So Your Teen Can Drive Now … Here’s How to Survive!
Nothing in the parenting universe prepares you for the all-consuming stress of your teen driving: not potty training, sleep scheduling, baby’s first steps, your daughter’s first period, or giving “the talk.” Nothing compares.
I’m not talking about the financial burdens of car insurance or the convoluted, costly Louisiana licensing process (though these experiences are also definitely not for the faint of heart)– I’m talking about the shock you feel seeing your teen drive off, behind the wheel solo, for the first time. For me, it felt my amygdala was lit on fire while like my heartstrings were simultaneously being yanked like a slingshot — and then let go. And the thing is, my son is a good (enough) driver — and I already take anti-anxiety meds. No matter. You see, the day your teen first drives off is the day the umbilical cord is actually, finally, completely cut. They’re on their own, navigating the unpredictable driving world with nascent developing prefrontal cortexes, and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.
My son passed his license test on the first try, the week after he turned 16 last May. More than six months later, he’s still alive and driving, I’m still alive and coping, and I have learned some tips and tricks for how to stay (mostly) sane along the way:
Ride with them!
As counterintuitive as it sounds, riding shotgun with my son behind the wheel has actually lessened my stress and anxiety — over time. At first, I was terrified. My wild stop sign gestures, invisible brake pedal stomps, and grimaces definitely looked like a bizarre interpretive dance to anyone looking through the window. And to my son.
“Mom, chill. Stop. I see the sign. I’m slowing down.”
Gradually, I did chill. Kinda. Instead of gesturing, I opted for the more subtle grabbing-onto-the-jeans routine, accompanied by crossing many fingers. These days if I think he’s following too closely, or going to fast, I might whisper a little “be careful” or often I’ll just close my eyes, reminding myself that it’s out of my hands. Take a breath. I’m not driving. It’s ok. We’re ok.
Finding faith in my son as a driver has strengthened our relationship, and it’s lessened my fear. I can see that he’s focused and clear headed, that he’s got this (as much as any of us do). Riding shotgun with my son behind the wheel has also reminded me that parenting is all about loving hard (building a dependable family nest) while learning to gradually let go (nurturing independence).
Better them than their friends
Once I was convinced that my son was a (fairly) solid driver, it helped me to relax to know that he was behind the wheel, instead of one of his friends. Not that his friends are bad drivers — it’s just that I haven’t ridden shotgun with them, they haven’t passed my version of driver’s ed. Knowing that my son is driving allows me to bathe in the glow of perceived control over what can often feel like an out-of-control situation.
Put those phones to good use – track them
I really don’t know how parents of teens coped before smart phones and tracking devices. Using apps like Find My or Life 360 allows nervous parents to check up on their driving child’s whereabouts in real time. As a West Banker, I breathe a little sigh every time the Find My app shows that my son safely crossed “the bridge.” I can see when he’s stuck in traffic, and also if he ends up where he’s supposed to. Yes, it’s Big Brother. Yes, I should build more trust. But right now, these apps are trust with training wheels for parents of driving teens. I’ll let go and check the apps less when I’m ready, but that time isn’t now.
Got errands? Not anymore!
One of the grand silver linings of your teen driving is their willingness to drive anywhere, anytime. I’ve sent my son out to pick up fast food, grab milk and bread from the store, and to gas up the car. I’m not quite ready for him to pickup his 12-year-old sister yet (my amygdala can’t yet handle the concept of both of my babies without us in the car), but I’ll get there … someday.
View the experience as a milestone
Parenting is a nonstop roller coaster ride of adventures, terrors, and thrills. Personally, it helps me to view teen driving as another milestone along the ride. (Though let’s be honest: on a roller coaster, teen driving would be the straight drop from skyscraper height, straight into an upside down swirl.) Driving teens will also feel just as accomplished as they once did as babies taking their first steps, toddlers conquering potty training, or young kids losing their first teeth. With automotive autonomy comes great responsibility — driving with a license makes teens accountable for themselves and others in scary, exciting ways they haven’t experienced before. Getting your teenager to fully understand and accept the dangers and risks involved with driving, and knowing when and how to fully trust them, takes serious conversations, trial and error, and heightened awareness as parents. If parenting came with a scout uniform, teen driving would be another earned badge (or better yet, a medal) on a very crowded childhood vest (to be followed by prom, graduation … and gasp- college?!).
Prioritize self-care
The teen driving experience has pretty much forced me to find a healthy way to process my emotions (interpretative dances and panic attacks definitely aren’t it). I’ve taken up journaling again, and frequently use wellness apps such as Insight Timer and Headspace to guide my breathing and navigate stress and anxiety. Sometimes I also just run it out — running away from the reality of my boy growing older and more independent is often the best physical and mental health exercise of all. Blogging doesn’t hurt, either.
Commiserate with other teen parents
Another solid way to decompress the driving trials and tribulations of teens is to commiserate with other parents of teens. It’s important to remember that you are one of many, many parents struggling to navigate the challenging experience of teen driving. Complaining about the DMV, skyrocketing insurance, new fears (them driving in fog, in the rain, at night!), and frustrations (them taking the car on your day off, leaving you stranded at home) is cathartic and fun. Teens definitely need to commiserate with their peers too — I know my son has probably shared some good laughs about my passenger seat dance or the amount of questions I ask him before leaving the house (Do you have your keys? License? Does the car have gas? Why is the sky blue?).
There are a lot of pros (and cons) to your teen driving. Learning how to healthily process your fears and positively support their growing independence are some of the biggest challenges involved. There are definitely still moments where my amygdala fires up and my own prefrontal cortex doesn’t feel fully developed at all. In those moments, I try to remember to revisit some of the above strategies to find peace and clarity.
 to your teen driving. Learning how to healthily process your fears and positively support their growing independence are some of the biggest challenges involved.){kind=link}