I was Diagnosed with ADHD at the Age of 41 After My Life Fell Apart
To say I was shocked to be diagnosed with severe ADHD at the age of 41 would be the understatement of the year. I was not one to shy away from therapy. I started going religiously in my 20’s, when the dreaded quarter life crisis hit me like a ton of bricks. I was medicated in my 20’s as well and suffered from depression that, at the time, was situational. I stopped taking the meds a year later and felt pretty good throughout my 30’s. I got married at 32 and then had my three children at 32, 35 and 38. Motherhood was relatively doable for me until I had my third son, and that’s when things started to feel different.
I was always wanting to throw a dinner party and happy to cook for days leading up to the party. I was always on top of my work and managing my kids’ lives. I would never forget an appointment or where something was hanging in my closet. Once Calum was born, I felt a significant shift. My life felt very overwhelming, and I was unable to shake the feeling of constantly treading water. I couldn’t make myself plan a birthday party for my own children much less show up to someone else’s. Calum was born with a cleft lip and required surgery shortly after his birth to correct it. Then I had knee surgery, which required a long recovery. Then that spring things just kept piling on due to a work situation that caused my stress level to skyrocket to a level that I had never experienced.
My world felt like it was crumbling during that time period. I had built my business with nothing. I went from painting bathrooms myself in the very beginning to developing and constructing $10 million projects with the help of my brother and father. I was proud of my business and even more proud of my reputation. I was so worried my mental health would affect all that I had worked for because I could not function in my everyday life. As an entrepreneur, the buck stops with you and what you can accomplish in a day. I have since learned that the buildup of all the stress due to the series of events triggered my Complex PTSD, but I scared myself with the depth of my reaction. I lost some friends, I was not being the best mother to my children and I felt lost on how to get out of it. {By the way, I recommend this book to absolutely everyone as a result.}
When I finally got it together enough to seek help, I found my therapist Emma Boelter, who saved my life. I hate to say that I judged her when I first met her for being young and thinking there was no way she was going to understand me and what I had been through. I could not have been more wrong. There is a reason for the cliché – never judge a book by its cover. She was the first person to ask me if I had ever been told I might have ADHD. We went through the DSM together, and I checked all the boxes but one. I couldn’t believe it. Emma led me to Dr. Jasper Privat, who did my evaluation.
Dr. Privat was a godsend. We had just met the day of my evaluation and I have never had a more positive first experience with someone. They were the kindest and most compassionate clinician. I felt seen and heard and I learned so much about myself. After my initial visit, they sent me even more assessments to fill out based on my initial visit. I felt like my diagnosis was extremely cathartic. I wasn’t crazy, I was struggling. I had gotten so good at masking my symptoms over the course of my life I had even faked myself out. As the demands of my life grew, my ability to keep it together decreased.
Women my age were at a disadvantage as children. ADHD studies were only done on little boys. The societal expectations of little girls were to sit still and smile, put on a good face. So, ADHD started to manifest in our brains and a lot of us got really good at masking. There was a constant noise in my head that would never go away. The depression and anxiety feelings that brought me back to therapy were not going away with medication and therapy. I felt like I was on this constant hamster wheel that I couldn’t get off.
After being evaluated, it all made sense; I had zero global executive functioning skills to the point that I was off the chart. Now I knew why I couldn’t respond to an email timely or return a phone call for work. I could only get things done in a noisy coffee shop while listening to music very loudly. I had to order Hello Fresh because trying to plan meals for my family and get the ingredients literally would paralyze me. I was constantly yelling at my kids because the noise level with three boys would make me want to peel my skin off. Dramatic, I know, but accurate of how I felt.
So, I was always yelling and having my own meltdowns due to something called time collapse, which is a warped perception of time where everything feels like it’s happening at the same time and you overwhelmingly feel compelled to do everything in that exact moment. Which then caused me to feel paralyzed and then led to me sitting on the couch doomsday scrolling and online shopping to fill the void I was feeling. There is also something called rejection sensitivity that comes with ADHD for some people, which makes any perceived criticism or dismissal feel like your world is ending that you must be at fault and had done something wrong. The reactions to this can make you look “crazy” to some people because they can be out of proportion to the original offense. All these things feel detrimental to a people pleasing perfectionist, who couldn’t set a boundary to save her life.
The next step was medication. I went to see a psychologist and was prescribed a Ritalin based medication. The first day I took it, it was like seeing for the first time. The noise in my head was quieter. I didn’t walk by the pile of clutter that had been driving me nuts for six months; I was able to put it away or get rid of it. I think people truly misunderstand ADHD and it gets a bad rap for being over diagnosed but when you have it, and you need medication, you need it. I finally medicated my oldest, who was clearly struggling with executive functioning. The demands of third grade were no longer sustainable for him. His grades took a nosedive, and he really struggled with focusing. I held out as long as I could because of the stigma but the first day he came home after taking medication, he said, “I felt smarter today.”
I wanted to cry because a person with ADHD hears 20,000 more negative comments than their neurotypical counterparts. That is so damaging to a person’s self-esteem, especially when it is out of their control. It has brought my son and I so much closer because we can bond over our ADHD. It’s not that we aren’t smart…it’s how our brain works and we are finding ways to navigate all of this together and find humor in the struggles. His confidence is growing as an individual, along with my confidence as a mom.
All of this to say, take the time to take care of yourself and listen to your intuition. You are your greatest advocate for yourself and your children. Do not be ashamed of medicating yourself or your child. As someone on the other side of being diagnosed, it is a real thing, and it can be extremely debilitating. You don’t have to white knuckle life with all the progress we have made in the mental health field. Sometimes the lowest points of your life becomes the catalyst for a period of growth that will lead you to a happier place.
The hardest of all the lessons I have learned and continue to learn is that you can’t worry what people think about you; it truly is none of your business. At the end of the day, your real people will stick by you through anything and support you in whatever healing journey you or your child find yourself on.
Mimi Spiehler
Mimi Spiehler is mother to three crazy boys Henry, Wallace and Calum, and has been married 10 years to her husband, Sam. She is a self employed real estate developer and contractor with Perle Construction. She lives for a girls’ night to escape the testosterone of home and work but wouldn’t give up the chaos of motherhood at the end of the day. When she is not working or chasing her three sons around New Orleans, she is researching food, travel or fashion.