I’m a Gen X Parent, Of Course I …
My social media has been inundated with posts related to a silly statement by someone who looks quite young calling Generation X “the worst generation.” Generation X typically includes those born in the 1970s, although the range varies from those born in the mid-1960s to about 1980. As someone who is pushing 50, no matter the specific start and end points, I am solidly a proud member of Gen X.
I could not care less about defending Gen X or joining with other Gen Xers in some sort of “call to action” (I am in Gen X after all – we typically don’t care about much and aren’t really “joiners”). And I recognize that all discussion of generational behavior is an exercise in generalizing based on very little information. Parenting styles are affected as much or more by one’s generation as they are one’s experience growing up as part of families, communities, societal structures, and more. Even so, one’s generation matters. We’re all products of our time and place. As a Gen X parent, of course I … use ellipses … and …
… I Don’t Use Much Positive Reinforcement (but still a helluva lot more than I ever got)
A few years ago, a student told me that I never write anything positive on papers I grade – that the only comments are negative or as I would say, “constructive.” I have since tried occasionally to write positive comments, but honestly, I now tell them that the absence of a negative is a positive. Growing up, any time I did well on something, my mom said, “That was good. But don’t get the big head about it.” That was the extent of encouragement or praise.
I try very hard to encourage my kids more than that because I remember what it felt like to work really hard on something and have it go unnoticed. However, this does not come naturally to me. Instead of going overboard on praise to compensate for my own lack of recognition growing up, I try to be more engaged in their lives than my parents were in mine. I think what I wanted was not for my parents to notice my accomplishments, but rather to notice me, and to understand what really made me tick. I try to take the time to remember when they have a big project due or a big exam, to take note of their friends and the “tea” they let me in on, and to listen whenever they feel like talking about whatever they want to talk about. I hope they feel like I appreciate them and that I’m proud of them even when I am not overflowing with praise and adoration.
… I Don’t Teach My Kids that Life Is Fair
As a Gen X girl raised by parents who lived their own version of the American Dream, I was told I could do anything, be anything I wanted. By extension, if things didn’t go my way, it was probably my fault.
I do not tell my kids this. It took decades for me to learn that sometimes bad things happen for no reason, that one’s hard work does not always pay off in the way they want it to, that people do not always get what they deserve. They will often see people get ahead who don’t work as hard as they do, who aren’t as smart or talented or kind as they are. And, there are true barriers to their success that are built into the economic and political structure that no amount of hard work or talent can negate.
I simply don’t believe ignoring these facts makes them any less real, and in my case, understanding that I am not responsible for every negative thing that happens would have saved me a lot of grief.
Instead, I try to teach that they should strive for their personal best in whatever they do, and they should treat people with kindness and grace because it’s the right thing to do; but, they should not expect the world around them to care. And, everything will work out just fine most of the time.
… I am a Stealth-Fighter Parent
I ran across the term “stealth fighter parent” recently and it describes Gen X perfectly. Where Baby Boomer helicopter parents hover over their kids and care a little too much and snowplow parents “clear the road” of all potential obstacles for their kids, stealth-fighter parents selectively choose when and how much to get involved in their kids’ lives.
These parents decide whether the issue meets their “threshold of importance.” If it doesn’t, we save our energy and do not get involved. A parent of a friend of one of my kids once tried to get me involved in an issue they had with another kid at school. Though I agreed that the child in question wasn’t behaving appropriately, I decided my kid could handle it and this child posed no serious harm to others. As another example, my daughter became upset about her school’s dress code and although I agreed with her, she decided to meet with the principal to discuss it without any intervention on my part.
When issues meet the threshold, however, stealth-fighters can “strike rapidly and in force, and often without warning.” I don’t always know my kids’ teachers’ names and do not routinely check the websites about whether they’re doing their work; but when there is a problem, within minutes I can figure out whom to contact and what experts suggest to do to resolve the issue. I hope people are ready because I will come armed with knowledge from everywhere I can find it, in detail and with appropriate citations. I imagine they’re probably asking, “Who is this woman? Her kid has been here for four years and we’ve never seen her.” Like a stealth-fighter, I strike quickly and precisely – and when the problem is resolved, I go back to base just as quickly and quietly.
