1. Holy crap. I’m 40.
2. We were watching “The Great Outdoors” the other night. Both my husband and I said, “Wow, John Candy and Dan Aykroyd look old in this movie. I wonder how old they were.” Look it up on IMDB; they were 38. Um, so now we are older than they were.
3. Whiskers. Yes, you read that correctly. Whiskers. On my face. What the hell? I get cat whiskers, except on my chin, cheek, etc. And they are hard to pluck.
4. I find myself finding brilliant life advice from Disney movies. Seriously. My biggest mantra as of late, I channel Elsa and “Let it GO!”
5. When we hang out with our other adult friends, our conversations are starting to revolve around 401K plans, health insurance rates, and retirement plans.
6. Daily sunscreen on my face has been life changing. I got carded at the grocery the other day and the girl told me, “You don’t look 39! I thought you were maybe in your 20’s.” Thank you, Supergoop.
7. If someone or something doesn’t bring joy to my life, these days, I don’t bother. Ain’t nobody got time for ‘dat.
8. I really want to eat that slice of pizza. But this is where want vs. need comes into play. I really want to taste that salty, divine experience that is extra pepperoni and the stretchy factor of mozzarella cheese on my tongue, but do I need the awful experience of nausea, sour stomach, and even potentially, frequent trips to the restroom that go with it?
9. Same goes with drinking a beer or a hard cider. Is it really worth it to me? 99.9% of the time, it isn’t anymore.
10. I hurt my back when I got out of bed the other day. What the heck is up with that?
11. The more I have aged, the more I realize I just don’t give a crap. I’d like to think the more I age, I’ll be that cool granny wearing whatever the hell she wants because she just doesn’t give a damn about what other people think. Life goals … definitely.
12. I’d like to think that as I get older, I’m like a great Parmigiano Reggiano, I just get better with age. Or like a La Crema Pinot Noir. Or. even better, a highball of Macallan 65 Scotch on the rocks.
13. Mammograms. Enough said.
14. As I get older, I get more empathetic. I have realized that having a child softened me and I’m more open to more viewpoints and perspective. I believe that having a child made me a better person, but also age has given me wisdom and compassion.
15. Also, did you know that being bossy, demanding and rude will get you nowhere? It may seem like people are doing what you want them to do, but it is really likely that they do not really like you if you treat them that way. I have found that being collaborative and working with others toward a common goal is the way to go!
16. I keep finding random gray hairs on my head. Like seriously, gray hair?
17. I was recently diagnosed with facet joint syndrome. It’s arthritis. ARTHRITIS.
18. It really sucks when you or someone you know has already lost a parent or a spouse. Mortality seems to become more real the further in age we become. Heart attacks, cancer, etc. seem more evident now and you no longer feel like you are invincible against this stuff. It really sucks.
19. I don’t talk about politics much with people because, in my 40 years of life experience, I’ve realized that it isn’t very likely they are going to change their perspective. This has been so evident the last few years!
20. It’s all just stuff. I tell myself that all. The. Time. Things can be replaced, except for the people we love.
21. I heard “Smells like Teen Spirit” the other day on the CLASSIC ROCK STATION. Nirvana is NOT classic rock.
22. Being nice doesn’t cost anything, and it is worth everything.
23. Being a jerk can cost you everything, and it is worth nothing.
24. Sixteen Candles is one of the greatest movies ever made. I’m still waiting for Jake Ryan to pull up in his red Porsche and say “yeah, you!”
25. Colonoscopies. Ew.
26. It is inevitable that when I have the best laid out plans, something will happen to derail them.
27. I never discount what my child says, because believe it or not, a 5 year old can teach us a lot about life, love, and acceptance.
28. Speaking of acceptance, I must recite the serenity prayer at least once a day.
29. One of my dreams, as a 40 year old woman, is to go to bed early, sleep ALL NIGHT with no interruptions (meaning no bathroom breaks, no strange noises, no racing thoughts, no disturbing dreams, no kid climbing into bed with you). It happens so rarely now; it would feel like an amazing gift!
30. If you’re not passing someone, stay in the right lane. Trust me on that.
31. Whoever invented the heating pad was a genius. I think I have 3 or 4. You can never have too many heating pads, especially the older you get, right?
32. How much longer until I can retire?
33. I find myself often picking out pants with elastic waistbands. Is this my first step toward the “older” set?
34. Sometimes you have to make a lot of noise to make a positive change.
35. Nothing is ever really free, unfortunately.
36. Sometimes cheaper isn’t always better, either … especially with things like pots or appliances.
37. Every year, I treat myself to a facial for my birthday. I encourage every woman out there to do this for yourself, you deserve it. I said so.
38. Always remember to look out for yourself first. Or fill your cup, or put the oxygen mask on so you can help those around you. You can’t take care of your kids, husband, home, unless YOU are taken care of. (I have to remind myself of this often.)
39. Never forget to tell your people you love them. Do it every day. You’ll never regret it.
40. Holy crap. I’m really 40.