When Telling the Truth Hurts Your Child

hamster 2My 7.5 year old’s hamster died. She was over 3 years old, past her life expectancy already, and honestly, not extraordinarily well taken care of. Since we got a dog this past November, my son has been focusing a lot of attention on his dog and not enough on the hamster. Sometimes I find her water bottle really low or her food dish turned over. I’ve reminded him many times that she might die if he doesn’t remember to take really good care of her, especially now that she’s so old. I try to help him remember, because as an adult, I know I am ultimately responsible.

Today, I was sitting by her cage, consoling an injured 6 year old, when I noticed the water bottle was empty. I called to my oldest to fill it up when I saw the hamster, eyes closed, lying in the bedding. I reached in and poked her and she didn’t move. With eyes filled with tears, I asked everyone to leave the room and called my oldest (who was filling the water) back in the room. I contemplated for a moment what story to tell or how to word it. Then I decided to tell him the truth. That his hamster had died, and it was likely because she had gone a few days without water, and for an old hamster, she couldn’t survive that.

I wanted to back out and take away all the blame after he became hamster-113069_1280hysterical. I wanted to make it better and to tell him she died of old age, but in reality I knew that it wasn’t entirely true. I wanted to take him to the store and get him a new hamster. I wanted to fix it. In the end, I let him hurt. I consoled him and I tried to be understanding. I cried with him. I helped him decorate her paper bag coffin and helped him bury her. Did I make it easy for him? No. I let him feel the pain. I let him be partially responsible. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done – and it hurts.

About Tara Rosenkranz

Tara bioOriginally from Ballston Lake, New York, Tara now lives in New Orleans with with her husband and three children (and baby #4 coming in August). She received her B.S. in Business Management and M.S. in Education, and currently works as a full-time Financial Analyst. Tara enjoys everything from crafting & creating, to reading, strategy & organization, to party planning, coffee and Oreo’s. During Mardi Gras (her favorite time of year), you will find her people-watching, figuring out whose turn it is to ride on Papi’s shoulders and dodging beads to-the-head.

 

5 COMMENTS

  1. You know… this is a hard one. There is no perfect answer on how to deal with situations like this because there isn’t one solution with an “all good” result. But, I have to agree with this approach. If we don’t let our children experience failure, disappointment, hurt or any of the other negative feelings that we inherently want to protect them from, they will never learn some of life’s most important lessons. I would put money on the fact that this little boy has learned something very valuable about responsibility and will address situations in the future differently because he has learned about consequences. The key here is to make sure that this experience doesn’t scar him in some way, and it seems this mother already gets that.You comfort, reassure and make sure they understand that, while this was likely something that could have been avoided, mistakes happen and life is about learning from them and making the right choices the next time. RIP Whiskers, you did not die in vain!

  2. I agree that you handled this correctly. I personally lied to my daughter when the first hamster died, replaced the second with a look alike and finally let her know the truth with the third. Tough lesson but needs to be done.

    • Becky – I really think it depends on the age and maturity level of the child – in my case, I thought he was at the right point to be able to “handle” the truth. I laughed out loud when you said you replaced the second with a look alike – I can see you sneaking in like a ninja to replace the hamster in the middle of the night. You’re a trooper! Thanks for the positive feedback!

  3. Becky – I really think it depends on the age and maturity level of the child – in my case, I thought he was at the right point to be able to “handle” the truth. I laughed out loud when you said you replaced the second with a look alike – I can see you sneaking in like a ninja to replace the hamster in the middle of the night. You’re a trooper! Thanks for the positive feedback!

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