Have you ever had the constant overwhelming feeling that you were inadequate? As if you did not belong in that amazing job position? Like you did not fit in with your tribe?
These feelings are all too familiar for me. I have always felt like I did not belong. I second guess myself more often than not. I tell myself that I am not enough, that my accomplishments are not valid, that my past defines me. If you meet me in person or follow me on social media, you will never get the impression that this is how I talk to myself. I am loud, funny, and have been told I give off “Slay Queen!” type vibes, however, my thoughts are a complete 180. I wish I were as confident and comfortable with myself inside as I try to be on the outside.
This constant stream of thoughts has been ongoing for most of my life. I know now that this is referred to as Imposter Syndrome. Imposter Syndrome is defined as a psychological pattern in which one doubts one’s accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a “fraud.” For me, these fears are present in just about everything I do in my life. It has caused so many issues in my life, past and present.
When I was in my late teens/early 20s, I surrounded myself with other misguided people and took part in many bad choices. I always was the one that had to be “doing the most.” I felt like if I presented myself this way people would not question me, and I would feel more confident and less like a poser. I was so very wrong. I am not a regret the past kind of person, so I am just thankful for the lessons learned about others and myself. In recent years, I have noticed that I tend to surround myself with a tribe of people who love me when I do not and cannot love myself. Truthfully, these folks have gotten me through so many low points in the past few years. To have people around to build you up, say a kind word or just help you focus your mind on something else is truly irreplaceable.
I share all of this for the same reasons we share anything in our lives, awareness. First, that just because your friend/sister/mom/etc. is confident on the outside does not always mean it matches on the inside. Sometimes our confident on the outside girls need a little extra love. Second, so that if you feel like this too, you will find comfort in knowing that there is at least another mom out there that feels like you. Third, that if you do know what I am talking about and have dealt with it and have tips or tricks for making it better to manage you can help me too.