Why I’m Ditching the Term “Gentle Parenting”
When I hear the words “gentle parenting,” I think of a parent like Aunt Petunia in Harry Potter who gives into her obnoxious son’s every demand. Instead, I’m choosing to use the term “informed parenting” because that’s exactly what I’m trying to practice as a mom of a three and six-year-old.
As an elementary educator for the past 16 years, I’ve taken my fair share of classes and professional development courses on best practices for nurturing social-emotional development in children. As a mom, I’ve read many books and articles about effective parenting strategies and sought advice from experts in the fields of early childhood education, speech therapy, and occupational therapy. As the term “gentle parenting” has spread like wildfire through the internet, I have noticed that the approach is appropriate, but the title is misleading.
Yes, many times, I am gentle as I parent my children. I try my best to guide them with compassion, but anyone who’s spent more than 10 minutes with a strong-willed child will tell you that they are not quick to follow directions. I try to be firm, yet flexible. Sometimes it seems that they are being defiant for no reason, but actually, they are communicating something. When they are refusing to put shoes on, and you need to leave the house in 5 minutes, what can we do!? If we get into the habit of yelling, this could be what our kids expect before complying. And if your toddler is anything like mine, they laugh when I’m angry – seriously!
As mentioned above, I like to be informed about my parenting choices. What are the parenting strategies that lead to healthy kids – physically and mentally. What can I do to help them develop strong emotional intelligence, respect boundaries, and build positive relationships with others? There’s a plethora of information out there, and it can be overwhelming. Below, I have listed some strategies that I have found to be helpful. Of course, every child is different, and it seems that just when I find an effective strategy, my child progresses in their development, and I’m looking for something new. My advice: find one or two that you think could be useful and try it out.
Co-regulation: Young children need assistance regulating their emotions. The next time your child has a big meltdown, try to connect before you redirect. It seems counterproductive, but try it out yourself. For example, if my child is extremely upset because it’s bath time, and they really don’t want to stop playing, validate their feelings and maybe offer a hug. Then give a choice that you approve. Like this, “I see that you’re feeling frustrated because you don’t want to stop playing.” Usually, this helps calm the child and once they’re calm try, “Would you like to have a bubble bath or choose a toy to bring in the bath?” The key to this strategy is that, just like us, kids have to feel calm before they can make good choices. They need to work through that feeling of frustration before moving on. Our job is to help them learn healthy and respectful ways to feel their feelings (easier said than done – I know). Click this link to learn more about co-regulation: Harvard Health
Taking a break: Don’t you just need a break sometimes? Children do, too! Try creating a break space in your home or simply have your child take a break in his/her room (if they’re old enough to be alone). You can provide calming tools like a stress ball, calm down bottle, special lovie, etc. If a child is not playing appropriately with the family, they may need some space. Sometimes, I go in with my child and help them get situated in the break space. Then, I give a time limit for how long they need to be there. Usually, they come back calmer and ready to play appropriately.
Provide Choices: Everyone likes choices, and kids like to be in charge. Try giving your child two choices that you approve of. For example, would you like to walk to your room or would you like me to carry you to your room for bedtime? If your child doesn’t respond, let them know that you will make the choice. If they think of another option, remind them that it’s not a choice right now and present the two choices again. I have found that if you practice this consistently, it works!
Teach About Their Brain/Emotions: Preschoolers and elementary-aged kids can learn to name emotions, explore how they come and go, and begin to understand how our brains function when they experience different feelings. Check out this video: The Hand Model of the Brain (flipping your lid)
Some good books: The Color Monster, A Little Spot of Feelings and more
Turn Towards: Many times, a child is acting out because they feel disconnected. Try making special time for each child. It doesn’t have to be a long period of time, but you do have to give them your undivided attention. The next time your child asks you to draw, play, or read with them, if at all possible, do it. I know that we can’t always drop what we’re doing and be with our kids, but the more times we can be there when they ask for us, the more connected they will feel. You can even say, “I’m busy right now, but I will be with you after I finish the laundry.” When kids feel connected, they feel loved, and when they feel loved, they are more likely to comply with our directions.
To conclude, being informed on effective and compassionate parenting strategies has helped me become a more confident mother. I don’t need to be “gentle” with every redirection, but I do want to implement strategies that teach boundaries and nurture their emotional intelligence. Note that we all make mistakes and flip our lids. In addition to being compassionate with our kids, we have to be compassionate with ourselves. We must take care of our own physical and mental health in order to practice informed parenting. This means that we may need to seek out our own professionals like counselors and doctors to advise us on strategies for our stress regulation. Above all, parenting is hard, and we’re not in this alone!
