To the daughter I will never have ::
I dreamed of you. Well not of “you” per se, but of the idea of you, the notion of your existence in my life … in our lives. I am an extremely lucky / blessed / grateful mom of three wonderful sons, a role I wouldn’t trade for anything. But I would be remiss if I didn’t admit to shedding tears after that ultrasound of our last baby, confirming that I will never have a daughter. I know a lot of my dreams are just that, and that having a daughter doesn’t guarantee any of what I feel I am missing out on. But I cling to the hope that the bond I share with my own mother would carry on another generation. There is a part of me that believes the baby I lost before my third son was in fact my daughter. But, I will never know.
I will never get to hold a bundle of pink.
I will never get to watch your daddy get wrapped around your finger.
I will never get to watch you play mommy with your baby dolls.
I will never get to watch your delight as I paint your nails and let you wear some of mommy’s lipstick.
I will never get to help you pick out your first training bra.
I will never get to watch you be giddy over your first crush.
I will never get to explain to you what is happening to your body as you approach puberty.
I will never get to watch you explode with fits of giggles at your first sleepover.
I will never get to teach you how to style your hair, apply makeup, or accessorize an outfit.
I will never get to hold you as you experience your first heartbreak.
I will never get to teach you that you can be anyone you want to be.
I will never get to take turns brushing your hair and you brushing mine.
I will never get to watch your daddy blush as you present yourself in your prom attire.
I will never get to watch a child experience an adolescence I can relate to in more ways than not.
I will never get to treat you to your first spa day when you turn 18 just as my mom did for me.
I will never get to help you shop for and decorate your dorm.
I will never get to watch you fall in love and worry if you will be treated as you deserve.
I will never get to gab on the phone with you for hours on end.
I will never get to help you pick out your wedding gown.
I will never get to hold you in my lap when you are long past the age of physically fitting there.
I will never get to watch your face (and your daddy’s) when you take the hand of your partner in life.
I will never be one of the first phone calls you make to tell me you are expecting your first child.
I will never get to watch you hold your baby for the first time.
I will never get to experience motherhood secondhand as I watch you journey its joys & sorrows.
I will never get to be your sounding board as you navigate your many roles in life.
I will never get to go on “girl’s trips” with you.
I will never have a closer confidante who can truly empathize with the changes that happens as we age.
I will never have many of these things. I will have something different, not better or worse, but different. And although female camaraderie is something I yearn for in a way, I have a sister who is my best friend and will be my “girl’s trip” partner for life. I will have my sons to show me a part of life I couldn’t even imagine or dream.