My Friend Lost a Baby And I Have No Idea What to Say
“At least you know you can get pregnant.”
These were the well-meaning words that a friend said shortly after I lost my baby to a stillbirth.
I know she meant to offer a sliver of hope but in that moment, her words didn’t comfort me. They hurt.
If you’ve ever loved someone through the devastation of pregnancy or infant loss, you know this territory. You may say things that are intended to heal but instead leave a sting.
It’s driven from a place that means well. We do not sit well with grief. Our instinct is to fix, to solve, to find the silver lining. For my friend, it was the idea to offer hope. That I might have another chance to have a healthy baby.
But here’s the truth I’ve learned from both sides of this: you will probably not know what to say and you might say the wrong thing.
And here is another, more important truth: showing up imperfectly is better than not showing up at all. The silence that comes from a fear of saying the wrong thing can leave a heartbroken mother feeling alone.
Even now, having experienced loss, I still fail at this. When a friend is hurting, my instinct is to find a thread of hope. Instead, I invite you to do one thing first – take a breath and simply sit with her in the uncomfortable space of her grief.
Your presence, not your platitudes, is the greatest comfort you can offer. The goal isn’t to fix the unfixable. It’s to remind her that she is loved, her baby is remembered, and she is not alone.
