You Should Be Proud of Yourself
I don’t remember when or from whom I heard it, but one piece of parenting advice that has always stuck with me is the idea that parents shouldn’t tell their kids “I’m so proud of you;” they should say “you must be so proud of yourself.”
The idea behind the shift is that it helps kids place value in themselves rather than in others. I try to use this with both my own kids and my students, but it has been a surprisingly difficult shift to make because “I’m so proud of you” is such an ingrained response when someone we love or respect does something worthy of praise.
Praising the children around me is literally part of my job, as both a mom and a teacher, so I make a conscious effort to see and acknowledge things worthy of praise, but I only recently realized that that should include myself too.
The past two years have been extremely difficult both personally and professionally. We have experienced family illness and loss that required us to manage an estate from a distance and travel regularly to deal with the physical things left behind. It felt like every school break was devoted to addressing family needs, even though I desperately needed rest for myself because several new course preps had me feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. And this was all on top of normal family chaos: work, school, extracurriculars, appointments, and at one point, a broken bone.
At the end of last school year, I remember telling a friend, “I don’t think I’ve ever worked so hard to feel like such a failure.” The entire school year I had worked relentlessly to make my new course successful, but I hit wall after wall. Many of the obstacles I faced were truly out of my control, but I was frustrated by how many creative plans got pushed aside because I didn’t have enough time or because there were too many interruptions.
This school year wasn’t any different. At the last minute, I was asked to step into a course I had never taught for a teacher on leave. I knew the unique course had a very specific curriculum and required the management of several very big projects, meaning it would be a lot of extra work, but I agreed because I thought it was best for our students and our team. I was upfront and transparent with my students from day 1: I was figuring it out as I went, but I would do the best that I could for them.
It ended up becoming the most challenging year of my educational career. Early on in the year, I realized that taking that course on, in addition to all the other responsibilities I had, was more than I could reasonably handle. My other course started to suffer because I was working so hard to keep my head above water on the new course. I found myself relying heavily on what worked the previous year rather than actively trying to improve instruction – something I pride myself on. I was so overwhelmed that I didn’t even know how or what to ask for help with, and I cried a lot.
Despite all of this, I powered through. My students learned the curriculum and successfully completed the major projects required by the course, largely because they were my greatest cheerleaders. On the last week of school, we reflected on the year. I praised them for their effort and thanked them for their patience and understanding with me as I navigated all the new. But I also admitted to them that I was proud of myself. I certainly didn’t meet my own high standards, but I got it done, and we all survived the year.
That same week, I attended the awards ceremony for a boot camp challenge I had participated in at my gym. I didn’t win any awards, but the ceremony marked eighteen weeks of consistently going to the gym for myself, despite all of the overwhelm I felt at home and at work. Again, I heard myself telling someone I was proud of myself, and then it struck me: I don’t know the last time I said that, and yet I had said it to myself twice in the same week.
I have always been a high achiever, receiving recognition and opportunities throughout my life. All along, I had fantastic support, encouraging me and praising me, but each new recognition, each new opportunity, came with an intense internal pressure to be even better. Rather than stopping to survey and reflect on my accomplishments, I was immediately making plans for the next achievement. And it’s not like I never failed, but I fully internalized the idea that failure is just an opportunity to do better next time. Any and every achievement was fuel for my next success, never a moment to stop and admire my work. It took just doing “good enough” to actually get me to stop and admire my own work, my own effort. It took recognizing that I know I did my best, even if my best wasn’t everything I wanted it to be, to tell myself I was proud of me.
I think there is a pretty good chance that others don’t tell themselves that enough either, but you should be proud of yourself, and you should tell yourself that often. So, take a moment with me to reflect on your recent accomplishments. They don’t have to be ground break or world changing things. They just have to be something you can and should be proud of yourself for.
Did you wash and put away the laundry on the same day? You must be so proud of yourself.
Did you get the groceries and meal prep on Sunday so that you would be less stress during the week? You must be so proud of yourself.
Have you been successfully getting your kids to and from all the summer camps you had hodgepodge together and register for months ago? You must be so proud of yourself.
Did you manage the annual clothing purge and hand me down shuffle or make a list of uniform items you need before next school year? You must be so proud of yourself.
Did you simply survive the routine chaos of the week, even if it meant being less than the perfect mom social media would have you believe you should be? You must be so proud of yourself.
Did you plan time for yourself and actually follow through with it? You must be so proud of yourself.
Are you doing the best you can even if it’s not everything you want it to be? You must be so proud of yourself.
