It’s been over 5 years since we found out about you, and less than 5 years since you’ve been gone. For about 24 weeks, you got to know your sister. I think it’s because of you that she wanted another sister. When we found out that we were having twins, it was the most exciting news of our lives. We were so ready to be parents and did not foresee all the ups and downs parenthood holds. And although we knew early on that you had some medical problems, we never gave up hope that somehow the doctors might be wrong. In the end, they were right. There was nothing we could do, and you were gone before we knew it. I still remember waking up one morning (before I even found out that you left us) thinking that something was not right. I felt off. Call it mother’s intuition, but I just knew. We all ugly cried that day.
Time heals all wounds. We picked up the pieces and focused on the one little girl that was still growing inside of me. Your sister is definitely a feisty one, filled with attitude and style. While you were never forgotten, we learned how to shift our attention to what we had instead of what we did not. Truly, losing you brought us into the “adult world” where people lose babies and loved ones. You never think something like this could happen to you, until it does.
It’s funny because people get so excited over twins and wish they could have twins. There was a time when I felt the same way. But having been to the dark side, all I can think about when I hear someone is having multiples, is that I hope everything goes well. I hope they don’t have to go through what we did. I hope they realize that having more than one baby is considered high risk.
When you sister was born, we all breathed a sigh of relief. Our treacherous journey was behind us. People always worry about babies and all the harm that can come to them. But we felt nothing but peace. We knew that after all we went through, your sister would be fine. And she is. She is perfect. And you would have been too. But you had other plans, and that is all right.
Some days, I wonder if you were here, would we still have the same family? Would we still have baby Fern? Would I be expecting the unexpected: a baby boy? These questions are all bigger than me. I will never know the answers to the great “What if?” I feel guilty because I find myself thinking of you less and less. But I guess that is perfectly normal. It’s not that we’ve moved on, it’s that we have grieved and accepted your loss. I never got to know what you look like, and I never got to meet you. But I feel like you know us and have watched over us these past 5 years. One day, we will meet again.