Desperately Seeking Night Night :: I Hired An Expensive Sleep Coach, Here’s What I Learned
It was early on a Sunday morning when I dropped my son off at my parent’s house so I could tackle some errands and cleaning. My dad grabbed my chin, examined my face for a minute and said, “You look exhausted. Or sick. Are you sick?” And that was the moment my tears could be no longer be contained. It had been 14 months. Fourteen months of seven to nine wakeups throughout the night and three to four hours of sleep. Every. Single. Night. From the day my son was born, he had little to no desire for the act of sleep. An act that my husband and I had grown fondly accustomed to. We had tried it all. At one point I covered all the mirrors in the house with blankets because old superstition claimed they amplify your energy and cause sleep disturbances. Spoiler: that didn’t work either.
It was time to bring in the big guns. Along with our empty sleep banks, we emptied our real bank and hired one of the most prominent and expensive sleep coaches in New Orleans. After a few long months, and countless hours of tracking, journaling and consulting sessions, we learned a few essential tools that helped us break the sleep curse:
1. We were doing the absolute most.
I tend to be “extra” in many areas of my life, and my son’s health, wellness and schedule fall prey to my obsession with control. As a type A Virgo with a love for details and research, I dove headfirst into my vendetta with sleep. There wasn’t a website on Instagram account dedicated to infant sleep that I had not spent countless hours trolling for answers. Wake windows, sleep pressure and debt, vitamin deficiencies and nutrition were common themes in most of my spousal conversations. Every day I would try something new or different in hopes it was the magic cure. Weighted sleep sack? Bought it. Fancy air purifier? We have two. Every day we would come up with a plan to attack the night differently, try the new technique or tip, and wake up the next morning a little more defeated than the day before. It had gotten to the point where I had so much information in my head and was being pulled into so many different sleep philosophies, that I didn’t realize that I was the one moving the target for my baby. I should have just focused on trusting my own instincts and making him feel safe and supported, so that consistency over time would create a positive feeling around sleep.
2. Our environment needed some tweaking.
I did learn some valuable information about our kids and sleep environments that promote healthy rest and more importantly, a feeling of safety. A soft glowing night light in warm tones such as amber or red promotes better sleep than cool tones like a blue or white light. The room should be a little lighter than feels normal (enough that it doesn’t take your eyes much time at all to adjust). If you choose to use a sound machine, a soothing continuous sound like waves or wind is preferable to staccato noises like rain that can cause sleep disruptions. Sound machines should be about six feet from your baby or child’s sleep spot. We were using a fan as recommended to help prevent SIDS, but too was causing some sleep disturbances so we opted to drop the temperature in the room instead. In the end, I don’t know if any of these changes really contributed to his shift in sleep, but I do think it has created an environment where he feels comfortable and safe.
3. Wake windows are our friend. Strict schedules are not.
I have friends whose kids are on pretty regular and strict schedules. And boy, am I jealous. I needed to keep reminding myself that my baby is, in fact, his own person with his own thoughts, feelings and preferences and unfortunately, a love for schedules is just not something he inherited from me. Once we ditched the schedule and started to follow his cues, leaning on a loose window of when we think he might want to sleep, he became so much more comfortable and we became more relaxed. Before, we’d fight him for hours wondering why he fell asleep at this same time last night but wouldn’t do it again. Turns out we just needed to listen to what he was asking from us instead of telling him what his body needed.
4. I underestimated my kid.
As a first-time mom, sleep was not the only thing I was trying to figure out. The postpartum stage is not for the faint of heart and I was terrified of screwing up. So terrified in fact that I was underestimating my son’s ability to rely on himself. I had read so much about secure attachment and was so terrified that I would damage our relationship if I let him cry for too long or left him awake, alone in a dark and scary room. But really, he had been telling me to butt out for a long time. The tactics that he needed as a newborn had changed and I had missed the memo. The first night I laid him down, handed him a bottle and just left the room was the first night I cried all over again as I obsessively watched the monitor. Without any fuss, he turned over and just drifted off. I was shocked.
In the end, we didn’t even finish our sessions with the doctor, but I don’t feel like I wasted my money. I learned a valuable lesson about providing guidance without making his experience my job or responsibility. Once I started to pull back more and more, the better his nights became. It was the first time I realized that I needed to turn off my helicopter and let him figure some things out on his own….with me safely and obsessively watching the baby monitor, of course.
