Ten Years Later

Ten years ago last month, I found out I was pregnant for a second time. This time getting pregnant wasn’t as easy as the first, so seeing those 2 pink lines after TTC for 10 months was very exciting.
I still remember the morning so vividly. I woke up and took a test and it was positive but I couldn’t believe just one test. So I stopped on the way to work at a Walgreens to get another test. I texted my friend the news and told her I would update her after taking the second test. Once I got to work, I took another test and it was positive. I was ecstatic!
A few weeks went by until my first doctors appointment and the secret news of this blessing really made the holidays much brighter. However, after my appointment I left feeling confused and helpless. All the dreams I’ve had for this baby seemed to just shatter.
In my ultrasound it showed that I was having a suspected ectopic pregnancy. I remember hearing the phrases but not entirely realizing what this all meant. I was told to make an appointment for another ultrasound in a week to confirm.
The days dragged on and I had highs and lows. The next appointment confirmed that I was having an ectopic pregnancy. My Christmas just turned blue.
I attended our family Christmas with knowing that I had to go to the hospital the next day to receive methotrexate which essentially terminates the pregnancy. While I tried to be happy and joyful for my son who was 2, I was heart broken on the inside. It’s very hard to fake a smile during all of this but I wanted to make sure Christmas for him was special.
The days that came after Christmas were full of emotional and physical pain. Knowing that my body was terminating the pregnancy was a lot to mentally absorb. My hopes of this baby were dwindling and I cried buckets.
As I sit here now 10 years later, I can’t help but wonder what my baby would be like now. Was this baby a boy or a girl? Would this baby look like their big brother or would he or she have dark hair like me? My mind can ask a thousand possible questions but I’ll sadly never get the answer.
I’ve since had two precious boys that made our family a party of 5. I certainly can’t imagine life without them. However, I’ll never forget my baby that I never got to meet and until that day comes; I’ll always wonder what could have been
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Mary is a caffeine addicted boy mom to Noah, Liam and Luke. This “stay at home” mom can typically been found cruising in her minivan, jamming to Beyonce with a Starbucks in hand on her way to carpool or after school activities. Mary has been married to her high school sweetheart since 2007. She is a founder of Delivering Hope NOLA and the Vanessa Wolff Scholarship Fund at her Alma Mater. Mary is passionate in the local preemie community and has been heavily involved with the March of Dimes since her sons Liam and Luke were born premature.

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