Dear Husband :: I Won’t Shame You
I am divorced and remarried. It’s not a badge of honor (that’s for sure) but it does afford me the opportunity to look back and see behaviors from my previous marriage that I know better than to repeat this time around. One thing I won’t do again is publicly shame my husband. I’m not saying make flyers of the cabinets he leaves open and post them around the neighborhood; I mean *smack-talking.*
Let’s be clear – I’m not talking about the girlfriend I rant to when he does something that boils my blood. I NEED those few outlets to sort through my feelings, so that – and this is the most important part – I can tell him what’s bothering me.
So here’s my promise to my husband.
In learning from my past and deciding on the person I want to become; for me, for him and for our children, I vow NEVER to:
- Smack-talk you on social media. This deteriorates our relationship by inviting the world to see my one-sided perspective on the kind of person I think you are for that brief moment. Because leaving the toaster on 5 resulting in me burning my toast was, in fact, the end of the world during my hormonal flux of a pregnancy. I am certain to forgive you, feel terrible for crying and want to delete the post anyway.
- Sit around and have one-sided conversations about your faults with my girlfriends. Doing this doesn’t allow you the opportunity to express your viewpoint or sorrow or regret or that you might disagree. Honestly, I really hope you don’t sit around with your buddies saying how sucky I am either… In those moments of frustration, I want to be able to express myself, but in a healthy way – not just a bitch session.
- Call any male friend to complain, ever. Just trust me here – this never ends well, even if it takes years. Trust is diminished and strange feelings develop. Loyalty is undermined. It’s just bad ju-ju.
- Involve unnecessary opinions and random people to help prove my point. I will call our counselor if something remains unsettled and I feel like I need to talk. I will use a safe, objective outlet to help me see things clearly.
What about the husband that had turned to another woman to complain about you? Because you were so busy with your Childern, laundry, dishes etc?
Something I learned from my last marriage is that I have zero control over what my spouse chooses to do, but I have complete control over my own actions. My ex and I used to fight because when we thought the other wasn’t giving enough, we’d shut down or give less, which just perpetuated the problem. This time around, I’m committing to be responsible for my self and not blame my reactions on his actions.
I have honestly found that counseling to help us talk to each other effectively reduced the chances that either party felt the need to complain to someone else about marital issues. We have guidelines and expectations set in counseling to help us feel safe and comfortable talking to each other and not letting the little things build up. Trust me, we are NOT perfect and definitely argue, but my hope for these promises was that they would help me remember to bring the issue to the person it should be brought up to : him.