The Secret Thoughts of the Divorced Mom

There is a whole different behind-the-scenes world that is unique to the mom who does not have a partner in the home, in my case the divorced mom. Individually, these moments are meaningless. Collectively, my experiences are vastly different from what I observe from the “mainstream married mom.” These are moments in my divorced life that have been a secret … until now.

1. We don’t want your husbands. That’s it. There is not much more explanation to it.

2. I think some wives complain too much about small things about their husbands. I understand I don’t live with him and some of my boyfriend’s habits can make me crazy. But I do not discuss it / chat about it / text about it. My observation is that more than needed energy is spent on small infractions such as snoring and leaving the toilet seat up … or just being a bumbling clueless man. I look back and could have been a better wife; one way would have been letting up a bit, and being a bit more gracious about where I felt he could be better. So I am trying to be a better partner with my boyfriend, including not nitpicking him. 

3. As the only adult in the house, it’s always all on me. I understand I made this choice, but it is a big transition to be the numero uno pesos who is the doer and ensurer of all things.

There is no one else to kill the roaches, snake the drain, put the heavy and tedious amount of decorations back into the attic, put up the Christmas lights, wrap the pipes, clean up the vomit… No one to notice, help, or thank us.

Certainly, as the kids get older, they can help with some chores. But you are still always the sole and only adult. It can be a heavy burden.

4. Please set us up with your cousin’s cute single co-worker. I am grateful for my boyfriend. I love him. But oof, there were plenty of duds and embarrassing dating app fails before him. Yes, most divorced women are rocking it at life. We have careers, we are glowing, and we have full lives. But a girl’s got needs and we’re too proud to ask, “Know anyone?” Please offer and show our BEST picture to people you think we should meet!

5. We still sometimes feel we stick out like sore thumbs around married couples with kids. Thank you for including us, sitting by us, and still being our friends. But it stinks sometimes to be around married couples because we feel we don’t belong.

Everyone is with their husband, or at least walks in together and leaves together. It is painful to see what we were but for whatever reason, we are no longer. You all leave arm in arm to your car and we’re going back alone. He brings the ladder and chairs out to save your Mardi Gras spot and hauls the heavy ice chest. You all watch parades together, and I appreciate you letting us join you. Mostly we’re okay and good, it is just sometimes in the back of our minds … we’re sad.

6. Earlier I lamented about being the solo adult in the home, this is the flip side. We get to do literally whatever we want with our homes. Floral curtains in the bedroom? Yes. White oversized armchair? Whatever I want. Dog? I’m the boss! Rearrange the furniture? Whenever I feel like it. There is something fabulous about being able to decorate, arrange, and manage the house.

7. Remember when feeling like a 3rd wheel around married couples? Flip side, it can be so fun to be someone’s girlfriend again! Hehe! Not only is this the chance to grow as a person and be a better partner, but it’s FUN! We’re not married, so most of our time together is when my kids are with their dad. No kids fighting, no needing to lock the door, and be quiet. We hold hands, blow kisses, and have a lot more sex than when married. We’ve been together for three years and I am committed that doesn’t change.

We get used to being alone. Sometimes the feeling is peaceful and sometimes it is lonely. But we’re used to it now and it is entirely on us to do something about it – only if we want. 😉

Julie Couret
Nola Native, Julie Couret is Mom of Emma Mae (12) & Helen (10) and partner to her long term boyfriend Tom. She co-parents with her ex-husband & is known for candid posts on her life behind the scenes. Julie is self-employed an Executive Coach who works with business owners leading strategic planning sessions, management training, leadership development, and change management. She loves road trips with her kids, playing tourist in her own city, and riding in her parade Krewe Cleopatra!


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