I’m not proud to admit that I have pregnancy envy. I know you may be thinking, why would I be envious while I have 2 children? Well the truth is, it’s hard for me to not feel a twinge of envy when I see Facebook pregnancy announcements or belly pictures and attend baby showers.
I’m not only a mother who has had multiple losses, but I’m also a micropreemie mom who had a lengthy NICU stay. It seems like every time I log onto Facebook I see posts about pregnancy. Just from the posts I see, it looks like their pregnancy is a cake walk. While it may not be the truth, it’s what I see. So when I’m scrolling down and see posts of how someone is wishing her baby would come early because she is tired of being pregnant, my eyes flash green with envy.
After going through two high risk pregnancies, I get jealous of those who have had an easy time. While it may be exhausting and tiring being 30+ weeks pregnant in the August heat, I never got to experience that. I’ve never made it that far in a pregnancy. I never had the innocent pregnancy bliss. I was always wishing, hoping and praying to hold on to a pregnancy for 40 weeks.
I don’t want to feel these emotions. I’m embarrassed that a wave of sadness comes over me when I’m out and about shopping and see a full pregnant belly. While I have no desire to be pregnant right now, it’s just a feeling that I can’t seem to shake. Instead of getting upset at myself about this, I’ve learned to accept it for what it is.
Everyone has experienced jealousy about what someone else has. While I would desperately love to be able to have an easy and carefree pregnancy for myself, it doesn’t look like that’s in the cards for me. It was very trying to get pregnant the second time, and my body doesn’t do well with pregnancy it seems. I’ve always wanted to be pregnant and a mother, and I’m beyond lucky that I’ve been able to fulfill that dream even though it wasn’t the easiest journey.
While my pregnancy envy has seemed to subside over the years, I still get a feeling of jealousy every now and then. I’ve learned to just accept it and have chosen to deal with it.