Is It Really Just the Thought that Counts?
If you are a fan of The Big Bang Theory, you know that Sheldon is not a fan of gift-giving. In season 2, he explains to Penny that giving someone a gift is not actually giving them a gift, it is giving them an obligation to buy a gift of equal value. Ultimately, Sheldon learns that the value of some gifts is more than their monetary worth, but the lesson still doesn’t really change his feelings about gift-giving.
While certainly the bit was meant as entertainment, I must admit that I somewhat agree with Sheldon. Though I’m less concerned about monetary equivalencies, I am equally stressed by the social conventions around gift-giving. I am often overwhelmed by the time and effort I have to put into finding good gifts for others, and I honestly don’t always appreciate the gifts I receive (though I’d never tell anyone that directly).
Of course, whenever I express these opinions, I am chastised and reminded that “it’s the thought that counts,” but I’m not sure I entirely buy into that idea. The phrase suggests that the gift giver thought of me, and it is the fact that I was in their thoughts, not the gift itself, that should be appreciated. I can and do understand this idea if someone gifts me something for no other reason than that they thought of me (i.e. “I saw this in the store, and it made me think of you!”). I genuinely feel loved when I receive those types of gifts, and I really do appreciate them, but especially around the holidays, most gifts feel like obligatory gifts. It’s Christmas, so people think they should buy me a gift, not that the particular gift is something they’d like me to have or something I would value. And this is where, in my opinion, the thought really doesn’t count. More than likely, I’m just a name on a list of people for whom they feel some social obligation to purchase a gift. Often, these obligatory gifts are generic Christmas gifts and don’t actually reflect any thought about the recipient. Instead, they just add to the stuff and the clutter of the holiday season, and anyone who really knows me, knows that I definitely don’t appreciate stuff and clutter, so it’s difficult for me to “appreciate the thought.”
It is also this very opinion that so many of the obligatory gifts just add to the stuff and the clutter of the holidays that makes gift-giving so stressful to me. Because I don’t appreciate meaningless, obligatory gifts, I also do not want to be guilty of gifting someone else “stuff and clutter.” Instead, I fret over buying the perfect gift for everyone on my list. It is rare that I can check a bunch of names off my list with a bulk purchase, and if I do, it’s usually related to an inside joke (and probably has a curse word on it). I want the gifts I give others to be thoughtful, not just for the recipients to be thankful that I thought of them. Instead of finding joy in showing those I care about how much I appreciate them, I just end up spiraling as I doom-scroll through Amazon, ultimately settling on a gift card because I can’t find the perfect gift, and at least it’s not more clutter.
As far as I’m concerned, no one should ever feel any obligation to get anyone a gift. I will never be offended if someone doesn’t buy me a gift, even if I’ve given them one, and I will never assume that someone not giving me a gift means they didn’t think of me. I’d rather my friends and loved ones pebble me with memes all year long than ever feel obligated to spend their money on me JUST because social convention says they should. And I hope that those who are closest to me understand that as much as I dislike gift-giving, I really do put a lot of thought into every gift I give because I truly believe gifts should be about more than monetary value and social obligations. Unfortunately, despite all the people that will chime in with, “It’s the thought that counts,” there still seem to be a lot of expectations about the act of gift giving, and much like Sheldon, I often wish I could just recuse myself from the whole ordeal rather than risk upsetting someone with a poorly chosen gift or a “thank you” they deem insufficient.
