Learning Through Failure :: Breaking Generational “Curses” Through Humility
It’s no secret that we all fail sometimes as parents. After all, we are human. And while it’s difficult to admit one’s own flaws, I think that’s something our generation has done better than our parents.
Dysregulated Mom
I had a relatively normal childhood. Loving parents, a roof over my head, and I was provided with all the things necessary for a child to thrive. But I also had a mom who NEVER talked about the difficult things. Additionally, her method of discipline was withholding love until she felt any perceived grievance had been apologized for enough. (Sometimes this took days). Nevermind this “grievance” was typically something as simple as my opinion on an outfit differing from hers. And sometimes it was simply that she herself was dysregulated, and thus easily irritated. This left me walking on eggshells most of my life. But to be fair, I get dysregulated too.
As a working mom, working through my own emotional healing, I too struggle to regulate my own emotions at times. Maybe I had a long day at work, or the fighting over homework is setting me on edge. Sometimes, my kids are perfect angels and for no reason other than my own emotional state, I lose my patience. In these moments, it would be easy to make excuses. It would also be easy to tell my kids “I need you to just be a good listener, help out more, stop disrespecting me, etc.” Sometimes that truly is the case. But there are many times I myself am also in the wrong. Therein lies (what I consider) the profound difference between my generation and our parents’ generation.
Working To Change Generational Patterns
To be fair, I don’t think we are any more or less stressed than our parents were. I think we are just more aware of how our own emotional state affects our day to day interactions with our kids. I believe my generation has enough self-awareness to admit we are human and thus make mistakes. We also have the willingness to openly admit this to our children, and have conversations about said behavior. I have to believe this comes from a place of wanting better for our children.
I personally spent a large portion of my young adult life as a debilitating people pleaser, incapable of making decisions because I didn’t want anyone to be upset with me. And how could I not be when I grew up with a mom who purposely withheld affection if I made her unhappy? (A pattern of behavior that still exists today in my 40’s). But with a lot of therapy and painful introspection, I can happily say that I am no longer placing my self-worth in whether or not people like me. I can confidently set boundaries and authentically be myself. I am better at navigating relationships and ultimately am a better human all around. And that’s what I want for my kids.
Building Social Confidence
I want my kids to understand that all emotions can exist in a relationship, and that is normal. I want them to understand that even people who love each other unconditionally may have moments where they upset one another. Most importantly, I want them to understand that those “negative” emotions do not take away from their value as people. I don’t want them stripping away parts of themselves just to make everyone around them happy. I don’t want them to emerge into adulthood with zero self confidence, and feeling that their self worth is based on others’ approval. So I apologize when I am in the wrong.
I admit when I have allowed the stress of everyday life to negatively affect how I interact with them. Then we have a very open and honest conversation about ways in which we all could have communicated more effectively. But we never dismiss feelings. We acknowledge that each person may feel different in any given situation, and we talk about how and why those feelings arose. I have to believe that it is helping them grow. I have to believe it is providing them with advanced emotional intelligence so they can be better siblings, better friends, and more compassionate to themselves. I also hope that it gives them the ability to acknowledge those negative feelings, but then have the ability to move past them.
Life Isn’t Fair
Because the truth is that life isn’t always perfect or fair. We will argue with those we love. Physically, mentally and emotionally painful experiences will happen. We may have to do a task we don’t like or that makes us frustrated, and we need to be able to navigate that in a way that allows success. Additionally, we need to learn how to have open and respectful conversations with people we disagree with. In a society where it is becoming increasingly common to “hate” those whose opinions differ from yours, I want my kids to know that this is not only unnecessary but unproductive and hurtful.
I want my children to be able to confidently stand up for what they believe in but also respect those who feel differently than them. I want them to understand that challenging conversations can be an opportunity for growth and a way to learn from others. Most importantly, I want my kids to know that NO MATTER WHAT, I will always love them. No argument or bad behavior will cause me to withhold affection, and I will always be here to listen.
Keep Working At It
At the end of the day, none of us are perfect. But failing is where we can find growth if we are just open to admitting such failure. So I hope that in the challenges, you are able to have compassion for yourself. I hope you are able to have open conversations with your children, so they can live a life full of social and emotional confidence.
