I Quit Breastfeeding To Save My Sanity

I Quit Breastfeeding To Save My Sanity

If you had told me before having kids that breastfeeding would be the hardest thing about motherhood, I might not have believed you. After all, we constantly hear how natural breastfeeding is. Shouldn’t it just click for all of us? Like so many women, my breastfeeding journey has been one that felt less natural, relaxing, and peaceful and more harrowing, stressful, and discouraging. Not exactly what I imagined pre-kids. 

I went into my third birth with the most optimism. Armed with lactation cookies, Liquid Gold supplements, a hakka, and a hospital-grade pump, I felt like knowledge and preparation were on my side. But even though my milk came in on day two and my baby latched beautifully, I encountered an issue I didn’t expect – oversupply. I had only made just enough breast milk for my other two babies, so an oversupply seemed like a great problem. Except it wasn’t. 

My oversupply was married with a strong letdown, which translated into my baby getting way too much air, not enough hindmilk, and struggling with gas.

In the first few weeks, I was convinced she had a dairy intolerance and made myself live off of only bread, air, and anxiety. I was losing weight and wasn’t getting enough calories to sustain energy. The other mental wrecking ball was how trapped I felt. Trying to live life with two active children while breastfeeding a newborn isn’t easy for anyone, much less someone struggling with postpartum depression. 

I tried a myriad of different tactics to regulate my supply, including home visits from lactation consultants, pumping more, pumping less, and just about everything in between. 

Two months in, I knew I needed to make a change. My mental health was disintegrating fast.

Giving up breastfeeding came with a load of guilt.

I felt guilty over not nursing longer with my last baby and guilty over giving up when I finally made enough milk. But you know how you have to put on your own oxygen mask first? I knew that this was the right decision to be healthy for my daughter and present for my other two children. 

One month later, I can attest that we’re all in a much better mental space. My baby is thriving with formula and is no longer gassy. Every mom should have support for the path they choose – nursing or formula feeding. If one of those paths does not work, they should have the support needed to switch. Fed is always best, no matter if it comes in a bottle or boobie.