Please note: This is meant to be a light-hearted comment on the tools that parents will utilize to keep their spirits high and stamina healthy. If this is an issue that you struggle with on a deeper level, please visit: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org
Whew. Tensions are high, schedules are in disarray, the air is thick with drama! What will help? Chocolate? Delicious candy? Salty snacks? YES TO ALL OF THE ABOVE.
But, wait. Schools are closed for a SHOCKINGLY LONG TIME. Some employers are (graciously) allowing some people to work from home. That means kids are home. And spouses. If you just put your goodies in the pantry like some kinda rookie, those people you live with are going to find them. You need a secret stash, STAT! I got you, girl. I’ve hidden snacks so well that even I couldn’t find them (don’t worry, turns out that M&Ms have a really long shelf life) and I’m here to spread the word.
Behind several books on the bookshelf
What’s that hiding behind Tolstoy and The Devil Wears Prada? It’s my dear buddy caramel and chocolate. If anyone understands, it’s good ole’ C&C. We’ve been together for so long, no one will come between us now. You’ll be safe with the literature. Do I feel bad? Nope. If my pre-teen daughter ever dusted properly, she’d have busted this stash by now.
In an old purse
Depending on the size and security (zipper, buckles, etc) of the purse, this may be all you need. The bonus here? You may find some cash or a forgotten tube of your favorite lipstick.
In the china cabinet (opaque dishes are best)
No one has ever been in here, not since you moved in. Yeah, you needed all those formal place settings in case the Queen ever came over for gumbo, but something tells me she’s not stopping by anytime soon. This stash should be safe for a while.
In the Christmas decorations.
Only 2 rules for this spot, no chocolate/gummy candy (it WILL melt in the attic, any time of year) and don’t put anything in here so crucial that you’ll need it when the family are all at home. Because opening the attic door “just to check something” is suspicious, no matter how oblivious your kids are.
The Standby: Your closet.
This one’s a classic, folks. Why? Because it works. No one hangs out in a closet if they don’t have to, no one suspects YOU for being in your closet, humidity is low, temperature is moderate … All the stars align.
Behind a picture frame
You can even get a little sentimental with this one. Have a dear friend you haven’t seen in awhile? Make their image the protector of your sweet (or salty) refuge. And, again- the poetic justice of the “insufficient dusting” thing is just too delicious (see what I did there?) to pass up.
In the woodpile.
It’s rare (but not never) that an emergency coincides with cold weather, so make sure you don’t forget these in here until they tumble out on Christmas morning when you finally build a fire. Proceed with caution- candy fights as you open presents can get awkward quickly.
In a box of tampons
This one is only safe if you are not sharing feminine products with anyone else in the house, but if you have only boys, this may be the most secure location on the whole list. (I don’t have to point out the OBVIOUS advantage to this location, do I?)
In the vegetable crisper/bag of frozen vegetables.
I personally am not able to use this one. My family enjoys vegetables almost as much as they enjoy candy (yeah, we’re weirdos). Also, I have seen this one shared on social media before, so be careful. This may be a good place for Whoppers, or other low-level “desperate times call for desperate measures” candy trash…
In your toilet paper fort
The odds of us actually using the amount of toilet paper we’ve been encouraged to hoard are very low. Why not keep a little treat at the very bottom of the pile? Then, if you don’t find it until back to school time, or Halloween, I’m sure it’ll come in handy then!
This list is obviously an attempt to find humor in a tense situation. So much is uncertain or even a little scary, and as parents, we feel the added pressure of caring for small humans who can’t reason or care for themselves. Normal things are more important than usual, and may help us keep our sanity as well as safety. I wish the very best of health and happiness for your family.
…. even if you like Whoppers.