It is increasingly common for bloggers to write about people who annoy them. Sometimes it is open letter to people who mispronounce the word mischievous. Sometimes it is a list of things not to say (Did you know that fat people don’t want your diet advice? And please don’t be sensitive. I can say “fat people” because I am one. That’s how political correctness works. Wait, let me check with my gay and black friends to make sure that’s right.).
Sometimes these posts make me laugh. Sometimes these posts make me roll my eyes (I mean, c’mon! Some people are offended by everything we say!). Over the past few months, I have started to write posts about the people who annoy me, but then I got to thinking about all of the people who are annoyed by me. So before I write a post about people who annoy me, I figured I should apologize to some of the people whom I annoy.
1. To the lady who stood too close to me in line at the store:
I apologize for repeatedly hitting you with my purse. I was attempting to illustrate that you were in my personal space. However, before audibly sighing as I struck you with my purse, I should have thought about the reason why you kept bumping into me. Maybe your personal space bubble is smaller than mine. Maybe you were distracted because you were having a bad day and didn’t realize what you were doing. Or maybe you were just lonely and missing the human touch? Next time instead of hitting you with my purse, maybe I’ll give you a hug. And then politely ask you to NEVER bump into me again.
2. To the person talking in the movie theater:
I apologize for the time I asked you to stop talking. And for the multiple times I craned my neck to give you the evil eye. It must have been distracting for you to see my head constantly whipping back and a forth during the movie. I would especially like to apologize to the man who grumbled that I was “staring him down the whole time” when he left the 4:00 pm showing of Into the Woods at the Elmwood Palace on Friday, December 26th. You were just trying to talk to your companion about the difference between gold and silver during a pivotal scene, and there I was rudely “staring you down.”
3. To the people reading this blog:
I started this post out by saying that I was going to apologize to the people who are annoyed by me and then I got all sarcastic on you. I apologize that the first two apologies in this post were actually just me venting about people who annoy me. I will stop doing that.
4. To the people with whom I’ve been hypocritical:
I apologize for all of the times (and there have been MANY) when I have complained about people being passive-aggressive only to turn around and be passive-aggressive myself. Including the correct pronunciation of “mischievous” in the introduction paragraph is a great example of how it is hypocritical for me to call people passive-aggressive. Next time I hear someone mispronounce it, I’ll tell them to his/her face. (And then suggest to them that “some” people get upset when their friends/family don’t read the posts they write on mom blogs…kidding!)
5. To my husband:
I am sorry that I often change my mind when it comes to paint colors AFTER the painting job is completed. They really did seem like the perfect colors on the swatch, but when they got on the walls/cabinets, they just didn’t look quite right. I would also like to apologize for my hair. I am sorry for not pulling it out of the drain. I am sorry that no matter how much I try to pick it up after I blow-dry it, our floors are inevitably covered in a Marie hair carpet. And I apologize for telling you that you look evil without gel in your hair when my hair is usually piled on top of my head in a frizzy mess reminiscent of the “before” pictures on shampoo commercials.
6. And finally, to my toddler son:
I annoy you in so many ways that this could take all day. Let me just start by apologizing to you for not letting you jump off of the sofa, for not letting you watch Caillou 24 hours a day, and for making you take a nap when all you want to do is run around with sticks in your hand. I’ll save the rest for another post.
*This post was running too long for a conclusion, so I thought “Amen” might be a concise way to end things.
** I did not write it to suggest that this post was a prayer, nor did I write it to express agreement with myself. (Although, I obviously agree with myself – AMEN!)
**I guess by writing these footnotes I defeated the purpose of using “Amen” in the first place…
You are so funny! I love your blogs.