My Biggest Loss

One of the most exciting moments in a woman’s life is finding out that she’s pregnant. Watching that blue line appear on 3 different tests was definitely my moment. I remember calling my parents while they were visiting my brother in Dallas to share the news. They were equally excited and my mother advised me to not make any announcements until after my first trimester. I remember thinking to myself, “how could I hold this excitement in?” Why would I not want to share my news with everyone?

I called my doctor, only to find out that she was out of the country. I couldn’t wait that long for the official results so I contacted another doctor. I went in, had lab work done and sure enough it was official … I was going to be a mommy. I started doing the math to calculate my due date and even looked up the Chinese calendar! The doctor then called me in for an ultrasound. She looked and said that she really couldn’t see anything because I was so early. I also had a uterine fibroid which may have been in the way. I left the appointment ecstatic and based on my calculations, I would be due in July.

Of course I didn’t tell everyone, but I had to share my news with someone. I remember calling my girlfriend who happened to be just as far along as I was, to share the news. I had a pregnancy buddy. We would talk about our cravings (which had to be all in our head this early).

A few weeks went by and I began to experience discomfort, which most people attributed to the growing baby. Something just didn’t feel right. I remember placing a call to that same doctor and was assured that everything was fine and to just take it easy.

A few more weeks went by, and one day I felt one of the sharpest pains ever … it took the breath out of me. I called my doctor for an earlier appointment since my next appointment was at 12 weeks. She scheduled an ultrasound for me at an imaging center to check on the baby. I remember going in for the ultrasound and as I was leaving, being asked to return to the exam room and to wait for my doctor. All of a sudden, I saw a nurse moving quickly towards me and my doctor coming through the door. What was going on?

I was told that I couldn’t leave the imaging center and that I needed to go to the emergency room. My pregnancy was ectopic. What? What does that even mean? She then explained that an ectopic pregnancy was a tubal pregnancy and could be life threatening. It was at this moment that I became hysterical. Was I going to lose my baby?

My husband and I spoke with my doctor about my options. I had two choices. I could have surgery to remove my tube or receive methotrexate to stop the growth of the fertilized egg. I decided to receive a methotrexate injection. At the time it seemed like the better option, but the next 10 weeks would prove to be the most difficult.

Once a week for 10 weeks I had blood drawn to check my Hcg levels. Pregnancy tests were positive because the hormone was still present. Can you imagine the psychological effects? It was mentally draining. I even had someone congratulate me because my test was positive.

I had a loss, a painful loss. My friend was still pregnant. Watching her grow was a constant reminder. I attended the baby shower. I visited her in the hospital after the birth of her son. As the years go by, I still think about my baby. He or she would have been 4.

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I will never forget you.



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