Since becoming a mom, many things have changed (I think we can all agree on that). Not only do I wear my heart on my sleeve and watch it go to daycare and start school, but also worry to no end about their health and happiness and feelings and integrity. Having the job to walk with them and guide them to become the best people they can be is an amazing but terrifying job.
The wheels turning…
I have never “felt” my brain think (like the internal conversation) as much and as fast as when my kids ask me a loaded question (mind you they are 5 and 7, but I truly believe the earlier and better the answer, the better the stepping stone to build on is), and expect me to deliver an age-appropriate answer. Where is Mr. Rogers when you need him?!
I do lots of research on foods and discipline and milestones and ways to talk about race and religion and love (and the list goes on and on) trying to provide the right approach. Even though the information exists, it can also be very overwhelming. The to-do list with kids is usually long on a daily basis, but add to it the need of reassurance that you are delivering the best (to your abilities) information and guidance is a lot.
I LOVE this age on both my kids because we get to have conversations and ask questions (and drama too). It’s an age in which you can SEE them LOOKING at you and mimicking you (also terrifying lol). I find motherhood more fun now than it was years back. We get to discover things together and bond over cool experiences. We are discovering who we are together.
I feel my heart explode when a teacher tells me something sweet or thoughtful my kid did at school because I can feel they listen to the things we talk about, and they are practicing it. Don’t get me wrong–they can be little jerks at times too, but thankfully they save that mostly for home (the safe space). I feel immense pride when they conquer their own milestones or fears.
I also feel terrified at times when I remember what the world has to offer to some kids that are not lucky enough to live in a safe space with people who protect them, or even when they are, hurtful and scary things happen to some of them. The idea of any of those things happening to my child cripples me; the idea of any of those things happening to ANY child is crippling.
I discover the anxiety that the thought of two different schools and schedules and PTOs and uniforms gives me, but also the great faith that I have in them. I find myself giving the soft push to help them grow, but have trouble breathing at the same time. I fight tears when I “give ideas” of how to ask kids to play when he/she shares that no one wants to play with them.
I lost both my parents a few years back and I can’t even tell you how much I need them now (do we ever stop needing them?). I need the “wise man / wise woman” of the tribe to guide me, to share their experience. Motherhood is emotionally exhausting and incredibly rewarding but also so very lonely. You look around and everyone seems to have the secret to being on top of their game … is it just me?
I find comfort sometimes when I read or hear about moms naming feelings that I have. I laugh at myself when I try to put myself in the shoes of big family moms (4-5 + kids) and realize that 2 is still a “manageable” number. Although my heart feels weak at times, forgetting a meeting will only show them that the world did not end because of it, right? Resilience people … resilience
Being a mom is my biggest internal growth project, my self-discovery journey, and the most vulnerable (on a daily basis) I have ever been. Picture: walking naked in a crowd.