Raising Good Children Without God: My Role as an Atheist Parent
Author’s Note :: this article is highly sensitive, personal, and raw in nature. The opinions and beliefs here are my own, based on my life journey. I am sharing my heart with the hope that everyone will take something from my experience and perspective, and I’d love to hear from you if you can respectfully disagree OR can relate to my words.
I am about to put in black and white what I’ve only uttered to handful of people in my life:
I do not believe in God.
I’ve only told a few people out of fear that I will be harshly judged for my beliefs. Maybe I shouldn’t care what others think, but I do. Maybe someday I’ll feel comfortable enough to step out of the atheism closet, but for now I sit happily in the confines of a conviction that I’ve only revealed to a select few. I am an atheist, and despite the feeling that word evokes for a lot of people, I’m a good person.
I wasn’t raised in a particular religion, and as a child I never knew what to say when people asked me what religion I was. I sought advice from my parents who suggested that I say that I was a Christian. So then the conversation went something like this:
Stranger: “What religion are you?”
Me: “Christian.”
Stranger: “Yeah, I know – but what kind, Baptist, Catholic, Methodist…?”
Me: “Just Christian.”
It always left me feeling a bit uneasy … was I a Christian?
As a child, we celebrated Christian holidays, we sang Happy Birthday to Jesus on Christmas, we learned about the resurrection of Christ on Easter, my parents told me that good people go to Heaven after they die, and I even remember praying to God. Somewhere along the way though, I realized that I don’t share in the faith. I changed my answer from “I’m a Christian” to “I appreciate all faiths, but I don’t identify with one” mainly because it sounds a lot better than “I’m an atheist.” And yes, I realize that one doesn’t have to be religious in order to believe in God, so let me be clear — I don’t believe there is an ultimate creator. I don’t believe that we are given a life that comes with a judgment day when our time on Earth is done. I choose to be a good person not because I believe if I am I’ll find eternal happiness in the after-life; I choose to be a good person because it’s who I am and it’s who I was raised to be.
My husband and I are on the same page as far as our faith, or lack thereof, goes. We know our child will soon be old enough to start asking questions, and I want to be prepared when the time comes. I think for now I will reply to the questions with questions:
“Mommy, where do people go after they die?”
“No one really knows for sure. What do you believe?”
I know the situations will get more complicated and the questions will eventually get harder, but that’s my plan for now.
I would be completely supportive if my son found a religion that spoke to him one day because I think that unquestionably believing what you know to be true is comforting. I spent almost 30 years of my life in the questioning place until I came to terms with what I believe, and it was so freeing to admit it, even if only to myself. I respect that my parents never pushed their beliefs on my siblings and me, and I can only hope to not influence my son into believing the way I do just because I’m his mom. I think all too often we are taught what to believe rather than believing what we feel in our heart, and I want my son to decide what feels right to him. I also know that he will look to me to guide him. Is telling a small child that you don’t believe in God like stealing from them a sense of faith and certainty that so many others take comfort in? At the same time, I don’t think it is better to lie about what I believe in an attempt to protect his innocence. So, I choose to be honest with him, and teach him the best way I know how to grow into a decent and good man. I will teach him about love, tolerance, and the golden rule not by showing him a verse in the bible, but by setting the example and showing him that I accept people no matter their social class, profession, beliefs, or race.
So yes, I’m an atheist, but before you judge me or feel sorry for me or pray for me because you think I just haven’t seen the light yet … stop. I don’t think less of you because you believe something different than me. Being an atheist doesn’t mean I’m anti-god, it just means I don’t believe there is such a thing. Respect me for my beliefs because I certainly respect you for yours.
Something to think about. I hope your offer your children the same respect if they choose to believe.
From the article “I would be completely supportive if my son found a religion that spoke to him one day because I think that unquestionably believing what you know to be true is comforting.” – looks like the poster has already thought of that.
A beautiful sunset, powerful thunder, Redbud trees blooming….a million other examples!! Creation is SCREAMING there is a Creator. God loves you all and I am so sorry some of you have had bad experiences. God changed my life and by trusting Him and believing His promises, He continues to change me. ?
I love love love this. I am a Christian and my husband is Atheist. Our family is very supportive of it.
My son is 9 and does ask questions and at first was very confused that daddy didn’t believe. We live in the South, “bible belt” as some call it.
We have both talked to our son and told him not to shame anyone for their beliefs because we would not want him shamed for his. He knows and understands who believes what. We explain both sides and our reasoning for our belief or lack there of. We want him to make the decision that is right for him and not to be pressured into believing a certain way. It is nice to know that others have these same feelings. We always feel awkward telling people my husband is atheist, the first conclusion they jump to is devil worshiper. I wish it was more socially acceptible. Thank you again for sharing.
We live in the very conservative south and have found refuge in the Unitarian Universalist tradition. It accepts all people including non-believers, atheist and humanist. Might be worth a look for a place to raise your children’s in a safe community of seekers.
In love, I believe some things stated in the post goes against the very logic of reasoning. I’m definitely not fishing for an argument. Hear me out, it’s one thing to say I can’t explain how all these things came into being, but can we truly say ‘there is no God.’ As for me, I don’t raise my children to be good because there is nothing good about me/them. By teaching them the CHARACTERISTICS of God, I raise them to be righteous. Not by works of the flesh but by what is imputed to them through the teaching of God’s word, scripture. The is the standard by which I ALSO live and am held to, His truth. So in your own reasoning, if someone comes along and robs you…there should be no justice, it’s all relative. According to the thief he is justified in his own mind to take what he/she wants. Why should they consider you? By who’s standard are YOU measuring them by? Sounds like a DOUBLE one.
The burden of proof is on you. As for humanity, the evidence of God is everywhere and in everything. The standard of goodness comes from God! It’s the very reason why we say we need a Savior, Jesus, because none of us measure up!
In love, I believe this post goes against the very logic of reasoning. I’m definitely not fishing for an argument. Hear me out, it’s one thing to say I can’t explain how all these things came into being, but can we truly say ‘there is no God.’ As for me, I don’t raise my children to be good because there is nothing good about me/them. By teaching them the CHARACTERISTICS of God, I raise them to be righteous. Not by works of the flesh but by what is imputed to them through the teaching of God’s word, scripture. The is the standard by which I ALSO live and am held to, His truth. So in your own reasoning, if someone comes along and robs you…there should be no justice, it’s all relative. According to the thief he is justified in his own mind to take what he/she wants. Why should they consider you? By who’s standard are YOU measuring them by? Sounds like a DOUBLE one.
The burden of proof is on you. As for humanity, the evidence of God is everywhere and in everything. The standard of goodness comes from God! It’s the very reason why we say we need a Savior, Jesus, because none of us measure up!
This is amazing! Thank you for writing this and standing up for the very few of us. Beautifully written and makes so much sense. So many questions for someone who is wanting to have children and doesn’t know how to talk about religion. Thank you so much,
Just leaving this here. https://jezebel.com/godless-parents-are-doing-a-better-job-1682844001
Very glad to read this. My beliefs match yours exactly but I have had a hard time putting then into words. It’s especially hard with my sister whose faith in God has grown in recent years. She cannot understand how I could feel the way I do & it makes me uncomfortable. I fear that this could drive a wedge into our relationship.
Thank you for this. I was raised Catholic, my family would use guilt to try to control me. I just feel that religious people are just bullies. I treat each and everyone with respect and love. But that is not good enough. I much happier and I’m raising my children to have morals and empathy. Thanks again