Mental health is something no one really talks about. Is it taboo? It almost feels that way. Are we ashamed? “Oh, you’ll snap out of it,” “just do things and you’ll get over it,” “go do some yoga it will help” etc. Should I go on? Well, sometimes yoga helps and other times nothing does except medication. And there should be absolutely NO shame in that.
I was diagnosed with postpartum anxiety disorder. I was a couple of months into raising my newborn twins and my almost-two-year-old, and I was a person I didn’t recognize. I screamed, I cried, I didn’t sleep and no words, no matter how sincere, could calm me. The sheer thought of taking my twins in the car to pick up my oldest and then taking all three of them out would send me into a panic. Bringing my twins to their checkups would make me vomit with fear. Both of them crying would send me to cry because I couldn’t console both at the same time. Feeding them was pure torture. Holding one of my twins all day due to reflux and crying constantly would make me hate myself for not being there for the other twin who was so calm. I remember looking at him and crying begging him to forgive me for not holding him and caring for him as I should. It was like no one understood me and I had never felt so alone. I began resenting having twins. Said they shouldn’t have been given to be because I obviously couldn’t care for them properly. This, my friends, is postpartum anxiety. When you’re so overwhelmed by any little things, and you just can’t bring your mind to calm down, your thoughts to stop, or your anger to subside.
I have however learned that it is okay. It is okay to feel this way. Not everyone can handle any given situation calmly and not everyone pregnant is blissful. Mommas, whether you are pregnant or postpartum, know that it doesn’t make you a horrible mother to be overwhelmed. You are going through something, and you will get out of it. If you take medication for three months or for 10 years, do what you have to do for yourself. Don’t be ashamed. You are your children’s most important human being and your mental health is everything. Let’s stop making this taboo, let’s fight for ourselves, let’s scream on the top of our lungs “no I’m not ok, but that doesn’t mean I love my children any less.”