Sprucing up with the contents of your minivan.
You’ve just been for a long run, are sweaty, and haven’t washed your hair in three days when your phone alarm reminds you about that parent teacher conference you have in fifteen minutes. You forgot your purse at home and now need a makeover with what is in your minivan.
You’ve foraged the following: orange peels, Starbucks napkins, dry mascara, wipes, a dry-cleaning bag full of suits and shirts, donation boxes, a disposable fork, crayons, pencils, tubes of half used chapstick, gum, and one half opened peppermint, and a chopstick.
With these glorious finds from the floorboard collected, let’s get ready.
Turn that van A/C on high and lean forward, holding up your arms to catch the breeze. Repeat with face and hair. If you’re going to get ready quickly, you’ve got to temper your epidural faucet. Diapers and unfurled tampons are your best bet for absorbing excess sweat/moisture as you play freeze out.
At any point in time, there are at least 4-5 different types of wipes in a mom mobile: baby wipes, Kleen Hanz, Armorall, Clorox wipes, Boogie Wipes. Also, Starbucks napkins + water = wipes. If you’ve used it to clean up your baby, children, car or countertops, it can be used to wipe under arms, your neck, sweaty lower back, in between and under boobs, and your face. (I do NOT recommend using anything other than the baby wipes, Kleen Hanz or Boogie Wipes for faces. *Funny* story. Different post.)
After masking the perfume of your workout, the dry-cleaning bag and four boxes of donations you’ve been driving around with for four weeks are the new Dillard’s. If you are like me, you pretty much live in workout pants or jeans, so a button up shirt from the dry-cleaning bag is ideal for throwing on with the sleeves rolled up. If this doesn’t work, something from the donation boxes is going to make its way back into circulation. Discard sweaty running shirt in Ziploc/grocery bag.
Hopefully, that fork you found is clean-ish. If not, use a wipe on it. Now, flip your head over and comb your hair out using fork, fingers, or both. Really massage those roots. You need some body for the bun you’re about to make. Flip your head back over and comb (with your fingers) and twist your hair into bun toward the top of your head. Using bobby pins, a twisty or the rogue chopstick, secure the bun. Look in the visor mirror or rearview mirror and touch up using fork to lift off balance spots (like a hair pick). Messy buns are in right now.
Crayons are the godsend of the messy minivan. The most useful colors being brown and red. Use the brown to fill in brows and as eyeshadow. Color lips with the red and apply a little of the melted chapstick from the half-empty tube found under your child’s car seat. You are half way towards full makeup. Obviously, color choices will depend on what you have scavenged from the crevices and floor boards. Don’t be afraid to be bold with your new beauty product.
Pencils make good eyeliner. It’s important to remember that the tip is DULL before applying. Trust me, that’s a one-time mistake. And apply with the side of the point, not the tip. You can try markers, but like liquid eyeliner, they tend to get messy. They are also harder to wash off.
Open the dried out mascara you found in the console. Drip water into the tube. Pump the applicator in and out. Repeat until mascara is applicable. Apply.
Take the orange peel you found in the back seat and put it in a cup with some water. If you’ve found reconstituted grapes in a toddler’s cup holder before, then you know the orange peel will be ripe for application after several minutes. Everybody loves the smell of oranges. Rub rehydrated peel on wrists and behind ears on neck. Eau de l’orange is the new Chanel No.5.
Freshen (your breath).
Chew that gum WITH the peppermint and swallow. It will NOT stay in your stomach for seven years but it will mint-ify that bacteria in the back of your throat.
You are now ready for your child’s school conference. Go get ‘em, Minivan Momma.