Mom, you may just want to stop here and come back in a couple of weeks for my next post. You have been warned.
Although I do not generally use others to gauge what is normal for my life, I have recently had discussions with other couples about the frequency of intimacy within their marriage. Their responses left me curious. The title is slightly misleading, as there is no real “normal” with anything parenting or marriage related. After all, we are all different and our marriages each unique. However, these conversations left me questioning whether my sex life is healthy.
How often is enough?
A wise woman once told me in my formative years that “sex is the glue that holds a marriage together.” That statement, made in passing, has really stuck with me. Now that I have been married for almost 6 years, I can say at times, it is 100% true. I personally believe that it is necessary and a must. The real question is, though, how often is enough? As I said before, I don’t typically look at other people’s lives to measure my own success but I needed to know if our sex life was average. Average, I am ok with; below average, I am not.
These past 9 months is the longest I have gone without either being pregnant or breastfeeding in 4 years. To say I am tapped-out, touched-out, etc. come 8:00pm is an understatement. I get ALL the physical contact from my loving two and four year old boys. I was quite comfortable with the amount of times we were intimate on a weekly basis but casual conversations with acquaintances made me rethink things. No, they didn’t have toddlers, but what if my excuse to my husband of “trust me, you are getting it as much as any other dad with toddlers,” simply was not true?! I didn’t want to point blank ask my friends how often they were getting frisky because at the end of the day, I did not care how many times so-and-so was getting it on. Instead, I just wanted to know what the average was for parents of young children. Sex is healthy and necessary for a marriage but how often is unique to each couple. As one mom said, “we were a couple before kids and we will be a couple after the kids leave.” I do not want to neglect my marriage while my children are young. So without further adieu, I have anonymously polled women who fit that description and this is what I learned:
92% have sex no more than 2 times in a one week period
In a one week period, 23% have sex 0 times, 54% have sex 1 time, 15% have sex 1-2 times, and only 8% have sex 3 times. 0% have sex more than 3 times in one week. So if you hit 3, you can reassure your loving partner that you’re doing great!
85% had sex more frequently before having children
No shock there, right? This is a revolutionary study, we know. Whereas post kids, the most times in a one week period was 3; prior to having children, some couples had sex as frequently as 5 times per week. Before becoming parents, 54% of couples were having sex 2-3 times per week and 15% had sex more than 3 times per week.
77% of the time it is the wife saying “no” to sex
Again, no real shock to me. Most women gave the reason that they are tired or tapped out as the excuse. Other reasons included different circadian rhythms, trouble switching from role of “mom” to “wife,” lack of time and weight gain.
I hope that you, like me, find comfort in these honest numbers. If you find yourself in the “less is more” or quality over quantity (read :: you are doing the deed once a week, twice if he’s lucky), then rest assured, you are not alone. Most moms stand in solidarity with you. If you are getting your freak on tri-weekly, rock on momma. Remind your husband he is a lucky man. There really is no such thing as “normal” because every marriage is different. If you are unsatisfied with your current sex life, here are some great tips on how to keep things interesting.
We just had a ❤️2❤️ about this last week. We’re of the “if it’s once a month that’s a major win” camp and while that was fine for a while it isn’t any more. Being stressed over bills and our babies makes it hard to communicate well, much less allow ourselves the release we both need. It distances us more as a couple and that isn’t healthy. So while I see nobody else has responded I think we all should look within to see if we’re doing it for all the right reasons.
Those numbers say to me that 75 percent have sex once or less a week. Personally, I read some studies that confirm that the average is once a week. That sounds about right to me. Once every 7 to 10 days is doing great. Life is busy with kids. And there’s nothing worse than being tired at the end of day and then your partner is asking for more. When you’re tired, sex just ends up being a chore. And no one should have to do ‘duty sex’. My wife and I always went to bed right after we got the kids down and fell asleep immediately so that we got a good nights sleep. For her it meant about nine hours, for me about eight. Then the next day we both felt more rested but still would go to bed right after we put the kids down. Except we felt less tired and could ‘play awhile’ with each other :)… And then start the rat race all over again. We were both thankful for at least once a week. And again, ONCE a week is NORMAL for all the couples we’ve talked to.
If the father feels neglected or refused then he can come to resent having kids and that is not a good thing. My wife and I have 6 so we’ve been through the new baby thing a lot and I really do understand that their need to be fed, burped, changed etc. is a higher priority than my need for intimacy, but that doesn’t make the need vanish.
Intimacy doesn’t always have to be sex, and it doesn’t have to be at the end of the day when you are most worn out either. Most guys will be happy with a somewhat messier house if it makes the difference between a wife that has time and energy to be with them and a wife that doesn’t. And a husband that feels loved is far more willing to help out with the housework.
Don’t worry about what commonly happens when a couple has a child, just do your best to meet the needs of all your loved ones.
Wow! 6 kids and you’re worried about YOUR “need for intimacy”? It’s not just about babies needing to be fed and burped etc. It’s about a mother feeling contstantly needed and drained. She’s exhausted and probably doesn’t practice self care but in your mind she needs to worry about banging her husband so he’ll feel loved enough to help out? Or worse that he’ll resent resent children that he fathered because he doesn’t get enough sex? YOU COULDN’T POSSIBLY SOUND LIKE A BIGGER ASSHOLE!
It was the “willing to help with the housework” for me.
I’m confused; how much sex do you charge for carrying an equal share of the domestic labor in a household with 6 children whom you presumably fathered? I see you are willing to tolerate a messy house for more sex, but how much to actually behave like a real human partner that values his spouse?
I have 3 children, ages 4 1/2, 3, and 6 months. Sometimes my husband and I’s only moments alone are those spent making love. He is nurse and works 12 hours on the days he works (3 to 4 times a week), when he works night shift I may only see him for 30 minutes at a time until the next day off. We may not have sex those days. But the days he is off we more than make up for it. We will have sex 2 to 3 times a day on his days off. I’m always tired. I haven’t had a restful night of sleep since 2016. But that is my normal. This is our normal. I don’t say no to sex unless I am, literally, falling asleep. We get to go on dates every 2 to 3 months. Sex is free and it is how we bond among the chaos of life. I don’t let my kids watch tv, and that’s why they sit there and absorb all the screen time they can while my husband spend some quality time together. My marriage comes first. I love my kids, but my husband and our love is the reason they exist in the first place. When my marriage is going well and we spend those most intimate moments together, it makes parenting a little easier. And let’s face it ladies, as my husband says, “ sometimes you just gotta hit that reset button.” When I meet his needs, he willing to help with the needs around the house. When he meets those needs I’m more than happy to meet his needs.
So. My kids are 2 and 5. Oldest is my step son. When I came into picture he was about 2. Me and my wife had sex regularly like 2-3x a week if not more. Now it goes 6 months at a time roughly. To the point when I finally get sex I’m irritated because now I know it’ll be many many month before it happens again
God I never thought that would be my life but I’m right there with you man.
My kids are 1 and 3. I’m lucky to get it once a month. I feel unloved and am never touched. You may act like we’re just pigs looking for our sexual fix, but you don’t know how we really feel. I don’t understand how one can think that i should be okay with being a roomate that takes care of kids. I give her space, time to go out by herself, trips with friends, i do a fair share of the chores. We’re gonna live life this way till they’re grown and when we’re older and not as capable we’ll look back with regret.
Can you talk to your wife and let her know how you feel? Maybe talk to her at some non-sexual time and let her know that sex is the way you feel loved. One way to explain it might be to compare it to her never being complimented or hugged or kissed – or whatever her love language is – or only getting that once every few months (I’m assuming that you hug and kiss her more than that.).