I have never been the skinny friend or the small girl in any group, from elementary school to high school. I wasn’t fat by any means, but I was bigger than most of my peers. I was fine with it, my entire family was overweight, I more so thought it was in my genes to be “big-boned.” My family hardly ever stayed home and cooked; we almost always went out to eat for dinner…every…single…night. I am not going to throw a new shocking truth bomb on you, but you can’t control what is in the food at a restaurant. It is usually filled with fat, butter, and everything that makes the food taste amazing. Food has always been my go-to in any and all situations. Got a promotion? Let’s go out and celebrate! It is your birthday? Let’s go out and celebrate! Your boyfriend broke up with you? Let’s go out and forget about him!
In 2015, my marriage was over, I had put on A LOT of weight, I was in a mentally dark place and did not care about anything, and I mean anything, for a while. I could have easily been 275 pounds at that time, but I have no idea. I barely functioned from day to day. My ex-husband left me and my six-year-old son at the time, alone, and I was broken. I packed up what was left and moved back into my parents’ house. It was a dark time but I began to slowly build back the pieces and focus on my son.
Time is a funny thing. What is so hard and sad now will most likely not be that way as time passes by. Like a wound on the outside needs time to heal, I needed my wounds on the inside to heal. Honestly, it is harder to heal inner wounds than outer ones sometimes. Time passes by, we buy a house, just me and my son, I get a new job that is rewarding and I actually enjoy, and my wounds are healing. I am able to catch my breath and focus on myself now as my son is getting older and is less dependent on me.
As I looked in the mirror, I felt like I saw myself for the first time in a long time. How did I get to be this size? I was out of breath walking around the office, I was sweating even when it wasn’t hot, I was always hot. I was back to being miserable, but now with my outer wound I had created and didn’t even realize. I was done, I was mentally over being morbidly obese. I did not think I was considered morbidly obese, maybe overweight for sure, but not MORBIDLY OBESE! It was time to take care of me.
I made an appointment with a nutritionist who sat down with me and was extremely patient. It took a few visits to get my plan in place, I met with a few different doctors to weigh all my options with my health, and then I began MY PLAN. Here I was, mentally ready to handle anything, I was determined.
Then holy mental roadblock, this…is…hard. Constantly thinking about your weight and making sure you track everything you eat, getting in your weight in ounces of water, making sure you reach your calorie and protein goals for the day. It was A LOT, and it was HARD. But you know what else was really hard? Being overweight, excuse me, being morbidly obese. THAT was hard. THAT is what had me feeling worthless and exhausted and just overall a bad thing for my health. I wasn’t able to be the mother I wanted to be for my son. I was exhausted doing small things with him. How can I continue to be this size and be happy?
It took MONTHS to get into the habit and routine to be successful, then I started seeing my clothes fitting better, my mental health was in a good place, I was able to sit in the tub and shave my legs, I was able to clip my toenails myself, I was able to do things that I wasn’t able to do for so long. It has been a little over a year since I started this journey, and yes, it has been a journey. It is not easy, it is a daily focus for me, but it is an important one. I had to do this for me, for my family, for my future. I AM proud of myself, but I do not like to boast, I am not one to put it in your face or pretend I have the secret to success. There is no magic pill or overnight remedy to lose weight. You have to take control of your situation and CHOOSE YOUR HARD.