How I Successfully Set Boundaries With My Family :: 4 Easy Steps and Examples
The holidays, while full of love and joy, are oftentimes also incredibly stressful. There are gifts to buy and wrap, traveling to get through, and normal eating is thrown out the window (helloooo eggnog) along with workout routines and schedules of any kind. On top of all of that for us parents there is the added stress of keeping what we are trying hard to work on at home the same wherever we are and with whomever we meet. The dreaded “b” word – boundaries.
I doubt I’m alone in the fact that growing up and into early adult like I never bucked up the courage to set many boundaries with my parents and relatives. It’s just my mental health after all, who cares about that? Thanks to therapy, hindsight, and research, though, I have found that I don’t want my daughter to grow up with the same insecurities that all the women in my family have and I wanted to try to keep her as safe as possible.
With all of this weighing on my mind, I decided when she was born that we were setting boundaries and holding those around us accountable. Since initially setting our expectations, we have only had to remind our relatives of them once or twice, and it takes such a weight off my shoulders to know that they are acting with our priorities in mind.
Here are the steps to our success:
1. Do some research and find out what is important to you and most age appropriate. Now that I have a young child instead of an infant, my husband and I decided on what was most important to us and it came down to three things: break the cycle of body image problems, keep her safe from choking hazards, and set my child up with the right tools to keep her as safe as I can from predatory adults. More rules will likely be set as she grows older but for now those were the top priorities.
2. Write out or type out your specific rules so they are set in stone! Here is the list I gave this winter:
- She sets her own boundaries, if she doesn’t want to hug / kiss / touch, you respect it. Additionally, there will be no “guilting” her after the fact. “Oh, not getting a hug makes me so sad” is inappropriate. If you are hugging, cuddling, tickling and she says stop, listen the first time and stop immediately. Obviously, if she is unsafe (about to fall, climbing, etc.) you can do what you need to, but she usually listens pretty well.
- Please refrain from negative body / food talk. Diets, calorie counts, “I look so fat,” etc. I am also working on this, but I want her to feel absolutely confident in her body and part of that is seeing the people in her life be confident.
- She cannot eat nuts that aren’t finely chopped, popcorn, or hard candy. Outside of that, feel free to offer her whatever. Grapes and circular foods should be cut down.
- No secrets. This is something we are starting to set a good base, but trustworthy adults don’t ask children to keep secrets.
3. Make sure people know. I preferred texting because I’m an insufferable millennial but also so there was a receipt that they were informed. Conversations work well too, but regardless, you should be ready to defend your stance. Unfortunately, older generations didn’t have as much information as we do and so some of my rules confused them and put them on the defensive. Thankfully you have just done research and know what’s best! Hit ‘em with the facts! I have also found success in prefacing the information with “I know you will agree with me / will understand / won’t be a problem, but here are some boundaries…” to soften them up.
4. Hold your stance! Boundaries mean nothing if they aren’t enforced. I find small comments have worked to stop conversations or reroute them. “Oh, she said no to a hug, maybe next time,” “we don’t talk about our bodies that way,” or “young impressionable ears present.” In extreme circumstances, I will remove my child from the room / house / event if necessary. Unlock your inner mama bear and be ready to stand up for your child who can’t stand up for themselves just yet.
Repeat these steps every few years as needs, language skills, and environments change. I am very lucky to be in a family that understands and does their best to respect my wishes. We have had a few conversations about the whys, and we calmly gave our reasoning. No one is perfect, but we can all work together to do the best for our kiddos.
Ready to get started? I did research all over but this is an example of good information to prevent abuse, a good article on body positivity, all about choking and safety hazards, and an article on teaching consent.