Recently, a friend of mine posed the question to our group “How often are you intimate with your partner? How often is it amazing? And do you ever feel obligated?” Admittedly, I blushed a little the first time I read the question. After all, “moms aren’t supposed to talk about those things.” But then the answers started pouring in! The answers varied, but by and large, it appeared that most couples were intimate multiple times a week…and it was good! There were a few who answered less often, and only a few who answered that they felt obligated. I had answered that we were intimate multiple times a week and that yes, most of the time it was amazing. But it hasn’t always been that way.
My partner and I have been together for over a decade, and we were friends for almost 2 decades prior to that. But surprisingly our sex life started out a bit anti-climactic. It wasn’t that it was bad because it’s never been bad. It just wasn’t mind-blowing in the beginning. So, when another friend on the thread chimed in with a follow up question about whether we think intimacy is something that can be “worked on” and “changed,” I had this to say…
For my partner and I, it’s only gotten better through the years. I attribute this to communication. In the beginning, I was too shy to say “no I don’t like that” or “I like it when you do…” I was raised Catholic, and a “good Catholic girl doesn’t act like that.” We certainly don’t give into our desires openly and in a manner that is forthcoming. So, I spent the first years of our relationship expressing none of the above. I didn’t complain if I didn’t get off, and I most certainly didn’t ask for or engage in anything outside the realm of vanilla.
I honestly don’t think it was until I was pregnant (pregnancy sex … am I right?!) that I started being more vocal about my desires. Since then, the communication and the orgasms have been flowing. We are both more open about our desires, dislikes, and needs. And while the sex is not mind-blowing every single time, I can honestly say that we always walk away very satisfied. It’s also made us more creative and open to trying new things in the bedroom. Things I never in a million years would have tried in my earlier years.
It’s like our sex life has aged like a fine wine. We both are more comfortable in our bodies. (This is something I feel is especially important for postpartum women), and confident in ourselves in general. We know each other more intimately now (on so many levels) that we also feel more comfortable experimenting. And there is no shame in our discussions. In fact, one of the more fun things we have tried is an app called Spicer.
This app has a shared account between you and your partner. Each day, you both get a question about various intimate acts. You each answer “yes” or “no.” The app will then alert you to all the answers you both answered “yes” to. If both of you do not answer yes, nothing happens. So … you can say “yes” to something that you may feel embarrassed about and your partner will never know unless they also answer yes. But I bet you’d be surprised at the things you’re both curious about. It has made for a very fun year.
All this to say, I think those of us who are in the 35 and up category are doing alright. In fact, if the thread between my friends and I is any indication of the successes of middle-aged sex life … I’d say we might just be in our prime.