It’s so easy to look at other people’s lives (especially on Facebook) and think they have it better than us. I would appear to everyone as having it all together with a picture perfect pregnancy. However, I’ve had plenty of difficulties over the last few months, most of which only a few close friends and my therapist know about. I have to remind myself not to look at other pregnant women on Facebook and envy their seemingly flawless life. No one’s pregnancy is the cake walk it seems on the outside.
I know exactly how you feel. I have one health child and have had two miscarriages back to back. In June I had my second miscarriage. A week after I found out a friend was expecting but it was not her husbands baby. I was so hurt. As a christian, I kept asking why her and not me? Why someone who has a very bad history and was unfaithful gets to have a baby but mine keep being taken away. I tried to change my own opinion, thinking things like..It will happen in gods time, there is a reason for this, maybe I’m just ment to be a mother of one. For me over time it helped. I let go of the bitter and just excepted that god has a plan for me. I am so blessed to have a beautiful daughter while others will never even get that chance. Do I sometimes still feel that bitterness? Yes, often. I’m not perfect but I really try my hardest to remember how blessed I truly am.