Breaking Out of the Roommate Phase :: How 10 Minutes of Connection Transformed My Marriage

Marriage is a journey filled with ups and downs, and sometimes, without even realizing it, you can find yourself stuck in what many call the “roommate phase.” It’s that point where life becomes more about logistics and less about love, where the daily grind overshadows the spark that brought you together. For us, this occurred after each pregnancy with the struggles of postpartum depression. But we found a way out, and I want to share what helped us, in the hopes that it might help others too.

The Small Things

First, it’s important to recognize and appreciate the small things. In our marriage, simple gestures of gratitude went a long way. Saying “thank you” for picking up the kids, for doing the dishes, or for bathing the kids so I could take a shower — these acknowledgments helped us feel seen and appreciated. Recognizing the routine efforts each of us put in every day reminded us that we were still a team, working together, even when things felt mundane or overwhelming.

Gratitude Journal

Another tool that made a difference was keeping a gratitude journal. It’s easy to focus on the negatives, especially when you’re exhausted or stressed, but writing down positive moments shifted my mindset. This practice wasn’t just about noting big events; it was about appreciating the little victories and joys that often go unnoticed. Research shows that focusing on the positive can significantly improve your mood and outlook, and it certainly did for me.

Finding Myself

Finding time for myself was also crucial. I started waking up early before everyone else, which gave me a few precious moments of peace. Whether it was exercising, reading, or writing in my gratitude journal, this “me time” helped me reconnect with myself and find a sense of calm amidst the chaos.

The Game Changer

But the most transformative practice we adopted was something I learned from a counselor: 10 minutes of cuddling in bed at the end of every day. This simple act of physical touch, without discussing responsibilities or to-do lists, made a world of difference. We talked about fun things, shared our dreams, or sometimes just cuddled in silence. Those 10 minutes became a sacred time for us to reconnect, to remember why we fell in love, and to enjoy each other’s presence without the weight of daily stressors.

It’s amazing how such a small change can have such a big impact. Our counselor suggested that we didn’t necessarily need couples therapy to fix our marriage, but rather, we needed to create intentional moments of connection. For me, with physical touch being one of my love languages, these moments of closeness were incredibly healing. They reminded us both that we were partners in more than just the logistics of life; we were partners in love and companionship.

Happily Ever After

Now, years later, we’re happier and more connected than ever. Our marriage is in the best shape it’s ever been, and I truly believe that these small changes made all the difference. I’m not saying this will work for everyone, but it worked for us, and I hope it might help others too. If you find yourself in the roommate phase, know that there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes, it takes just a little effort to bring back the spark and remind each other of the love that brought you together in the first place.

Marriage isn’t always easy, but with a little gratitude, some intentional connection, and a lot of love, you can break out of the roommate phase and rediscover the joy of being together.