I miss my mom so much everyday but especially during the holidays. I miss her terribly. Her absence is deafening. Christmas, a holiday where family dives in togetherness, food, love, laughter, and memories. Add traditions to the mix, and it is a family reunion. I sit back and watch my children play with their cousins creating memories, but I am missing creating memories with my mom.
The tears run down my cheeks as I watch my favorite holiday movie. The matriarch of the family has a special relationship with each of her six kids and is very present in all of their lives. You see from the beginning of this post you may have assumed my mom was deceased. NO! She’s very much alive but not present. My mom was older when I was born so my siblings had a different mom growing up. I grew up with my nieces and nephews. I do not want money or a babysitter or a punching bag, but rather I need her presence.
I grew up watching her take care of my nieces and nephews while being present for Christenings, birthday parties, and sickness. I listen to my siblings reminisce on our mom’s traditions and recipes. I miss my mom being present in my life. I remember her combing my hair twice a day filled with requested bows by my dad. She cooked hot breakfast and sat the table occasionally. As a little girl, I remember sitting on the edge of the tub watching her pat foundation, line her lips with lip liner, and finish off with cherry jubilee on her lips. I watched her take care of a household while working and being a supportive wife. I wanted to be just like her.
I am older but still your baby. Everything seems to be a struggle when your presence is wanted, needed. I am a mother now longing for your support. Yes, I can call my sisters, but I want to call my mother. But you are not fully present. When I am losing at motherhood, I want to call you and cry. I need you to reassure me that life will get better. We do not live in the same area but live close enough to where I can feel her touch. I want her to be next to me, to comfort me. I watch my friends’ moms present in their families’ lives and some even retire to be a stay at home grandmother. Their moms never miss a program or a birthday. My mom and I have a complicated relationship, I know. She’s growing older and I am afraid of losing her forever in the flesh. I am afraid of my kids losing their Maw Maw. They long for her presence. I long for my kids to have a relationship with their Maw Maw before it’s too late.
I am frozen. I am hurt. I am broken. I am still. I am in therapy working on how to balance our dysfunctional relationship. I have come to terms that I have false expectations of her but hopeful her motherly intuition leads her back to me. I try to hide my disappointment, but it’s difficult. I want to carry on her traditions but need her to be present, especially in the kitchen. I want to ask her hows and whys while cooking. My mom is an amazing woman, but holidays without her presence do not get easier. I don’t know what the future looks like …