You know how it goes. You are looking forward to having a break from your little ones, and not long after you’re out of the house, you feel this pang and wonder if you should be leaving them. What if they really need you when you’re gone?!? First of all, take a break; you need it. Secondly, let’s unpack the word “guilt” and take a look at opposite emotions.
Emotional Intelligence
Several years ago, I was able to attend a Six Seconds Emotional Intelligence workshop for educators. At the time, I had been teaching for about 10 years, and I remember thinking that it was the first time I had ever been in a room full of adults discussing our emotions. Since my personality is true to my Cancer zodiac sign, it was refreshing for me. One of the biggest takeaways was a discussion we had about opposite emotions.
Emotions are signals. They are sending us a message that is not always clear in the moment. This is one reason why it is helpful to “feel your feelings” and process your emotions. Try not to label your feelings as “good or bad.” Acknowledge that certain emotions make you feel awful and others make you feel great but know that they are all valid. We can’t choose our emotions, but we can choose how we react to our emotions which can be extremely challenging, especially if you are experiencing intense emotions and are unsure how to process them.
When you recognize and name the emotion you are feeling, it can be helpful to consider the opposite feeling. In the EQ class, the leader asked us to identify an emotion that we had been feeling regularly at the time. He had laid out many small charms for a key chain. Each one had an emotion written on one side and the opposite emotion on the other side. For me, I browsed around and found the charm that said “drained.” When I turned it over, the back said “vibrant.” The leader explained that when you feel a particular emotion, you are often wanting to feel the opposite. All of your efforts are an attempt to make your life vibrant. This discussion shifted my perspective on emotions. It wasn’t “bad” that I felt drained, but it was a signal telling me that something needed to change.
Thoughts about Mom Guilt
Moving back into present day, I recently had that pang of mom-guilt, and then, I’m not exactly sure why, but the opposite emotion discussion came to mind. I thought, wait, what is this feeling telling me? Well, I think I just want to be a really good mom and that’s not a bad thing at all. Part of being a good mom is taking time for myself. We all need time alone and other time with friends. We are more than a mom, and we have to nurture those parts of ourselves as well.
One thing that could make taking time for yourself challenging is that when you have littles at home, there is ALWAYS something you could be doing. The house is never fully clean. The laundry is never completely folded and put away. There’s a 99% chance that there will be some dirty dishes in the sink. There are most likely multiple areas of your home that need cleaning out and organizing. It can be tough to leave knowing that you will come back to a home that is not as tidy as you’d like it to be, and maybe you felt like you didn’t spend enough focused time with your kids. You still need a break. I won’t say “don’t feel guilty.” I suggest feeling it, and recognizing what it means – that you are an awesome momma! You are trying to balance the needs of your entire family, and you are taking the time to care for your own needs, which will make everyone happier.
Guilt and Empathy
When looking up the definition of “guilt,” I went to Brene Brown’s Atlas of the Heart. She says that, “Like shame, guilt is an emotion that we experience when we fall short of our own expectations or standards.” She goes on to say that “Empathy and guilt work together to create a force that is adaptive and powerful.” This line reminded me of how important it is to have people supporting you throughout your motherhood journey. We all need friends and loved ones to say, “This parenting thing is really tough, and I am here for you!”
To summarize, I know so many mothers who experience mom guilt, and I believe that it’s an indication of your aspirations to be an awesome mom. No mom has ever been or ever will be perfect. Try your best. Reflect and adjust. Repeat. And do not forget to reach out to others for support – ask for what you need. And definitely, take a break for you and your kiddos.
Learn more about identifying emotions here: Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions
