My Miscarriage: Dear Baby… {Part One of Two}

baby#3PT1FINALSeveral weeks ago, I suffered my first miscarriage.

I was 5 weeks and one day pregnant. It was devastating and heartbreaking and although I am writing this post, it is immensely difficult to articulate my thoughts. But these are my feelings and this is my journey. Below is a letter I wrote to my baby during the miscarriage. Once I knew in my heart what was happening, I grabbed a pen and started writing. Writing is my therapy.

Dear my sweet baby, 

I had to write this letter to you when all the emotions were still fresh, while they were still raw. I have written letters to your brothers when I found out I was pregnant with them. My heart breaks that you will never get to read this letter. You are slipping away from me faster than I imagined. 

I have only known about you for eight days but oh, how I love you. I loved you as soon as I saw that extra blue line on that piece of plastic. You were my miracle. After explaining your conception story to my doctor, she described you as “meant to be.” That is exactly how I pictured you and what you are to me. In eight days, I dreamed of what you would bring to our family. This baby, who was meant to be mine…who defied the statistical odds. I thought, what a wonderful statistic to be a part of. Now, what I wouldn’t give to not be lumped into the group of heartbroken mothers I now find myself in. In just eight days I imagined the excitement, joy and love you would add to our family. As you know, I already have two beautiful baby boys who have brought me more happiness and enriched my life forever. I knew that in a matter of time, eight more months precisely, you would do the same; how overjoyed I was. 

I know eight days seems like nothing at all, but in that time I thought of you every waking moment. I even dreamed of you. What would you look like? Would you jump right in and play with your big brothers, or would they be your protectors? Would you be another boy to steal my heart or would you be that daughter I have dreamed of? Would you make it to your due date and share a birthday with daddy? I’ll never know the answers.

I am so sorry I will never get to hold you. I will never get to hear your heartbeat. I will never get to kiss your sweet face. I will never get to smell your baby’s breath. I will never get to nurse you. I am sorry you will never get to play with your big brothers, and I am sorry they will never get to play with you. I am sorry you will never get to hear your daddy read a Dr. Seuss book. I am sorry my body failed you and that I could not protect you.

My sweet sweet baby, I want you know that for those eight days and for the rest of my life, I love you. I am thankful for the one week I got to hold you inside of my body. Even if it will never be enough. I love you, always and forever.

Love,

Mommy

 Click here if you would like to read part two of Amanda’s touching story and thoughts regarding her miscarriage. 

Miscarriage

48 COMMENTS

  1. Amanda,
    This touched me so very much. I had an early pregnancy end, it was my first.
    I was so excited at the thought of becoming a mother & to tell mine the good news.
    It was heart breaking when my Dr. told me I had an early miscarriage.
    I had all the symptoms, I am extremely in tune with my body & I KNEW when it happened.
    I have had some of the same thoughts as you of what might have been & not having children
    I can’t imagine what those sweet things would be like. I don’t know if that’s easier or harder not
    knowing but it hurts all the same.
    Thank you so much for sharing. It somehow helps me to know I’m not the only one &
    that it happens & it’s ok.
    I will be ok, eventually.

    Thoughts & prayers to you <3

    ~ Kari

    • Kari,

      Thank you so much for your thoughtful words. I am so very sorry for your loss. I agree, I don’t know what is worse but losing a child, at any stage or age, is the worst pain. I definitely relate that it helps to know I am not alone. Prayers and hugs to you.

  2. Thank you for sharing your heart. I lost my third baby at around 5/6 weeks also three years ago and have two boys. I had always wanted 3 and it was a wonderful surprise. I grieved for some time as my husband did not want to try again due to our age. God, time, running and of course my boys got me through the hardest part. I still think of that baby. Blessings to you.

  3. I said I didn’t want to read anymore, but it drew me in. I just lost my baby 1 week ago Sunday. Although my doc. appt isn’t until Wed. to confirm; I know in my heart my baby is gone! I am taking this one day at a time; but this has been the LONGEST, HARDEST, two weeks of my life! My husband and I are the only ones that currently know; but havent told ANYONE else. I know that only God can get me through this and I pray He blesses your heart with healing as well. Thank you so much for sharing. Thank you for helping me!

  4. As a young mother of 21 my fiance and I lost our first baby to miscarriage. After reading this all the troubled emotions were brought back. However, your letter is so inspiring. I’d like to add that we are expecting our first any day now but the thought of our baby girl crosses my mind everyday. God bless you.

  5. Hi, can I use this for my story? Your message is too meaningful and heart touching that’s why I decided to share this to my readers. You are such a strong person. Thank you.

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