How did this happen? Did I do something? She must hate me. These are the things that grow through my mind on a regular basis. This is the one person in my whole world, I thought our friendship would last forever. How do you survive a friendship falling apart in your 40s? Unless there is a major crisis or a tremendous breach of trust, I really assumed that by the time I was in my 40s any friends I had coming from high school would still be in my life.
I did more than assume with this one friend, I would’ve bet my life on it.
Let’s call her Margaret.
Margaret meant more to me than my own immediate family. She was by my side when my children were born, from my wedding to my divorce. Margaret moved away for a while and I moved away for a while and crisscross back and forth.
We have both been back for a while now in the same city.
Was I naïve to assume and to take for granted her friendship? Should I have called more? Did I not nurture our friendship? I did not realize that the friendship was over until after eight months of repeatedly reaching out, I got no response.
Just writing this word is so hard, is the friendship over? Am I excepting this? There is still very much a part of me where the door is wide open and I hope she’ll walk back into it any moment now. I feel like if she does not want to speak with me, there must be something I’ve done. I won’t think about her for a while, the song will come on the radio and it will transport me back to our 20s. Before I know it, I’ll find myself crying in my car. I think what’s even worse, is the fear of running into her around town. How will she react? In my mind, I feel like this must be my fault.
How do you come to terms with the loss of an adult friendship? Whatever wrong I may have done, I wish for the chance to mend it. Or, has nothing drastically terrible happened and she’s just outgrown me? She just feels that we’re different and doesn’t have the heart to tell me that. Maybe that acknowledgment is just too intimate, and she doesn’t want to be intimate with me anymore.
Around and around my mind circles this situation.
We are still connected on social media, but I have temporarily hidden her from my timeline. My heart hurts when I see an occasional post from her, other friends tagging her in new memories. New friends.
I also see old friends with her, which pains me even more, how did I not make the cut? Unless I’ve done something so awful to have this person not want me in their life. I very much believe in boundaries and cutting out toxic relationships. Was I toxic to her? if anything, I feel like I might have been absent. Distracted by my own life.
What saddens me above all… I am getting used to not having her in my life.